Marital First Aid Kit

Q & A  Forum

The Q&A Forum is an opportunity to ask questions that you would like addressed about relationship issues.  Dr. Kaye and other staff of Cary Counseling Center will periodically review these questions and post replies below as long as the questions are judged appropriate.

Replies will be displayed below after a few days.

Information you submit will be shown as well.

Patrick from New Jersey:

Q:  I have been married for 9 years and have two children. Recently my wife told me that she was unhappy with me always working on house projects every weekend. She said she feels like a single parent and that her feelings for me have changed. She does not love me anymore. I have not been trying to avoid my wife or children. I thought it was the right thing to do. I told my wife that I would stop doing things for them and do more things "with" them. My wife hurt me deeply by saying she does not love me. I love her very much and want her to love me again. What can I do to?

A:  Patrick.  Try to keep in mind that your wife not loving you is not about your lovability, only about your current situation.  If she loved you before, she probably now has accumulated too much pain and anger to feel love.   Don't think that she can quickly change that.  You will need to first determine whether she will work with you to try to restore a healthier emotional environment in your family.  Do NOT make any demands on her to quickly change her feelings and try to love you again.  Your best strategy is to reassure her that you understand that she has lost her love for you and you don't blame her.  Then, don't look for any immediate change of heart on her part.  However, if she's willing to work with you, then see if she will make a lot of plans for scheduling in time together - time as a family as well as time as a couple away from the kids.  Also, go to the section of the Marital First Aid Kit that deals with emotional-starvation syndrome.   Read it and have her read it.  Then try what it suggests. 

Patrick.  If you do find it difficult to break free of house projects, then consider that you may be very uncomfortable with emotional intensity.  If this is the case, consider joining a psychotherapy group that focuses on relationship skills.   You would learn a lot but also it would de-condition whatever shame or anxiety leads you to escape into responsibility.  It may also be that you have a hard time playing.   I don't know but consider that as well. - Bryce Kaye

Mario from Los Angeles, California:

Q:  I have been trying to resolve a major marital problem with no success.  It seems that all we do is waste time and energy arguing about old and present issues without getting any positive results. This has been going on for about a year but in the last six months it has taken a much stronger force. If I/We do not find a true solution to the problem, then divorce is the only option. We have been married for 23 yrs.

Here is the problem: My wife (43yrs.)argues that she has devoted many years to the house and kids and ignored her needs. She claims the kids are old enough now to take care of themselves and that she will now look more after herself. The first thing she did was to lose plenty of weight, mostly through starving since there has not been a decent meal in the house for months. The "kids"( 17, 20 and 23 yrs) continuously make statements about being tired of eating out. She also started going to the gym. Later, all I heard was her need to have fun so she was drinking and going to visit friends. Later it was work " so much to do" She will go in an hour earlier and get out two hours late, only to return at night. So she was out of the house since 6:30 am until about 10pm, not always but normally.  I put up with this behavior thinking it will pass and is only one of those growing up/growing old phases, but it did not.  It got worse. She started going out with friends and relatives to casinos and parties, and in numerous occasions (4) she never came home. She would spend the night with them because" they got too drunk to drive" To say the least this disrespect for me , the kids, and my home broke my heart into a million pieces.  I honestly can not recover from this, in my mind I always wonder who she was with and what they did. She claims nothing ever happened -sexually with another man- but I do not believe it for a second.  For months her behavior showed me she was looking for someone, that she was ready and willing to try new relationships.  After a major argument we decided to give our marriage one more try, and we decided to have a party. Everything seemed to be fine, we were dancing, and she was drinking ( I do not drink). At one time I went to check on the inside of the house, found a couple of drunk people, made sure that they were OK, and went back outside, where the party was at. Well, there she was, dancing with another man, whom I did not know nor did she. I got very upset. Did not talk to her for about 4 days, and her attitude was " I have done nothing wrong and you have a serious personal problem" Finally we argued again and she claims she is not doing anything wrong, and the only one that sees a problem with her behavior is me. What else can I do? HELP.

A:  Mario.  From the sounds of it I doubt that you and your wife will stabilize your marriage without professional help.  You and I are only guessing at what has led to a change in your wife's life priorities.  It is not clear that she truly wants to improve the relationship with you.  You also raise up the issue of fairly heavy alcohol use by she and her friends.  I don't know if that plays a significant factor.  There's also the history between you and she to which she may now be reacting since the kids are grown.  Then there's the possibility of an affair.   With all these dynamics, you need a good marriage counselor to spend time with both of you to tease out what's really going on.  This Q & A forum will not be able to do it. - Bryce Kaye

Frannie from Brighton, Co.:

Q:  ME and my Husband have been married for two years and have two children. I am a stay home Mom, but in my opinion I think when my husband is home that the duties dealing with the children should be split 50/50. And I don't ever get to do anything without the kids because my husband won't watch the kids. So my first question is: Do you think the duties of the kids should be split 50/50 when he is home? And my second question is: Should he be able to go out and do stuff without the kids if I can't?? Please help our marriage is falling apart because of it!!

A:  Frannie: Let me first give you a qualified "no".   It is not ALWAYS the case that a 50-50 time split on parenting is best when both parents are home.  It can depend on a number of factors.  Probably the best way of approaching this issue is to look at the distribution of discretionary (free) time within the relationship.  Think of discretionary time as a resource.  You can spend this resource doing fun stuff that you like and have chosen for yourself.   Discretionary activities are not for the mutual benefit of both parties.  For example, if your husband plays golf, goes out with the guys, spends time in leisurely reading, then all of that is discretionary time.  However, if he is business meetings, is reading technical journals in preparation for a business move, or is going to the doctor, then all of that are responsibilities to maintain self and family.  I would suggest that you approach the problem from the stand-point of discretionary time.   Who's getting more of it?  You both can do a strict accounting of how much time you each spend in discretionary activities during a typical week.  That will determine if there's any unfairness in the distribution.  THEN you can approach him about shifting some of the discretionary time to you while he takes the kids.  Unless you go at this methodically as I've described, there's a tendency for people to go with their gut feelings about why they're psychologically entitled to more. Good luck.  - Bryce Kaye 

Henry from Cape Elizabeth, Me.:

Q:  My wife and I have been married for 17 years. Now that our two children are getting older, we are having trouble making ends meet. I work very hard as the primary wage earner. My wife has entered the work force again, but we seem to be falling farther behind. Last month, my wife informed me of her plans to go to college to earn a degree. When I protested because I couldn't figure out how we can pay for this, she told me that she wants a divorce because she hasn't been happy for a long time. Looking back, it hasn't been easy or much fun trying to pinch pennies to survive, but I guess I must have turned a blind eye toward any symptoms. Since this announcement, I have been struggling to hold on to any sign that we still have something left between us. I have suggested counseling, the answer is we'll see. I've asked her to fill out an emotional needs survey so I can figure out what I haven't been doing for her, but she has not found time. Today I asked if we would ever have sex again; she told me I should find someone to have it with. She told me that she is not there for me anymore, and it will take a long time before anything is different between us. I have asked what I can do to work at it. She tells me there is nothing I can do because the problem is with her. On the plus side, she seems to want to live in the same house until she gets her degree, maybe because we can't afford to live apart. We have always been good friends to each other and we still have that and we are still there for our children. I feel so lost and lonely its almost unbearable. Can you please help me?

A:  Henry.  I doubt that I can help you towards getting your wife back.  You describe very consistent and clear messages from her that she wants out.  What help I can provide is to clarify that you run the risk of wasting your time with misguided hope.  It is likely that she will still want to use this relationship to build a foundation for her later independence - when she finally leaves you.  I strongly suggest for you to not buy such a cheap deal for yourself.  You don't need to spend a lot of time supporting her with the misguided hope that she'll change her mind.  You may want to spend 4 to 6 months to see if she really wants to work with you with a marriage therapist.  However, if she doesn't choose that, then don't hold on because of desperation.  Your life is too important to be a footnote to someone else's - someone who has already emotionally left. Sorry. - Bryce Kaye

Mary from Wellsburg, N.Y.:

Q:  Please help! I have been married for only 8 months now. The main problem is, that since the day we said "I do", my husband has become increasingly self-centered. He is also no longer interested in sex. He refuses to tell me I look good, or do any small act to show his love. His excuse is that he has no energy for such things. I have tried to explain how much it would mean to me, with no avail. He seems only to be interested in himself. Sexually, we had no problems until our wedding day. He admits that his sexual drive is dead now, and can give no reason.  In turn, it is making me feel extremely unattractive, and unimportant in his eyes. I don't know what happened.  My only guess is that he regrets his decision now that it is over. Please tell me I'm wrong to believe this! In his defense, he feels that all I do anymore is complain. He also started a new job the week we got married, and it keeps him away from home for days at a time. When he is home, all he wants to do is lay on the couch and watch tv. I understand that he is tired, but I have needs too. He has also stated that he believes that a marriage should not need any work, it should just flow smoothly, so he sees ours as being defective. I am at my wits end. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

A:  Mary.  First, read the diagnostic section titled "Emotional Deprivation Syndrome" in the First Aid Kit.  See if your husband is willing to do some scheduling with you.  If he is not willing to do so, you would best confront him that the marriage is not working for you and that you both need to see a marriage counselor to save it.  If he still refuses, then you should reconsider your marriage with a husband who refuses to manage the relationship responsibly. Marriage relationships DO require work....a lot of work!  Good luck.  - Bryce Kaye

Jean from Ohio:

Q:  My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We lived together and were engaged but broke it off and I moved out to try and salvage our relationship. We were fighting all the time about little things...just getting on each other's nerves. He ended up cheating on me and I forgave him. Five months later we are having a terrible time putting us back together. I do not trust him but believe with time I will be able to again. The problem is he has a friend that he was romantically involved with that he is in constant contact with. I know they are just friends but I tried to tell him I am uncomfortable with their relationship right now and he said he will not give his friends up for me . He is also upset that I question him about things he does because of the trust issue. Is there any hope for us?

A:  Jean.  There is always hope but the real question is:   Is it realistic?  If your husband has not been sexual with this "friend" for quite a long time, then it might be possible that their emotionally boundaries have re-grown.  However, if he has recently been involved with her, then a true friendship is unrealistic and he's be lying to himself.  More importantly, does your husband show a propensity for lying and deception in other areas?  If so, then you should not have much hope because he will not restore your trust.  Time alone doesn't usually restore trust.  Emotional intimacy plus consistent behavior over time is what really does the job..  If he is still evasive or sneaky, time alone won't do it.  Answer your own question.  Do you think he has it in him to be honest and consistent over time, not only with affairs but in everyday life? - Bryce Kaye

Sheri from Washington:

Q:  Do you offer any type of counseling or can you direct me to some that has to do with a spouse using the internet for cyber sex? And of course the wife not knowing about it and finding out? Thank you,  Sheri.

