Marital First Aid
KitMarital First Aid
Kit
Patrick from New Jersey:
Q: I have been married for 9 years and have two children. Recently my wife told me that she was unhappy with me always working on house projects every weekend. She said she feels like a single parent and that her feelings for me have changed. She does not love me anymore. I have not been trying to avoid my wife or children. I thought it was the right thing to do. I told my wife that I would stop doing things for them and do more things "with" them. My wife hurt me deeply by saying she does not love me. I love her very much and want her to love me again. What can I do to?
A: Patrick. Try to keep in mind that your wife not loving you is not about your lovability, only about your current situation. If she loved you before, she probably now has accumulated too much pain and anger to feel love. Don't think that she can quickly change that. You will need to first determine whether she will work with you to try to restore a healthier emotional environment in your family. Do NOT make any demands on her to quickly change her feelings and try to love you again. Your best strategy is to reassure her that you understand that she has lost her love for you and you don't blame her. Then, don't look for any immediate change of heart on her part. However, if she's willing to work with you, then see if she will make a lot of plans for scheduling in time together - time as a family as well as time as a couple away from the kids. Also, go to the section of the Marital First Aid Kit that deals with emotional-starvation syndrome. Read it and have her read it. Then try what it suggests.
Patrick. If you do find it difficult to break free of house projects, then consider that you may be very uncomfortable with emotional intensity. If this is the case, consider joining a psychotherapy group that focuses on relationship skills. You would learn a lot but also it would de-condition whatever shame or anxiety leads you to escape into responsibility. It may also be that you have a hard time playing. I don't know but consider that as well. - Bryce Kaye
Mario from Los Angeles, California:
Q: I have been trying to resolve a major marital problem with no success. It seems that all we do is waste time and energy arguing about old and present issues without getting any positive results. This has been going on for about a year but in the last six months it has taken a much stronger force. If I/We do not find a true solution to the problem, then divorce is the only option. We have been married for 23 yrs.
Here is the problem: My wife (43yrs.)argues that she has devoted many years to the house and kids and ignored her needs. She claims the kids are old enough now to take care of themselves and that she will now look more after herself. The first thing she did was to lose plenty of weight, mostly through starving since there has not been a decent meal in the house for months. The "kids"( 17, 20 and 23 yrs) continuously make statements about being tired of eating out. She also started going to the gym. Later, all I heard was her need to have fun so she was drinking and going to visit friends. Later it was work " so much to do" She will go in an hour earlier and get out two hours late, only to return at night. So she was out of the house since 6:30 am until about 10pm, not always but normally. I put up with this behavior thinking it will pass and is only one of those growing up/growing old phases, but it did not. It got worse. She started going out with friends and relatives to casinos and parties, and in numerous occasions (4) she never came home. She would spend the night with them because" they got too drunk to drive" To say the least this disrespect for me , the kids, and my home broke my heart into a million pieces. I honestly can not recover from this, in my mind I always wonder who she was with and what they did. She claims nothing ever happened -sexually with another man- but I do not believe it for a second. For months her behavior showed me she was looking for someone, that she was ready and willing to try new relationships. After a major argument we decided to give our marriage one more try, and we decided to have a party. Everything seemed to be fine, we were dancing, and she was drinking ( I do not drink). At