A:  Sheri.  I'm afraid that I don't have any better suggestion than to try the search engines and type in:   [ +cybersex     +counseling].  You will get a long list of sites dealing with the phenomenon.  If your husband shows a more generalized compulsion about pornography and sex, then go to www.sanon.org.  Good luck.   - Bryce Kaye

Jeni from Pensacola, Florida:

Q:  My husband and I have been married for 6 months now. We have been getting into more fights then ever lately. Actually, we used to never fight. We had little arguements, but we never fought though. It's like all we do is hurt each others feelings. I'm one that is scared to tell someone how I feel because I'm scared it's going to hurt him. He tells me all of the time that he wants to know how I feel about something. Well, I have begun to tell him now. And ever since I have, he yells at me and tells me that I'm being selfish and unfair. I can't help how I feel about some things. Recently, his mother has begun a fight between us. My husband has always wanted a motorcycle. His brother is selling his bike and his mother told him about it. He was really excited about it when he found out, but he told his mother that he wanted to talk to me first before buying it. I told him that I don't want him to buy it because I feel as if they are very unsafe and I don't want him to get hurt and he understood why I didn't want him getting the bike. Well he went back and told his mother that he did not want to buy the bike. And that's when we starting fighting. His mother now says that I control his life and I tell him what he can and can't have. But I don't though. I tell him how I feel about something and that's when he decides what he does and buys. Well, I told my husband that it hurt my feelings when his mother said that I control his life. When I told him that, he said that I was being selfish and inconsiderate. I don't know why he said that, but he did. His mother said that I'm not good enough for her son and that I have an anger control problem, in which case I do not. My husband is a big time mama's boy. He'll admit to that also. I feel as if his mother comes before me. He takes his mom's word before he would even consider mine and does things that only his mother would want him to do. It's like everytime I express how I feel about the subject, he just says I'm selfish and unfair and he throws it back in my face. I'm scared that she's going to come between us and we're going to split up because of it. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul, but I just don't know when or what to say to him anymore. I'm scared that if I keep telling him how I feel, he's going to yell at me. He never gets mad at his mom for criticizing me or making me sound like the "bad guy". But it's like when I say his mother is being unfair, he stands up for her and protects her. I want him to do that for me. Everything he does in life is for her. We are moving into a house that is across the street from her.   He's not reenlisting into the military because she doesn't want him to, and we put off alone time because he doesn't want to leave her just in case something happens to her. I understand that he doesn't want to leave her alone by herself because she's 82 years old and has bad arthritis in her bones. But there are times that I would like to have my husbands's complete and undivided attention. So please, tell me what I should do!! I need help fast, because if I don't do something soon, I'm going to be a heartbroken woman!! I definitely don't want that either. Thank you!! Jenny

A:  Jenny.  First of all, don't even bother responding to the issue of whether or not you're selfish.  Just assume that you are "healthily selfish" and that it's OK.  Your husband has to learn to negotiate with you about your "selfish" needs and to avoid invalidating them.  Unfortunately, it sounds as if he doesn't understand a lot about relationships.  He needs to become clearer about what areas of decision-making and communication are private to your marriage and are beyond the range of Mom.  Conversely, you need to let go of any tug of war for his affection.  He deserves to love his mother and you don't need to act out any jealousy about that. You should especially avoid derogating his mother to him.   Instead, focus on getting him to agree to some rules for what communications and areas of decision should remain private for the two of you.  If he can't do that, then you both will badly need a marriage counselor to help you accomplish this task. - Bryce Kaye 

Lisa from Marlboro, Ma.:

Q:  Hi, my husband likes to enter porn sites via the internet.   Last year alone he downloaded 180 files.  A few were dating services.  He claims that the porn site must have accidently entered him there. He has received massages from different woman out of state. He lied about that until I called them. When I was in the hospital having our baby he went home and looked at porn. He still lies about, says I am crazy and just looking for things to aggravate myself, and that I am not happy until I make myself miserable. I called the porn co. and they gave me his user name, which is our baby son's nickname. That hurt.  When I asked him he said the porn site made a mistake and he never entered that porn site, when I have the proof that he did. I am hurt.    I have beensleeping on the couch for almost three months because of this. We have been married for 15 years w/ 4 children. He absolutely refuses to go to therapy and claims the last time we went, it did not help.

My question, is why does he lie about it.  I think because he feels shameful. I told him it is not necessarily the ACT but the LIE, that it is killing me. I cannot eat, sleep, think straight, etc. Please help, I would greatly appreciate it. Sincerely, Lisa

A:  Lisa.  You can be helped best by going to www.sanon.org which is the website for family members of sexual addicts.  When you get to the site, try to track down where there's an actual meeting near you.  Start going to them.  Your husband's lies and deceptions suggest that he has a strong compulsion.  Since you're emotionally involved with him, you will be infected by his shame.  You are more probably right about his shame than you realize.  However, you're probably not as aware of the amount of shame that you are having to carry because of his compulsion.  Get help at S-Anon and good luck. - Bryce Kaye 

Byron from White Castle, LA.:

My wife and I grew up in a small town where everybody knows everybody. She lived with both her parents and mine got a divorce when I was 9. I saw lots of violence from my mothers behalf toward my father and it was sometimes scary for me. When my wife was growing up she wouldn't stay all night with friends and such. She even had a scholarship to go to school to play basketball and turned it down cause she had to leave home. She's 31 and I am 27. She's been married once ....I have not. We got married in 96 and moved 5 hours away from home where she really resented me for the longest time making every effort to go visit our hometown...even if it meant falling asleep on the way. I coach and teach and she teaches. My time in coaching is always used against me when I coach. I often hear how I am neglecting my child cause I coach and I am gone a lot. I also get tired of going to our hometown because its not very big and to me everything that's going on has been said on the phone the night before. Her and her mother talk every single day on the phone. Her mother did not hold a job.  When she was growing up her father was the only one that worked. I lived with my father because of custody battles and he stayed busy with coaching and teaching as well. We had a child two years ago and recently moved again but somewhat closer to our hometown ...about a three our drive. Our desicion to move was based on opportunity as a teacher. We teach in different school systems and we have different schedules. Our breaks fall at different times and more often than not over lap. She leaves when her breaks start... usually before mine and takes my son too. They go to her mothers and stay....while I teach and when my break starts I leave to so I can see them. I do not stay with my wife and son when we are in our hometown. I stay with my father and my wife and son stay with her mother and father. I really don't like this situation and they offer for me to stay but the house is small and someone has to double up in a single bed or sleep on the couch and I can't be myself either.....I stay up late and everyone else goes to bed so I stay with my dad and feel more comfortable..except I don't have my family. However to get back to the point ...I try to do things she does to me so she can feel how I feel and she erupts...with emotional anger. For example I wanted to take my son to my fathers with me to stay a night and she was not going to allow that to happen. Another example is she wanted to leave one weekend because some friends from back home called and offered to come and get her so she could go to our hometown festival. I had a graduation on a friday, and a track meet all day Sat. She wanted me to drive in Saturday night and we all come back on Monday because of a holiday weekend. I simply said thats not a problem...the problem is when I decide to leave in the middle of your last two weeks of work and take little Tommy then there will be a problem. She said well I would go to...! I said and miss work she said yes. I said well I am not saying I am but if I wanted to then I guess you would have to miss work....! She got really angry and I was trying to make a point..... that its okay for her to leave me home by myself but its not for me to leave her at home and visit over night (Just me and my son). More often than not I am tired when I get in from Track Practice or meets and anytime she gets a chance she leaves to go to our hometown and I don't feel like driving 3 hours to turn around and come straight back. I also would love to see my family when I get home and not drive at all. It hurts me for her to leave and take my son off and me not get to enjoy him. The last example caused a big up roar and she told me my point was useless cause its different with a mother and son than a father and son. That may be true but I try so hard to provide and enjoy my family cause I didn't have a strong family and all of my sons morals take place at her mothers house and not our house.... When we return to our home in our work place it feels like a place we stay when we work. We very seldom enjoy our own home outside of work cause we alway end up in our hometown. The last example I gave you about me trying to make a point lead to a argument where she pulled a butcher knife in front of my son on me cause I asked her a direct question and she wouldn't admit it was the truth and she tried to escape the situation and I wanted her to answer. My son started crying and I grabbed her hand and shoved the knife down in a flower pot and it fell off the counter. She runs to the phone to dial 911 and I should have been the one calling 911 cause my life was in danger not hers...I didn't raise a hand to her and never will. So I asked what are you doing .... she replied calling 911 and I hung the phone up and she belted me across the mouth and busted my lip up pretty good while blood sprayed from my mouth... I immediatly.....turned around and was getting my stuff to leave and she says I am sorry ....and wouldn't let me leave... and then wanted to talk.... The whole entire time my son is watching this stuff. She ends up leaving. My question is what in the world should I do in this situation. Everytime our hometown is brought up its a aguement and sometimes a fight. I don't want them to leave and feel left out sometime...but when the tides are turned man its world war three around my house. I can't deal with this...and don't really understand the conflict if its jealousy or if she doesn't care about my feeling ( cause she told me during the arguement that she didn't love me and it felt good to say that ...she has also has told me in the past she would sleep in Tanners room but shes afraid that he would wake up and not see us together). She is stern when it comes to our home town and I feel like she wants to be mothered. How do I approach the situation...next time and do you think my son will remember what he wittnessed? Please respond... I need help... this has been going on for a while now....Byron.

A:  Good grief Byron!  Your "question" has been the longest I have ever had....and perhaps the most difficult to answer.  It sounds as if your wife is minimally invested in your relationship and that's a major problem.   It also sounds as if she's terribly invested in seeing her folks instead of sharing time with you.  I would suggest that, in the near future, you do whatever you need to do in order to increase your contact with each other.  You may need to reconsider staying with her at her parents' place when you're in your hometown, even if it is cramped.  - But I also really think that you both will need counseling because of what sounds like real avoidance on her part.  You don't make her sound like she's in pursuit of a relationship with you.  A counselor will force both of you to deal with the real issues between yourselves instead of avoiding each others (as it sounds to currently be the case). - Bryce Kaye

Renee from Stamford, Connecticut:

Q:  I'm a 29 year old woman and my fiance is 39 years old, or at least he was my fiance up until yesterday. We live together and my problem is that I am extremely jealous and abusive to my fiance. He is genuinely a good person who has been wonderful to me, But because of emotionally destructive relationships I've had in the past, I am not able to deal with him for who he is. I'm always looking for signs that he's doing something wrong. I do this so that I can protect myself before things get out of control. But the truth is he hasn't done anything, but I still find things to fight about. Now he has reached a point where he does not eat at home.  He goes out alone now, and he won't speak to me. What can I do to rectify the relationship.

A:  Renee.  You can get into some EMDR therapy.  Go to the web site www.emdria.org and see if you can find a certified EMDR therapist in your area.  This type of therapy is really great for reducing the type of fear that drives your jealousy and suspiciousness.  I've personally had a lot of success in using EMDR to help people decrease old fears that interfere with their marriages.  The therapy works because it actually stimulates a part of your brain to shift one type of painful memory (eidetic memory) into a more comfortable type of memory (semantic memory).  The result is a great reduction in anxiety which is exactly what you want.  Make sure you get an EMDR therapist that is actually certified by EMDRIA.  Then you know for sure you have a good one because the training is vigorous.  I can vouch for that because I went through it and am certified myself.  Good luck.- Bryce Kaye

Cheryl from Evansville, Indiana:

Q:  My husband is a production supervisor at a major manufacturing plant (makes really good money) and works many odd hour shifts....sometimes 32 hours on a 48 hour weekend!! (after a 40 hour week) When he is on this shift (2nd) he tends to ignore me and the girls...my daughters...has "other" things to do...like "start a new business so he won't have to work all of these hours!" My problem is...he is trying sooo hard to start this new business, that he is forgetting what is, or should be, important in his life. I will go for several days without even talking to him...and he will tell me he didn't have time...although he has a 45 minute drive to work and a cell phone! But when I tell him how I feel, he just tells me..."thanks for being so supportive!" Now...after a confrontation...he refuses to even answer my phone calls or pages...I am at wit's end!!! His way of getting even is to not call me...answer the pages/cell...and not come home when he is supposed to! Somebody....please help me!!!!

A:  Cheryl.  Your plight is unfortunately all too common.   It sounds as if your husband is emotionally compressed into a responsibility mode that leaves him too depleted for loving.  This may or may not be necessary.   Families often do go through periods when, for the sake of survival or big opportunities, they suppress emotional needs and focus on the bottom line priorities.   However, it really needs to be mutually negotiated and it is especially important that both parties know when the emotional sacrifices will end.  Unfortunately, your husband is not managing this very well and it raises the question of whether he perceives his role as paternal protector..  In other words, if he's paternalistic and you're viewed as being more child-like, the he will not feel obligated to share the decision-making regarding finances.  Ask yourself if this is the case.  If so, you may want to use a family counselor as mediator to renegotiate roles of more equal authority.  In short, Cheryl, you may have a more general problem than whether or not your husband returns your calls.  I would suggest that you stop  focusing on the latter and address the former. The main goal is to get to the point that you and your husband are mutually strategizing and negotiating when your family will make these emotional sacrifices for financial gain. In the meantime, you can print out the section on Emotional Starvation Syndrome elsewhere in the First Aid Kit.  See if you can get him to read it and discuss it with you.- Bryce Kaye

Becky from Vidor, Texas:

Q:  MY HUSBAND AND I HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN THE "HAPPY MARRIED COUPLE" LATELY. WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR A YEAR AND 2 MONTHS. WE SOLD OUR HOUSE IN AUSTIN AND RELOCATED TO VIDOR. WE DECIDED TOGETHER TO BUILD A HOME ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HIS PARENTS LAND. WE ARE LIVING WITH THEM NOW AND I BELIEVE IT HAS PUT A MAJOR STRAIN ON OUR MARRIAGE. HE WILL TALK TO ME IN WAYS AS IF I'M A DOG AND I DON'T LIKE IT. EVERY TIME I CONFRONT HIM WITH MY FEELINGS , HE SAYS I CAN LEAVE. BUT I DON'T WANT TO BECAUSE WE HAVE 2 KIDS AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT BETTER?

A:  Becky.  From what you have said, there is not enough information for me to give you an intelligent direction.  The only thing that occurs to me  is to try to negotiate a way to live in some other temporary housing.   Living in the in-laws house is often a very severe stressor that causes squirrely dynamics in a marriage. It will often put the son or daughter in a more regressed emotional state. - Bryce Kaye

Katie from Miami, Florida:

Q:  I've been married 1 1/2 years to a man with a 13 y.o. son who lives with us. Together we have no children, but are trying without success ...He was hurt from his previous marriage in that she ruined his credit, and left him for someone who made more money. Living with a stepchild is difficult enough, but the other day I found he was lying to me. He was keeping a checking acct (that he said he closed when we got married), found steroids (He said he wouldn't use until I got pregnant.  He knew I was against it altogether). He apologized for the above, but I'm having a hard time forgiving. I came into this marriage with complete honesty and openness, taking on the expense of his son and my husband's expensive hunting trips. I came into this marriage with xx,000 dollars, he with a debt, and he's stashing money! He spends more on a daily basis. I need a professional opinion. Thanks.

A:  Katie.  Believe your own eyes.  If your husband has been lying to you for his own convenience, he will probably continue to do so on other matters in the future.  That pattern does not change easily, even with counseling.   If both of you had separate checking accounts for private use, each being fed an equal amount each month, that would be a viable arrangement.  However, the issues here are more general: 1) honesty and 2) equity.  You are complaining that you do not have either.  I would strongly suggest that you consult with an attorney and find a way to safeguard your pre-marital assets.  Your marriage should not dip into those assets, especially since your husband shows a disregard for honesty and profound disrespect for you.. - Bryce Kaye 

Debra from Atlanta, Ga.:

Q:  I have lost the desire to have sex. My husband who has a very high sex drive, is going crazy. I also have emotional problems. I am depressed a great deal of the time. It has been this way for approx. 3yrs. We have been together for 4 yrs. married 3.  Please help me, I don't want a divorce.

A:  Debra.  First I would recommend that you see a psychiatrist (if you haven't already) to evaluate your depression.  You may find that with the right antidepressant medication that your sex drive may come back with your lust for life.  If you've tried this route, then you may want to talk with your husband about different ways that you can help him relieve his sexual tension without you having to have actual intercourse. Forcing yourself to have intercourse can actually damage your delicate sexual emotions for later on in life.  However, you can participate in other sexual play that doesn't require for your to pretend to be sexually aroused.  See if he will compromise with you while you honestly promise to him that you will continue working to get yourself out of depression.  I don't recommend your compromising to the point that you obligate yourself to intercourse. That path will only make matters worse in the long-run. - Bryce Kaye  

Maggie L from Bridgeton, N.J.:

Q:  My husband and I have been married for almost a year now and our marriage seems to be going around in circles. We are constantly fighting because of his family. I talk to him all the time and try to fix things but somehow or another we always end up back to square one (no where).   I tell him that he makes me feel as if his family comes before I do. And every time we fight, regardless of who started it, I always end up being the one begging and pleading. I feel so frustrated. Every word I say seems to go in one ear and out the other. I just don't know what else to do. I tried talking to his family rationally as well but they were "offended" since they claim to have every right to interfere in their brother's life. I don't want out (of this marriage).   I just want a solution. HELP please.   I am willing to try anything.

A:  Maggie.  You probably need to back up and go at this more systematically.  You need to recognize that your husband has a right to have a relationship with his family that is not subject to your approval.  At the same time, your husband must recognize that there are topics and decisions that need to remain private between you and he.  You should not get into a black vs. white tug of war for your husband's loyalty.  Don't set it up as such.  Instead, see if he will sit down with you at length and map out decision areas and other topics that will remain shared only between he and you.  Also, try to get him to map out activities and communications with his (other) family that you are to respect.  In other words, negotiate it out.  I'm assuming that he can be consistent if it's clearly mapped out.  However, if you and he already have commitments that he's actually breaking because he's afraid of his family's disapproval,  then you will need to confront him very very strongly.  In the latter case, a mediator (such as a counselor) might be necessary. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Sunni from Detroit, Michigan:

Q:  I'm considering divorce. Not because I want to, just because marital repair may be too far of a reach. In a nutshell: 1) My husband is an alcoholic x 18 years, 2) I caught him having an affair over a year ago (I was pregnant at the time). He rekindled the flame he had before we met. Says he pursued her & doesn't know why. Says he fell in love with her. And distressed for months after ending it because he missed her.  3) Different sexual drives--he will let 1-2 weeks go by before attempting to have sex with me, 3) His multiple lies and deception evolving around the affair, that's over (so he says), have left me with distrust and disrespect towards him. 4) I don't feel he desires me. I am 100 pounds overweight. He's only dated slender women before. However, I was about the same weight when he married me. Sex between us was fine, until after the affair. Now it's different. I've forgiven, but I can't forget. He says the affair is over, but he doesn't make sexual advances toward me like a 'normal man would'. What do you think is going on? Is he possibly still holding a torch for his old flame & continuing the affair? Does he not have the sexual desire for me? Is he caught up in his alcoholism? Is there any hope in saving this marriage? Why did he rekindle that relationship only 2 months after we got married, things (so, I thought, were going great? When they were in a relationship, she always said no to sex with him, but after we got married, she let him have her whenever he wanted, why is that?? Help me please...I'm hurting inside.

A:  Sunni.  I'm sorry but your prospects are not good.  Your distrust in him sounds well-founded since you say that there were multiple lies and deception evolving around the affair.  A person's integrity does not change quickly and, with active alcoholism, usually don't change at all.  The loss of sexual desire after marriage is a common phenomenon and is unlikely to be a direct result your husband's alcoholism.  It is more likely related to your evolving roles within the marriage.  These changes may have resulted in his experiencing some loss of autonomy with less psychological separateness from you.  We can't know for sure but that is the leading cause for such displacement of  sexual interest. - Bryce Kaye

Clar from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida:

Q:  I am ready to have a baby and my husband is not. We are both twenty-eight years old and he already has an eight year old son. I am so ready for a child that I don't know if our relationship will last if he can't open up to my needs. What should I do?

A:  Clar.  There's no magical answer for this one.  You may need to remind him of any agreement that the two of you had when you got married.  Was there an implicit agreement that your marriage would involve having children together?  If so, you may need to hold him to it.  If not now, then when?  If the two of you had an agreement, then an indefinite "I don't know" shouldn't be accepted.  Life is short and you won't be fertile forever.  However, if there was no common vision when you married, you do not have a moral claim with which to confront him. Instead, you can only be honest about your agony and you should (privately) consider your option of a separation.  Don't threaten him with separation but impress upon him that you do fear for the marriage if you are left without a child of your own.  The decision about whether to risk for another marriage is an existential one.  There's no right or wrong answer although most people in your circumstance seem to choose to stay in their current marriage. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Jennifer from Canada:

Q:  Do you know anything about emotional dependency? Preferably in relationships out side of marriage!! I am not married so I need to know about this subject in terms of non-marital relationships! Thank you and God Bless.

A:  Jennifer.  I know a lot about emotional dependency.  However, your question is too general.  For example, did you know that all of us are emotionally dependent except for the psychopaths, schizophrenics, autistics, and a few other mentally ill types?  I think you may be asking about being compulsively dependent.  If so, you may be referring to the way that people try to use other people to act as surrogate parents when they haven't been lucky enough to have sufficiently developed mature personalities.  When people unfortunately receive less than optimal parenting, they often don't develop the "internal parent" part of themselves that helps them to feel valuable and valid on their own. Without this piece of themselves fully developed, they need to supplement their sense of worth with the approval or nurturance of others.  If this is the case for you, you may want to see a therapist of your own sex or check out the organization Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. - Bryce Kaye

Omshanti from Quezon city, Philippines:

Q:  My husband and I have recently separated. He has moved out of our home.  We have our differences and he has been living with a lie about his mistress.  How long should I wait till I formally file for a divorce? Child custody is with me.  Thanks & sincerely, Omshanti

A:  Omshanti.  Your first consideration should be your local laws.  Get legal advice first.  From the personal side, how long you should wait depends upon how you view your situation.  If you want to wait to see if he will come back, then I'd suggest giving it no more than 6 months.  I wouldn't waste too much of my life waiting on the slimmest chance that he will come around.  In six months, most ambivalent men will have returned if they're going to do so.  However, if you already know that you've had enough of this relationship, there may be no need to wait.  It really depends upon what you want. - Bryce Kaye

Traci from Texas:

Q:  My husband and I were married only 8 months ago and we are separated already. I love and cherish him deeply, however he has many issues that he will not confront or deal with which in returns creates frustration, anxieties, conflicts and even depression in our marriage. We have both made huge, rash mistakes during the final conflict. I have communicated to him that I am willing to do whatever it takes to resolve our problems and I do take responsibility for my (horrible) actions. The problem is however that the majority of our conflicts stem from his substance use. He was raised by an alcoholic family where divorce came easy (both parents married 3 times) and I fear that he will chose alcohol and drugs over me because it is easier to do this than to make sacrifices. The most toxic part of it all is the fact that I believe he resents my fortunate upbringing as compared to his alcoholic, drug dependant, abusive and dysfunctional upbringing. My question is this...although it has been two weeks and he states that he doesn't feel it will ever work out, what are my choices at this point. Do I wait for a change of heart, do I wait for him to mature, do I make the bigger steps and press the issue of therapy?...I feel as if he may need time to process all that has happened, but I don't want him to think that I have walked away. On the other hand, I don't want to be too pushy or even make my self too available to whereas he becomes more disgusted with me. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but how long does this plan hold?

A:  Traci.  I would suggest that you make your decision based upon the person he is now, not the person you hope he will become.  I would also suggest that you let go of interpreting his possible resentments.  He may or may not resent you for your fortunate upbringing but there are a lot of other ways that resentment can be configured.  For example, he may resent that you think you know better than he what is going on inside his head.  Be cautious with intrusive interpretations.  They can be toxic to the other person.

I would suggest that you wait until he give you a clear sign of wanting to reinvest ....or.....you can choose to not wait and get on with your life.  Whatever you do, don't wait until he "matures".  - Bryce Kaye

Caroline from Fairfax, Virginia:

Q:  My husband and I have been in a thirteen year long loving relationship, and have been married for nine years. Here is the problem:

When we first got together, I was just eighteen and I married him at 21. Prior to marriage we discussed our goals and expectations of our marriage. At that time I did not ever want to have children which was exactly how my husband felt. I was happy with the idea that it would be just the two of us. At about age 27 my feelings started to change. I am a teacher.  Therefore,  I have always loved children.   I just never thought I would want to be a mother. Now, I am obsessed with wanting to have children. My husband still does not want to have children.  I feel as if my life would somehow be incomplete and I would be full of regret if I never experience motherhood. I have tried discussing this with my husband and he cannot change his opinion. I feel like my life will be filled with regret if we don't have children.

My husband is a wonderful man, an excellent husband and a fantastic lover. I do not want to divorce him.  I feel like he is my soul-mate. He thinks that this issue, if left unresolved will drive a major wedge between us. He feels like he will never be ready for fatherhood. He also feels (as I do) that we will wind up divorced if we cannot come to a mutual understanding.  I do not want a divorce.  -I love my husband wholely. What do I do? How do we come to closure on this? Can I learn to live with a decision not to have children? Have others experienced this problem? Help!!

A:  Caroline.  Yes, others have experienced this with very much the same agony as you.  Unfortunately, there is no right or wrong outcome here.  You have a right to change your mind and he has a right to remain with his original desire, consistent with your informal marital agreement.  Neither side has the right to invalidate the desires of the other.  However, the fallback position to no agreement is no child because it does take the two of you to create one.  

You asked a very important question.  Can you live with a decision to not have children?  Of course you can!  It would carry pain but so does a lot of other things in life. - And we learn to live with them.  Personally, I hope that your husband changes his mind.  But if he doesn't, you'll need to judge the prospect that you can jettison an unusually fulfilling relationship for the not too certain likelihood that you can raise a child with another.  Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Dennise from El Paso, Texas:  

Q:  Hi.  My husband, 22, and I, 20, have been married for 14 months and have a 2 year old son. We have already been separated twice. We're originally from Texas and lived in New Mexico and both separations have resulted in my son and I returning home. I am currently living in Texas. The reason of our separations was a variety of things which include fighting over petty non-important issues which result in verbal abuse on both parts and pushing a shoving on his part. Before our son was born, my husband was very attentive and loving towards me and now it seems as if he could care less about my feelings. To him, I feel as if his priorities are, our son and himself in that order. I feel ugly, unwanted, and unloved. I know we love each other dearly but I don't know if our relationship can work. Our families know our situation, somewhat, and I'm just afraid of what they will say if we so reconcile. I'm attempting to get ourselves professional help but its difficult because we live in two different states. what do you think?!?? Thank You!

A:  Dennise.  I think that you need to follow through with professional help but only if you're going to live together.  Flip a coin if you have to.  I don't think you can do much for a relationship at long distance.  If you do get back together, you will need to do a lot of planning to spend time together AWAY FROM THE CHILD.  That may take grandparents so plan accordingly. - Bryce Kaye

TSB from Minneapolis, Minnesota:

Q:  I have been married to a wonderful man for nearly 4 years. He is a great husband and father. We're having a problem which is beginning to drain the life from our marriage, however. Although we maintain an active sex life, he accesses internet pornography at least 1-3 times per week. I have confronted him gently, but he becomes angry/defensive/humiliated. He tells me that it is not a reflection on me and I just need to "get over it" because it's part of his sexuality. This is having a horrible affect on me. I feel so hollow. Totally unloved and unwanted. I feel like he just settled for me when the women of his dreams are those he sees on the porn sites. I feel inadequate.

I might throw in the towel if it were just us, but we have a young son to think about. How do I deal with this?

A:  Dear TSB:  Your question is a challenging one because even different professionals would give you different answers on this one.  Your husband is right on one account.  It is a part of his sexuality.  However, the question is whether or not his sexuality has become compulsive.  Noticing and being turned on by pornography is not necessarily pathological.  It's not even necessarily breaking marital vows and fidelity.  However, if your husband begins to invest a tremendous amount of energy into a secret fantasy sex life,  it can become compulsive and reduce intimacy in the relationship.  I'm not convinced your husband is at that point.  He may be reacting to your insecurity and pressure on him.  For example, your sense of being "totally unloved and unwanted" doesn't seem to match the situation.  He obviously still pursues you sexually and you say that he's a great husband.  Your fears may not be about what is really happening but what you fear will happen.  

One thing you may ask him about is whether or not he's bringing his arousal back to you.  Is he masturbating to this material or is he making you the beneficiary.  Can he talk to you about his getting turned on?  Some couples I know will both get turned on by pornography but will share the fantasies so that it's finally brought back into the relationship.  That's not my own personal style but different couples will mutually configure their sexual boundaries in different ways.  I don't know if this helps but it's the best I can offer. - Bryce Kaye   

Cindy from Mass, NY:

Q:  How can you improve communication in a relationship

A:  Cindy, your question is like a Rorschach ink blot for marriage counselors.  Hmmmmm.  Let me see.  How many tomes do I want to write?  How about a short version.  Both parties can increase self-awareness so that they have more experiential material to share.  Both parties can decrease their shame so they won't have to experience pain when they communicate.  Both parties can develop their healthy use of anger so that they have some defenses if they get attacked for what they communicate.  Both parties can increase their invitations for communication and both parties can better strategize for when to approach the other in a more receptive emotional state.  Each one of these deserves a tome. - Bryce Kaye

Anna from Las Vegas, Nevada:

Q:  I'm torn between two people who I deeply care about.  One is my ex-husband and the other is my current boyfriend.   I live with my boyfriend and really want it to work- but at the same time I feel guilty about my ex waiting for me to come back to him when I shouldn't feel guilty at all- but I do anyways since I want to make both of them happy and I'm not happy by this. How do I choose what's right for me and them ? I just want it all to work out and I'm tired of pressing for answers to this dilemma of mine - I understand I am the only one to decide but it would really help to hear your opinion.  Thank you for listening- Anna

A:  Anna. You are too focused on managing the feelings in your ex from whom you've supposedly separated.  You need to focus on responsible management of  whichever relationship you're in.  Your feelings of guilt are stoked by your misplaced sense of responsibility for your ex's happiness.  Actually, it may be more humane to give him a hard edge at this point so that he can get on with grief and then the rest of his life (and you too).  You may want to look at the possibility that your supposed kindness is a type of selfishness to maintain your comfort level.  In this case, the more loving route may actually be one that has more initial pain but a later opportunity for quicker healing.

Nathan from "Greenville, S.C.:

Q:  Hi, My wife and I have been married for over one year and have been together for almost three. I am 22 years old and my wife is 31. She has three children from a previous marriage. I have no children. We are both in the military and have been apart from each other except for the weekends here and there and on vacations. I have had some problems paying my bills on occasions and we have fought about money. But I think that that is the least of the problems. We have also argued about how to express our feelings to one another. I will admit that I am the quiet one in the relationship. It is hard for me to express anything that I feel, unless I am being pressured constantly about talking. Then when I do talk to my wife about how I feel about certain issues she thinks that I am being so rude to her about what I have to say. I try to be sensitive in wording my explanations. But they just come out too straight forward and harsh. How should I go about fixing this problem? The second issue is that my wife's ex-husband cheated on her and he was into drugs that's why she tells me that she got a divorce. We are almost 2,000 miles apart right now and when she calls me and I'm not there she is automatically assuming that I am out cheating on her. I have confronted her about this, I said "I am not your ex-husband and I am not cheating on you. If I was going to cheat on you then I would have never asked you to marry me." I have honestly not cheated or done anything to make her think I have. But I feel as though I am being compared to her ex. And I really don't like it. We will be together soon. I am leaving the Military and I was wondering if there was any advice that you could give? Thanks!!

A:  Nathan.  It's a good thing that you're getting out of the military.  Since you have such difficulty communicating, you will need to be more physically present to help compensate.  It will be hard keeping your relationship alive.  I would suggest that you don't focus on the cheating thing.  Don't argue about it.  It's only a red flag that she doesn't feel important to you.  That's the real issue.  Your difficulty with intimacy will spill over into these other control issues.  Focus on getting your shame levels down and increasing your language about feelings.  You can do that by joining a therapy group when you get back home.  Stay in it a year.  It may cost but I has the potential for making a big improvement in your marriage. - Bryce Kaye

Lynn from Malvern, Arkansas:

Q:  My husband of almost 19 years had an affair with my brothers wife 4 years ago. Because we have four children, I let him come home. I haven't been comfortable with him since. Now I believe he may be having another affair but he says he isn't. Up until a week ago he would go to this woman's house while her husband and I were at work. Granted, her adult kids were there but to me it was still wrong. Then she tells her daughter that she has a crush on my husband. She also told this to my son and hers. I told her husband about all this and what I suspect.  He in turn told my husband that he was still welcome at his home but only when he is home. My husband became very angry at me and told me he wanted a divorce. I agreed but he won't leave the house and I can't afford to at this time. If all this were innocent I don't believe he would have made a point of going over there while we were both at work. He also stopped asking me to go with him to their house and would get mad if I went anyway. Does this sound like an affair to you?

A:  Lynn.  I don't know if it's an affair but it certainly could be one.  It could also be that your husband may not be totally honest about some of the emotions that are at play even though sex has not technically occurred.  In any case, it's not smart after all that has happened.  I'm sorry you're in such a rotten predicament. - Bryce Kaye

Mary from Andover, Massachusetts:

Q:  Hi, I have an ongoing problem between myself and my husband. He never seems to want to have sex, or have an intimate relationship with me. I love him very much and feel that there is a lack of physical expression of our love. This has made me feel hurt, ugly, and rejected. I have tried broaching the subject often over the past year and a half. Asking that we at least set aside 1/2 hour in a week to have some type of close intimate contact even if it doesn't lead to sex.  This has not happened. It has been going on long enough now that I am at a loss.  When I bring it up he withdraws, gets angry or upset and says he does not want to talk about it. He withdraws even farther. I am more upset because I know he has sexual desires.  They just don't seem to relate to me.  He looks at porn on the internet at least five times a week, but can't be bothered to look at me. It makes me feel as though I am repulsive or something. It is very hard for me because I do believe he loves me. He tries very hard in all other areas of our relationship. But, we just can't seem to work through this. I have an appointment to go to a counselor with him. But, that is a week and a half away. In the meantime I feel depressed, withdrawn, and unimportant. I don't want to start in again until I go to talk with the counselor with him. But, I can't stop dwelling on this problem. Any suggestions? Thanks.

A: Mary.  You're on a good path.  With something like this you need to confront your partner until you and he get some objective help. In the meantime, tell yourself that this is not about your sexuality or lovability.  If he won't talk about it and if he's diverting into pornography, you have some indicators that he has a problem that he's mismanaging. Good luck.- Bryce Kaye 

"C" from Florida:

Q:  I have been married for 14 years and we have four children. Over the years my husband has gone from being addicted to video games to staying on the computer until 3 am in the morning. He barely speaks to the kids or me. Its computer in the morning when he gets up, work and then computer in the evening until 3am. What can I do? I have told him how sad it makes me and he does nothing about it to make me happy.

A:  See if your husband will negotiate a schedule with you for when he will and will not be on the computer.  If he won't negotiate when he will be available to his family, or if he's inconsistent with his committed schedule, then you will need to raise the confrontation level.  Your point of confrontation would need to jointly see a professional counselor who is trained in compulsions.  He may or may not have one but you want a good counselor there to call it just in case.  Your husband may have some biological or personality issues that would naturally lead to social isolation but that would be a professional call. - Bryce Kaye

Margarita from Vineland, N.J.:

Q:  I am 18 years old and my husband is 21. We've only been married for about 9 months and I already had two miscarriages. My husband has been acting kind of strange since my last miscarriage. Our sex life-(well I don't think it should even be called that anymore) has become almost non-existent. Our lives have become really boring. I've talked and talked and talked to him but nothing seems to be solved. He's always working and when we finally have minutes to spare he's too tired to do anything. I know I should be more understanding with him. It's just that things are tough right now and his attitude seems to make things more difficult. I feel like he ignores me most of the time.  I know it sounds like he's probably cheating on me but I am positive this isn't the case. I love my husband dearly don't get me wrong and if it's anybody's fault of what's been happening it's mine. I just need creative ideas to bust things up. Any advice?

A:  Margarita.  From what you have presented, I would ask him what he feels about the miscarriages.  You may or may not get useful information.  You would also do best to see if he can't schedule weekly outings with you away from the house.  That way, he might be able to muster up the energy for intimate communication when he knows it's coming in advance (and when the TV isn't around). - Bryce Kaye

Tina from Pensacola, Florida:

Q:  ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR SIX YRS. I AM 25 AND HE IS 27. WE HAVE HAD OUR SHARE OF PROBLEMS.  HE HAS LEFT A COUPLE OF TIMES, BUT WHEN HE COMES BACK THINGS ARE FINE FOR A WHILE, BUT THEN HE STOPS HELPING DO ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE, YARD WORK,  TAKING OUT A BAG OF TRASH, ANYTHING. I WAS RAISED UP IN A HOME WHERE THINGS ARE 50/50. WE HAVE 2 KIDS AND WE WANTS ME TO STAY HOME WITH THEM, BUT EXPECTS ME TO DO EVERYTHING. HE NEVER SHOWS ANY KIND OF FEELINGS, OR LOVE.  WE DON'T GO OUT ON DATES TOGETHER. IT'S LIKE HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE SEEN WITH ME. HOW CAN I GET HIM TO HELP ME OUT A LITTLE? I DO MY SHARE OF FUSSING ,BUT I DO EVERYTHING, EVEN TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS WHEN HE THINKS HE NEEDS A BREAK AND LEAVES US FOR A WEEK OR SO. I AM READY TO GIVE UP . I REALLY COULD USE YOUR ADVICE.

A: Tina.  My advice for a lot of this is already written in the recommended intervention for the Delinquent Helper Syndrome.  I suggest you check it out, and give up on the notion that you can make him into a "helper."  - Bryce Kaye 

Dave from Landing, N.J.:                               *

Q:  Hello, I have been separated for 14 mo' now and I still don't understand my wife's way of thinking.  To get to the point, she stopped having sex with me well before we were separated.  She would get angry when I complimented her on her looks.  She used to talk to other men (while i was in the house) and she swears she has never cheated on me.  I've asked if she ever feels like getting intimate.  She says no.  I asked if she thinks other men want to date her to have sex.  She also says no. More things have went on but I have no real proof for closure.  This may be the answer though.  She says she was raped at age 15, but she says she's gotten over it.  Is it possible for her to have some sort of mental breakdown so far into our marriage?- or is she cheating on me? I would really like some suggestions to this problem to try to set my mind at ease. Thank you very much for reading this and I hope to hear from your comments. Sincerely, Dave.

A: Dave.  I is unlikely that she is having any "mental breakdown" from that remote history of being raped.  Sometimes that happens but it looks much different than what you describe.  It's also very possible that this is not about an affair but about something else.  If you both are still communicating with each other, I would suggest that you ask her the following:  Did she feel that you were focused too much on sex while not being sufficiently interested in her thoughts and feelings?  If she answers "yes", ask her to elaborate more without arguing with her.  You might get some very useful information. - Bryce Kaye

Juan from Jackson, Mississippi:

Q:  What should I do about my wife going out at night?

A:  Juan.  Probably nothing - except maybe to ask her if she'd like to go out with you sometime.  Your question really doesn't provide much of a context for a more intelligent answer.  Sorry. - Bryce Kaye

Anne from Mobile, Al.:

Q:  My husband seems to be having issues of control over money & (perhaps?) sex. He has developed a technique of power plays that involve sabotaging the former and blaming me for the latter. I took your advice about negotiating needs.   The need he says isn't getting met is for affectionate contact. This seems to me like too little a reason for the semi-nuclear problems we've had until now. Any thoughts?

A:  Anne.  I can't read his mind. However, I would suggest going back to him and asking him to come up with suggestions for how to plan and schedule situations (e.g. dating, walks, talking periods, etc.) that can help facilitate affectionate contact without promising sex.  In other words, I'd hold him somewhat accountable for implementing something.  There may be more going on here than either of us can know about but we can't do anything about what we don't know.  Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Kimberly from Chicago, Il.:                              *

Q:  There is a big age difference between my husband and I. I am 30 and my husband is 53. Our problems revolve around several issues. One being, he likes to be home and rest.  He sleeps a lot. I on the other hand like to go out and do things. I also have an 11 yr old daughter who I like doing things with. How can we work this out? Sex is also an issue. I am sexually active. I enjoy it a great deal. My husband has a problem with keeping it up. We tried Viagra. it gives him a severe headache. What do we do?

A:  Kimberly.  You compromise the best you can.  What you describe may be natural consequences to a 23 year age difference.  His energy level is going to naturally conflict with yours.  The only other thing you can do is to plan activities together when you know his energy level is higher.  For example, you may plan going out together on Saturday mornings and afternoons while leaving evenings for home.  Regarding your husband's sexual problem, I have no suggestion.  It sounds like he has appropriately sought medical help.  The next step is his physician's call.  Sorry. - Bryce Kaye

Beth from Palatka, Fl.:                                              *

Q:  I'm only 21 & my husband is 26. We've been married for a year & a half & are expecting our first son very soon. My husband ("George") is extremely unaffectionate, selfish, insensitive, etc... All he ever wants to do is be with his sleazy brother playing pool in dirty old bars & fishing. He never takes me anywhere, claiming we have no money but thinks nothing of blowing money on booze, pool games, & fishing boats. I've tried (& TRIED!!!) to discuss this with him every way possible but all he does is get mad saying nothing is wrong or calling me names. He's always accusing me of cheating on him although I have never given him any reason at ALL to think that. He's the one who's always out till 3 a.m. not me! I do love him but I'm going absolutely crazy because I just can't get through to him. I think about leaving him all the time, but I have no money & no where to go so I'm stuck! I don't know if he has another woman or what. Please DON'T tell me to try & talk to him because believe me, it doesn't work!!! Help Me!!!!!!!!!

A:  Beth.  It certainly sounds like you have an arrangement and not much of a relationship.  I also don't hear any love in what you wrote, only frustrated dependence.  If he doesn't want to pursue a real relationship with you then you're not going to build the relationship on your own.  I know you have a big investment in the relationship now because of the pregnancy.  However, would you be willing to live your whole life in this relationship the way it is?  If not, then how long?  I would suggest setting yourself a time limit for long you will wait to see if he will work with you (perhaps even going to marriage counseling together).  I'm not talking about an ultimatum that you give him, I'm talking about a time-frame that you keep to yourself.  YOU are the one who needs to save the rest of your life. - Bryce Kaye

Elaine from Santa Monica, California:                                *

Q:  I have been with my husband for 11 years (married for six of them). We have a 2 year-old son who we both love very much. However, it seems that the relationship between my husband and myself has been on a downward spiral since our son was born. What was once small disagreements and tiffs have become more and more. These are sometimes regarding our son but more often than not they are about general things, usually quite trivial. He says I moan at him all the time, which I don't dispute. He says that I will never change. Three months ago it came to a head and he told me it was over between us. He moved into our son's bedroom and has slept there every since. He said he was leaving, although he has not made any attempt to do so as yet. I don't want to lose my husband and believe that our marriage can work, but I need him to work at it with me and not turn his back on it. I guess what I'm looking for is a way to get through to him that the life we have together, with our son, is not a bad one.  We just need to iron out a few things. We are both British and although I am open to counseling my husband definitely is not. Please help me get my husband back.

A:  Elaine.  I strongly suggest that you try to start up a dialogue with him about what he misses in the relationship.  Try to avoid putting him down for being impractical or for not shouldering his share.  It's may well be that since your son came on the scene, he may be missing some of the emotional exchanges you and he used to have when it was just the two of you.  It may not actually be your "moaning" that is the most crucial factor but rather the absence of fun.   See if you can get him to reminisce with you.  If you can, the use that at a springboard for working to restore what was lost.  Hope this helps. - Bryce Kaye

Gemma from Melbourne, Australia:                              *

Q:  I guess it started when after a year, I fell in love with another man on ICQ. I have been married 12 years, where I thought I was happy... Anyway this guy that I fell in love with is also married and lives o/seas. There is no future in the relationship but now am finding myself very unhappy with what I have. I have sought other men and have been intimate with them. It means nothing really, just an ego boost I think. I do think my husband is a great father and husband... just I don't love him anymore and wondering what I should do. We have two young children 10 and 8, but want to know if I can find the love back or would I be happier by myself. We are planned to move to see if that might help our situation, closer into town, more neighbors and more things for me to do.. I am so lonely and depressed lately I m not sure what to do.. Any comments will help.. Thank you.

A: Gemma.  It sounds as if you are acting out your emptiness in desperate ways.  I  believe you when you say that that you don't love your husband right now.  I also believe that you don't know how to resolve your loneliness.  Emotional intimacy is probably missing between you and your husband and it is probably not just his responsibility.  Since you're taking risks outside the relationship, why not take more risks within the relationship?  You could start by sharing your sense of desperation and loneliness.  You could talk about how you feel about yourself, the direction of your life, and what you feel you need from a life companion in the future.  You might as well shake things up in a constructive way because your recent behavior indicates that you will otherwise probably be blowing up the relationship through more destructive means.. Also, please consider the radical idea of marriage counseling. - Bryce Kaye

Dakota from Seattle, Wa.:                                    *

Q:  We have been together 4 yrs and married for 1 1/2. My inner feeling is really messed up. I feel I'm angry and with fear ... I don't know why. I have problems trusting my husband, lack of sex interest, everything ... I wondered why? I feel like I have anxiety that I worry about failing our marriage because of those feelings I have. My husband is just wonderful. I just want this mistrust feeling go away but I don't know why its staying with me. You know? Maybe you can help me. Thanks.

A:  Dear Dakota, no I'm afraid I don't know.  I would suspect that you may have old emotional injuries that are buried in memory and are now being activated by  your dependent role in he marriage.  If so, you will not be able to resolve them by yourself one because painful memories are often buried in a different memory system that our usual verbal memory.   I would suggest that you might want to find a certified EMDR therapist in your area who can help you with these old feelings. EMDR therapy can make very dramatic improvements in how a person feels and I have had a lot of success using it for the kind of baseless mistrust that you describe.   You can go to the international organization www.emdria.org to find out more about this very effective form of therapy.  Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Janie from Utah:                                            *

Q:  My sister and her husband live in another state, and we rarely see each other but maybe once every two years. After finding out that we both have internet access, we began exchanging e-mails rather than running up our phone bills. The problem is, my brother-in-law has also been e-mailing me behind her back, telling me that since he has known me, he has been infatuated with me. My sister has been married to this man for almost ten years, they have three wonderful children, and seem like the perfect family. But he tells me otherwise- that they aren't "in love" anymore, that they have both had affairs, etc. After talking online with him for a few weeks, it seems like the only thing he wants to talk about is how much he adores me, how much he is looking forward to seeing me again, etc. He has even phoned me on a few occasions, saying that he just wanted to hear my voice. I know that if I'm feeling uncomfortable with the situation, I should just tell him, and he'd probably stop. The worse problem is that I have also been attracted to him from the day we met, and I feel myself feeling more for him every day. My sister and her family are coming in to visit me this summer, and I am afraid not only that I will not be able to act "normally" around him, but that something may happen between us, even though I KNOW that it is wrong. Oh, did I also mention that I am also married and have two children? This is a serious problem, I know, but I am very confused as to what I want. I know that having an affair with my brother-in-law would not only destroy my marriage and my sister's, but it would destroy my entire family. So, why can't I just let this go? I know it's wrong, but I'm not sure how to tell my heart that. Can you help?

A:  Janie.  You can start by telling your heart that your love is more of an infatuation about your being desired and pursued than it is about appreciating any integrity and virtue in your sister's husband.  Here he is, deceiving your sister after admitting that he has had other affairs.  What does this say about the inherent quality of his character?  How much are you willing to sacrifice in order to be adored?  What do you really think is the basis of your loving and what do you want it to be? - Bryce Kaye

C.B. from Weaver, Alabama:                                       *

Q:  ME AND MY WIFE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 12.5 YEARS. WE HAVE ONE BOY AND ONE GIRL. WE GOT MARRIED AT A VERY YOUNG AGE. SO IN THE BEGINNING I DID NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH HER AND SHOW HER THE LOVE SHE NEEDED.  SO SHE STARTED SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.   SHE HAD A VERY SHORT AFFAIR.   THIS HAPPENED IN 1990 BUT I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS UNTIL 1996 WHEN SHE TOLD ME ABOUT IT.  I HAVE GOT PAST THAT SOMEWHAT.   IT STILL BOTHERS ME SOMETIMES.  I LOVE HER SO MUCH BUT IM HAVING A REAL TOUGH TIME TRUSTING HER EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS NOT GIVEN ME ANY REASON NOT TO TRUST HER AND ITS TEARING US APART.   WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO TO GET PAST ALL THIS ?

A:  C.B.  I would suggest that you focus on deepening the emotional intimacy in your marriage.  You do this by learning to listen every more carefully to how she feels and you ask her questions and get her to expand upon what she says.  You will have more trust if you know a great deal about her passions and how she views the world .  Time alone does not restore trust.  However, if you know that your wife shares with you her  most heartfelt emotions, then you are likely to have alot of trust..  If you have to evaluate your wife  from the outside from her behavior alone, then trust will be hard to build. - Bryce Kaye

Paige from Newelton, La.:                                  *

Q:  I have been married for seven years, and my husband decides he does not know if he loves me anymore or even if he loved me ever. What do I do.... let him take the time and make up his mind? This has been going on for three weeks now.   I don't know if I can sit and wonder any longer.

A:  Paige.  What a painful place in which to be.  I'm sorry....but yes, it would be best to let him have some distance.  You may negotiate with him that, for the time being, you will be interacting with him less because it is painful to be around his indecision.  You may also let him know that, while you will back off some to let him work on his confusion, you will also not put your life on hold forever.  Whatever you do, I strongly suggest that you do not give him an ultimatum for making his decisions.  If he drags on, you may need to PRIVATELY decide when your absolute time limit is reached (for staying in the marriage).  Do not give him a timeframe for making his decision.  Give yourself the timeframe instead.  The reason I suggest all of this is that he's already confused.  He doesn't need to be reacting to any control issue with you to further complicate his confusion.  You may also gently offer that you are willing to go to a marriage therapist with him, if and when he feels ready.  Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Donna from Texas:                                           *

Q:  I have reason to believe that my husband is gay/bisexual but he denies it. What can I do to find out for sure?

A:  Donna.  Be careful here.  Don't assume that just because your husband has gay interests that he isn't interested in you or can't maintain a relationship with you.  Many people have sexual interests for both sexes.  You could try talking with him directly.  However,  if you have reason to believe that he has lied to you about his sexual behavior, then I suggest that you treat THAT as the more important issue anyway.  It may be possible that he has some sexual compulsions or he may have a problem with telling the truth.  I can't tell from here but I would suggest that you try the direct talking route first. - Bryce Kaye

Lynn from Indiana:                                       *

Q:  My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. We have had a lot of problems in those 2 years and he has moved out twice. The first time was because we were fighting constantly and I have to admit, I was being very difficult to get along with because I was also miserable. But when he actually left, I was also miserable as was he and we got back together with promises of going to counseling, but we didn't go. The last time he left was just 2 months ago. I found out that he had gotten a credit card and maxed it out behind my back. We have debt problems anyway and were trying to get out from under them when this happened. I was very upset that he lied to me and instead of working it out, he left me again. After about 4 days, he called saying he was miserable and wanted to get back together but he wanted to go to individual counseling first to get his head straightened out. Eventually he moved back in and we've been getting along pretty good although neither one of us has been to counseling in about a month. The problem is my insecurity. I'm so scared that he'll leave and hurt me again, that I'm not allowing myself to relax and enjoy our life. I'm very anxious all of the time and constantly worrying that he's not happy and is going to leave. I look for signs that he' cheating on me, even though that has never been a problem. I tend to say hurtful things to him because I figure if I don't allow myself to get too close, it won't hurt the next time he leaves. I feel like I'm heading toward a nervous breakdown. I've been diagnosed with an ulcer and am having problems sleeping because I lie there and wonder if he really loves me. What can I do to relax and not worry about this? What can I do to just enjoy life and believe he's not going to leave again?

A: Lynn.  It's unrealistic for you to have that much trust right now.   You are going to have to see him consistent over a much longer period of time before you rebuild trust.  He's been too inconsistent in the recent past for you to rule out the possibility that he'll leave.  Also, he's probably too anxious and mixed up, from the sound of it, to have such delicate feelings as love.  He may feel more dependence and anxiety but not the more delicate feelings.  Your better bet would be to let him know that your anxiety is getting in the way of your being as relaxed and pleasant as you'd like to be.  However, be sure to let him know that HE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE for getting you less anxious.  Both you and he need to accept that your nerves will be frayed for awhile. Meanwhile, you can ask him if you can periodically visit with him in therapy just to check in and help reduce your anxiety.  Good luck.   - Bryce Kaye

Dora from Lafayette, Pa.:                           *

Q:  All of last year my husband seemed undecided as to whether he wanted to remain married or not. First he asked for a divorce then he recanted.  Then he decided that the relationship was not going to survive.  Then he promised to make a firm decision and then asked for more time to find himself. I do not know where this uncertainty is coming from and even though our marriage did have some problems, I did not think they were serious enough to warrant our splitting up. It seemed that I was the only one who was having problems with communication within the marriage so it came as quite a shock when he voiced his unhappiness. We have been married for over 20 years and I am very much in love with my husband. I am trying to save my marriage while at the same time trying to adjust to my husband's revelations about his feeling. Please let me know what I can do to save this marriage.

A: Dora.  I'm sorry but I'm not going to be of much use in this one.   Your husband's ambivalence is not decipherable from my crow's nest up here.  I would suggest that you get assertive in the form of negotiating for some ongoing marital therapy so that you don't get jerked around so much.  It doesn't sound like your husband is being completely open to you about what scares or hurts him in the relationship.  Maybe he needs a third party as a translator, both to you and to himself. - Bryce Kaye

Meg from Denver Co.:                                     *

Q:  My husband and I have been married for 1.5 yrs (in a relationship for 3.5 yrs.) From the beginning, I knew he was an alcoholic with a violent temper, but felt sure that we would overcome those problems. After we married, a terrible fight ensued one night, and I ended up calling the police because I was finally in fear for my safety. My husband cannot forgive me for this incident. He has not had a drink since that night (over a year now) and I believe he won't ever drink again. His temper, however, has not improved. He is no longer violent, but extremely expressive with his anger. I know anger can be a form of masking fear or pain, but how long is it okay for him to express such angry, hateful feelings toward me? He refuses to believe that I was asking for help that night I called the police. I wanted nothing bad to happen to him, and nothing has. Our relationship has deteriorated horrendously in the months since this altercation. He says it's not just that incident that has made him feel this way about me and in his worst moments of anger he says he made a mistake in marrying me. In his good moments, he loves me and wants to make love to me, and says all sorts of "normal" relationshipy things. He tells me he doesn't want to "work" at our marriage. That work is for his job, (he's a counselor of all things) and not for his home. He also repeatedly asks me how long is long enough to work on our relationship. I always reply "forever" because this is how I view a marriage--as a lifetime commitment. Apparently, he does not feel that same way and because things are hard, he wants to leave. But we just have gotten started....1 and 1/2 years seems like such a short time in the grand scheme of things to give up so soon. I love him dearly and want to be with him forever, but with his anger and negativity, I'm finding it increasingly more and more difficult to stay positive about things. I don't want to throw in the towel, but is there any way I can make him understand that all relationships, even good ones, take work? Is it time to give up on him?

A:  Meg.  There is never a clear answer to your last question.  It is always an existential question of how much you are willing to gamble (and potentially lose) and how much you value lost time (from your life).  From a statistical standpoint, your husband's odds are not good.  His attitude towards recovery and growth does not sound enlightened.  The odds are extremely remote that you or anyone can convince him to become an open person who is willing to explore the fear or shame that drives his anger.  That kind of conversion usually occurs when life forces us into a corner and we finally "bottom".  Sorry. - Bryce Kaye

Bianca from Marysville, Ca.:                               *

Q:  I'm 21 and My husband is 24.  We've been married less than a year. He's military & while he was based in Saudi Arabia (for three months), I got drunk & let a man give me a massage, which turned into him pleasuring me manually, nothing more. I was honest & told my husband the very next time we talked.  He was crushed. We talked it out and he forgave me, so I thought and returned home 2 weeks later. It's now been six months & he's still punishing me. He doesn't trust me at all.   He's controlling, and extremely jealous of any male I interact with. What hurts most is he's emotionally cold, gives me no affection, & has lost interest in sex. I hate to belittle my wrong doing, but it was only once and we didn't have sex. He treats me like I had an ongoing affair. His last serious girlfriend cheated on him, so I feel all this behavior is linked to how much I hurt him, & his fear of it happening again. Also, he regards himself as a real "tough" "cool" "macho" man, so I've hurt his image. I love him deeply, I know we both want to save our marriage, but what can we do? I feel like I'm the only one trying, I communicate my needs, I need to get him over this.  Help?

A: Bianca.  Part of the trouble is that your husband may have felt violated and victimized.  For a macho man, this may feel a bit like being raped and can be quite a blow to the ego.  If this was the only instance, I would suggest that you try to talk to him about what you learned about your own loss of control.   You should have learned that alcohol is a terrible dis-inhibitor and can get you into trouble, especially in situations where your hungry and tempted.  I would suggest that you not trouble him with asking for his forgiveness over and over.  He's entitled to have his hurt feelings.  You may try an unexpected move by suggesting to him that you accept that he may have hurt feelings for a good while.  Then you can tell him what you will do differently on your end in the future (including how you handle alcohol). - Bryce Kaye

Deb from Texarkana, Texas:                       *

Q:  I recorded my husband's telephone calls and found out he was cheating. I asked him to be honest and tell me how long he has had an affair and he said 1 year. Sex, dating and gifts were included in this affair. He tells me that it is over but some days he acts as if he is cheating again. How can I tell if he is going to be sincere?

A:  Deb.  There's no science in knowing for sure.   However, if there's even a continuation of even mild lying, he's probably going to be cheating again on a larger scale, in the present or the future.  If he is very forthcoming about his feelings involved in the affair and allows you to ask questions, that's a good sign but, again, there's no guarantee. - Bryce Kaye

Marie from Pensacola, Fl.:                                   *

Q:  My husband and I ceased to have sex while I was pregnant. (It was a nasty, uncomfortable pregnancy, unplanned, with a great deal of fighting.) We fought about it for over a year after the baby was born - I worked full-time, parented full-time, and if I had a choice between sex and sleep, sleep would win every time. My husband told me I had a problem and it was up to me to fix it. I got lots of advice, from a counselor as well as other parents, and eventually settled on the "just do it" methodology, which worked a couple of times. Now the shoe is on the other foot, and he won't sleep with me. I asked him why not long ago, I told him that I felt like this might be motivated by spite - he started a huge argument where he made a number of ultimatums about my not quitting my job, my not home-schooling our child, etc., but he never actually answered the question. He has back-pedaled on the point of the argument, saying that it was only about allowing him the resources to go back to school. Any suggestion for what I should try next?

A: Marie.  It sounds as if you have some unsettled business.   If he's giving you ultimatums, he's involved in a power struggle with you.   Forget about focusing on sex while this is played out  - and don't   injure yourself again by the "just do it" methodology unless you really do want it.  In the meantime, see if you can get him (and yourself) to write down what you both want from each other so you can begin to negotiate out in the open.  - Bryce Kaye

Laurie from Utah:                                      *

Q:  My husband and I have been married for 16 years. I am not happy with our sex life - we have sex no more than 2 or 3 times a year and have gone as long as 2+ years without it at all. In addition, there is no kissing, hugging or affectionate touching of any kind.

I have asked him many times about this and have many answers. (You snore) - so I went to the doctor, (I don't want you to get pregnant) - I have been on birth control for more than 16 years, (You go to bed too early) - so I stay up late with him, (I am attracted to your mind more than your body) - I am considered pretty, not overweight, and can't understand why he would rather go without, even if he is not 'passionate' about me. With each answer, I have made every effort to address the situation, but still no affection/sex. I know he is not having an affair. In all other aspects, he is an ideal husband.

I have started sleeping on the couch. If I sleep with him, and he does not approach or touch me, it is very upsetting and I cry. He tells me he wants to have sex, but then does nothing about it. By sleeping on the couch, it seems like I am dropping my 1% chance to 0%, but it seems better than the constant disappointment. Please do not suggest that I become the initiator. I have done that plenty of times, and it seems to just reinforce that he NEVER 'wants' me. Do you have any advice for me?

Q:  Laurie.  I would suggest first things first.  From the information you've provided, I certainly can't rule out that there may be a physiological problem involved such as testosterone level.  I would suggest that a physiological checkup be considered.  It sounds as if he will be extremely defensive or reactive but on this one I would suggest that you hang tough.  It's all right to confront him very strongly because he's not managing the issue responsibly.  So, it would be best to 1) confront him to get a physical exam of testosterone levels and 2) confront him to go to a sex therapist with you.  He sounds too defensive to try to do this without more professional help.  The confrontation would be hard but I think it's your only way to a constructive solution. - Bryce Kaye

Christy from Albertville, Al.:                                   *

Q:  My husband and I have been married for 11 years. His job requires him to be out of town a lot. I feel that our time apart from each other has made us grow apart from one another. I get very lonesome when he is gone. He mostly works on the weekends. So, while all my married friends are going places and doing things with their spouses, I am stuck at home. I recently met someone over the internet. We have seen each other and have been intimate. I have told my husband. He is so hurt, but wants me to stay. But I don't feel like I can. I feel that we are so distant. I don't know if I can ever make love to my husband again. I don't feel that it is right for him or me. It will never be the same. The man that I am seeing doesn't want to see me anymore until I am divorced. I don't know what to do. Do I throw 11 years of marriage out the door? Even though I don't feel the same towards my husband or do I stay and be miserable? I need help. Christy

A: Christy.  The choice is yours to make, not mine.  However, I would say that your ability to evaluate your feelings in your current triangle are hopelessly muddied by your relationship with the third party.  It is entirely possible that your feelings toward your husband could change for the positive over time if your husband worked with you AND if you  eliminated the other relationship ABSOLUTELY.

 It also sounds as if you let yourself get very underpowered within the relationship with your husband.  How is it that you stuck yourself at home, unlike your friends, just because your spouse was gone on the weekends?  I'm not saying that a relatively absent spouse is a good situation.  What I'm saying is that you paint a picture of yourself as having been demobilized at home more than was necessary.  

If you had been out and about doing creative things in your husband's absence, you may still have come to the conclusion that it all wasn't working.  My own preference for handling that type of situation is to take anger and direct it within the relationship, not act it out by violating marital sexual boundaries.  When a spouse is terribly absent, it's a good idea to grab them by the lapels (figuratively speaking), give them a good shake, and tell them to wake up and work with you before you have to seek a divorce and get out of Dodge.

In your current situation, you're also not in a good position to start a relationship with a new partner.  This is obviously true because you haven't left your husband and some the dynamic of your relationships sounds like your loneliness.  Christy, whatever you do, do it cleanly.  You need to be un-distracted by any third party whenever you work on a relationship.  Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Charlene from Kansas:                                   *

Q:  My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Within that three years he has kissed another woman, asked a man to sleep with him, and recently I found out that he was wearing women's underwear. I know this sounds like it is straight off the Jerry Springer show but this unfortunately is very real. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I think he is just a weak willed person who thinks the path to being gay is just too hard and that staying married to me is easier. He wants to go to counseling and is making an appointment this week. I guess my question is, is this really worth it? Should I just give up? I could fight it if it was another woman, but I just don't have the right equipment to fight another man. I love my husband and I know he loves me. But I am thinking he doesn't know what true romantic love is and is mistaking love for a best friend for the marriage love. Could I be right? Help me please, I don't know what to do with all this.

A:  Charlene.  You ask an existential question about whether the relationship is worth the gamble and the time.  No one should answer that for you but you yourself.  However, there are some critical mistakes you are making that can be corrected if you look at them closely.

First, you are misconstruing your responsible.  If you consider it your fight with another man, then you've accepted that you need to control his emotion.  DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF!  The fight is his not yours.  He must fight his internal fears, shame, and ambivalence to understand the truth about himself.  Either he will pursue truth or he won't (by merely trying to placate you).  If you take on a "fight" for his passion, you set yourself up for shame because you do not have control in this situation.   

Second, it sounds as if you do not understand the nature of compulsion.  This may or may not be about being gay.  Even with homosexual feelings, many people also have heterosexual feelings as well and can manage a relationship with the opposite sex.  The more important issue is that your husband has exhibited a compulsion by acting in an inconsistent manner with his marital commitment.  This probably has nothing to do with whether or not he loves you just as an alcoholic's drinking has nothing to do with whether or not he/she loves their spouse.  You may want to learn more about sexual addiction.  You can go the the LINKS page on this website and click onto the SAA website. - Bryce Kaye

Brenda from Salt Lake, Utah:                         *

Q:  MY SPOUSE HAS BEEN GETTING INCREASINGLY ANGRY/ANXIOUS DUE TO WORKING TWO JOBS. I WORK 2 AS WELL, BUT I AM CONTENT WITH THEM--I ENJOY MY WORK. FOR THE PAST 2 WEEKS, HE'S BEEN SO MISERABLE--PROBLEMS SLEEPING/IRRITABLE/ AGITATED ALWAYS. HE DON'T EVEN HAVE FUN GOLFING. HE SAYS HE CAN'T CALM DOWN. IS IT A PROBLEM TO EXPECT YOUR SPOUSE TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIMSELF (MAKE A CHANGE) WHEN HIS ANGER/ANXIOUSNESS IS NOT ONLY AFFECTING HIM BUT YOU AS WELL? PEOPLE SAY YOU CAN'T EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE, BUT IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES ON HOW I WANT TO LIVE?  I'VE ASKED HIM TO RE-EVALUATE HIS LIFE/JOBS AND HOW HE'S MANAGING COPING WITH THE STRESS. I ENCOURAGED HIM TO SHAKE UP HIS LIFE IN ORDER TO CHANGE SOMETHING--BECAUSE THE WAY HE IS NOW IS NOT WORKING FOR HIM AND CAUSING HIM PHYSICAL AS WELL AS PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN? HE'S DECIDED TO QUIT HIS PART-TIME JOB AT NIGHT IN ORDER TO REGULATE SLEEP AND HOPEFULLY BE LESS ANXIOUS. I THINK WE CAN DEAL WITH THIS AND MAKE FINANCIAL CHANGES AS NEEDED. BUT, WAS IT WRONG FOR ME TO ASK HIM TO CHANGE?

A:  Absolutely not, Brenda.  The reason is because you "asked" him to change a SITUATION that was affecting both of you. It sounds like you confronted him but also respected that he had a choice.  You were not telling him to change his personality, change his friends, change his values, etc. - Bryce Kaye

T.R. from Flowery Branch, Georgia:                          *

Q:  My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and he has been working 2 full time jobs for the last 4 yrs by his choice. I also work a full time job. We have 2 children, and he recently told me that I could have the house and the car that I drive, that he wanted out of our marriage to start his life over.  He is almost 40 and I am 31. I love him very much, and when I tell him that I love him he replies with whatever, and that really hurts. I told him the other night that I loved him. This was the night that he told me that he wanted a divorce and he told me that I loved the material things that I had, and I told him no, that I loved him.  I need to know what I can do to make things better, any advice that I can get would be greatly appreciated.

A:  Dear T.R., there may be nothing you can do if he has stopped listening.  He may be emotionally out of the marriage and if so, then there's nothing you can do.  However, if he isn't, I'd be more curious about what he has been needing to feel loved that he hasn't been receiving.  I would suggest that you stop trying to persuade him about your feelings and and get real curious about knowing more and more about what he has been missing.  If he will communicate, it will be hard to hear without arguing.  However, you may learn a lot more and your intent listening may be the most powerful form of interaction you can offer.  Even so, it will depend upon whether he is truly still in the emotional relationship.  Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Brandy from Alexandria, La.:                                *

Q:  I PRESENTLY HOLD A MASTERS IN COUNSELING AND I AM WORKING TOWARDS LICENSURE. AFTER ALL THESE COURSES AND EXPERIENCE, I TOO, HAVE MADE POOR CHOICES FOR MATES. I "FELL IN LOVE" WITH WHAT I THOUGHT MY IDEAL MATE WAS---WHERE DID I GET THAT? WHO KNOWS--FOR 8 YEARS I TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK TO NO AVAIL--FINALLY I SOUGHT COUNSELING AND HAD THE COURAGE TO "LET GO".. WE'RE STILL FRIENDS. I HAVE MET SOMEONE NEW WHO WORSHIPS ME--WE ARE NOW 3 YRS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP AND ENGAGED. THE MARRIAGE IS IN 6 MONTHS AND THIS OLD "BAD" INNER VOICE OF MINE KEEPS SAYING "BUT, WHEN DO YOU FALL IN LOVE"--IT DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME---NO UPS AND DOWNS---MY HEAD KNOWS THAT'S BETTER--BUT MY HEART IS CONFUSED. I READ THE ARTICLE ON BUILDING LOVE OFF RESPECT------THAT TOO IS QUESTIONABLE. LIKE I SAID.   I HAVE A MASTERS AND HE DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE--NOT THAT COLLEGE IS EVERYTHING. I WANT TO RESPECT HIM, BUT I'M HAVING A PROBLEM DOING THAT WHEN HE JUST WANTS TO PLAY GOLF--AND COMPLAINS ABOUT HIS $9/HR JOB--BUT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING TO GET A BETTER ONE, (IE.-GO TO SCHOOL).  PLEASE HELP.

A:  Brandy.  It sounds like you may be having difficulty respecting him but respect isn't the only dimension.  You may also have difficulty in the long run if you crave stimulation and he's not going to give it to you.  If you have an appetite for intellectual stimulation, adventuring, etc. and that's not his forte, then it might not be a good match.  It sounds like you want him to change.  That doesn't mean that there's anything necessarily wrong with the way he is.  Like I said before, it may not be a good match.  But if you can't respect his values and interests, then that's a big problem. I would suggest that you need to get yourself to the point that you can accept him for the way he is before you hitch up for the long term.  It's very dangerous (and perhaps dishonest) to commit to a long term relationship expecting to change that person. - Bryce Kaye

Clara from Newport:                                *

Q:  How do I tell my husband that I'm not attracted to him sexually?

A:  Clara.  One way to NOT tell him is to dump it in his lap by blurting it out as if it's his problem to fix.  You have many ways that you can possibly tell him, not just one.  - But the way that I like is to present it as: a) a joint problem in the relationship; b) a problem that you're dedicated to trying to resolve; c) a problem that is not necessarily his but may be yours; and d) a problem that may not be about his sexuality at all but perhaps a result of some emotional dynamics between the two of you that need to be worked out.  Good luck. - Bryce Kaye

Worried in Lexington, KY:                                 *

Q:  My husband and I have been married a little over two years and we have a 6 month old little girl. When I was about 6 months pregnant he joined the Army he said that he wanted to make it better for our child and us, but now we are having problems.  First we are separated due to training and now we have money problems.   Sometimes I don't hear from him in weeks. When he was in basic he wrote everyday and now its like he has forgotten. He says that he doesn't want a divorce but he tells me that I need one to be happy. I am on the edge. He doesn't want out of the Army but he wants us to be together. What should I do?

A:  Dear "Worried", I don't know.  Life can be very rough sometimes and I don't know all that he must manage in his situation.  You have choices, some of them very difficult ones.  For example, one option is to pick up work yourself if you haven't already.  That leaves you with childcare problems but then there may be resources such as extended family.  It's very hard to work on a relationship with someone who isn't there.  Is there a predictable point in time when you and he will be back together?  If so, you may choose to just tough it out until you can have a relationship again.  Sorry but I don't have any easy answers here. - Bryce Kaye

Buddy from Milwaukee, Wisconsin:                          *

Q:  I love my wife but she is driving me crazy.  She went to California to be with my mom who is very sick. When she returned-i found a bunch of phone charges to a man i don't know .When i asked her about this she said it was none of my business-eventually she told me it was a FRIEND through the internet. My first instinct was to assume she had an affair.  She lied to me about other calls she made.  She eventually told me she was trying to patch up a relationship between him and another one of her net friends.  She plays cards and chats with these people till late at night.   I go to bed alone almost every night.  I know i am overprotective but she feels its not my business.  Most are men she plays with and that bothers me.  I don't get any sex at home -she says she doesn't like it.  I am starting to think she does not love me anymore and rarely says nice things to me.  I think at one time she was going to leave me for one of her friends.  I want her to love me and tell me and not hide stuff from me-be honest. Any suggestions-Thanks.

A:  Buddy, it takes two people working on a relationship with consistent honesty.  You make your wife sound both dishonest with you as well as avoidant.  My suggestion is that you will likely need marital counseling from what you have told me.  It doesn't sound like you will be able to get enough engaged effort from her unless there's an objective professional third party who can more effectively confront and reflect the truth for both you and she.  Sorry - Bryce Kaye.

Chris from Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK:                           *

Q:  My wife and I have been married 3 1/2 years. When I first met her I cannot say that I was sexually attracted to her to the extent I had been to previous girlfriends but she was a very loving and caring person and I knew she would always be there for me. I somehow hoped that the caring side of the relationship would win out and maybe sexual attraction would not prove to be an issue. However as the years have gone by I have found myself more and more dissatisfied with our sex life - we do make love 2 or 3 times a week but I have very little interest in it and do it more because I know it curbs her anxieties about how I feel about her. January of this year I decided I couldn't cope with it any more and we agreed to split up. Within a few days I met a woman whom I was very attracted to and we started sleeping together. I had forgotten how wonderful sex could be and talked about settling down with this woman. Not many weeks passed when I realized how much I missed the easy-going, loving, supportive relationship I had with my wife. I broke off the relationship with the new woman and asked my wife if we could try again which she agreed to. I know we need to find a solution to generating a bit of spark and sexual attraction in our relationship to make it work. Somehow she is just "not my type" although most people agree she is very pretty. I feel sure because of the love we have for each other and our desire to make it work that we can find a way to develop this attraction. Any help gratefully received.

A:  Chris, you will probably need to get a lot more inventive with you wife to spice things up.  Perhaps you both can explore erotic literature to get some new ideas to try out.  However, one thing you said is a real killer (of passion).  It sounds like you have fallen into a role of managing your wife's anxiety by placating her with sex.  You've crossed the sexual "wire" with the responsibility "wire". That's a big-time problem because it shorts out passion.   Somehow, you need to disengage yourself from having to reassure her.  Get sex back into the fun realm and refuse to manage her emotions for her.  She needs to be a big girl so that she doesn't even need to have you constantly loving her or reassuring her. - Bryce Kaye

Dawn from Westminster, Ca.:                            *

Q:  My best buddy, and family member (brother-in-law) is going thru the most difficult time of his life. His marriage is up in the air, his life is living out side the family and so on. The marriage has been for 5 years and 2 children belong to the previous marriage/divorce. And the 2 smallest children under the age of 5 years old, are his.

He and his wife work alternate hours of each other, one works the morning shift and the other works graveyard shift. It is like two ships in the night that constantly pass each other without comment. The father works mornings and is the babysitter and evening cook. The wife works part-time graveyard shift and seems to do less and less in regards to the children's needs.  They both argue constantly about everything and anything. At this point she now has drawn lines within the marriage. She now told the husband to leave and reside outside the family home.

It has been 6 weeks since the father has been staying with us.   He constantly has great hope, great outlook, and still smiles occasionally. He has been sleeping, and living with us in our home, as crazy as it may be too, I am sure he wants to go home soon.

BUT in the mist of all the bull---, she has told him, that she had an affair on the side of their marriage. He now has continuous doubts of everything she does. She has not answered any questions or given up any names! The husband is totally left in the dark!!

What advise can I offer this guy besides the clear one: Of getting help counseling and/or therapy of some type?

Please he is going to read this information, and only he needs to know, I can only tell him time-and-time again. To get professional help of some type...

Thank you for your ear, Dawn .

A:  Dawn, I actually wasn't thinking about marital counseling or therapy because you describe the wife as breaching good faith in the marriage.  The first thing that came to mind was a good lawyer.  If the wife changes her mind about working on the relationship, then a marriage counselor can be considered.  I would suggest that you ask your brother in law how long he will put his life on hold for someone who isn't willing to work with him.  You can ask him if he has set a date when he will choose to stop waiting.  I say this because there is never a definite point when there's no hope.  Some people assume that as long as there's the smallest bit of hope, they will wait to see if the other person changes.  Unfortunately, that's a prescription for wasting your most precious resource: your time. - and time is life! - Bryce Kaye

Cecilia from Rochester, NY:                                    *

Q:  My husband & I have been together for over 11 years and married for 2. We have two lovely boys age 10 & 7. We first moved in together about one year after our first child was born (both being teenagers) so we have experienced major "ups & downs" but after we started planning our wedding every time we have a little 'pow-wow' it escalates to this major fiasco and my husband threatens to leave. He has gotten to the point of packing his stuff and then I hold him back. I know that I am still very much in love with him, and I think he still loves me very much.

One example of something small escalating to a major problem would be the other night I wanted to watch something on tv, but he didn't want to see the same thing so we got into a huge argument and he broke our tv remote in half. I wouldn't want to leave my husband but I know that if we continue this way it will get to the point that one of us will do or say something that we won't be able to fix with "I'm sorry I didn't mean that". I am also afraid that this attitude WE have will affect our children. I admit that I also have a very bad attitude sometimes it's as if we just clash!!! Please any advice you give would be greatly appreciated. I have tried counseling and we went to 2 sessions and my husband just thought it was a huge joke.

A:  Cecilia. It sounds as if both of you may be really fighting to avoid feeling "less than", symbolically unimportant, or afraid that you will somehow fall into a victim role.  I would suggest you go to the section of the Marital First Aid Kit that discusses unproductive conflict.  Both of you need to agree to ground rules for leaving the scene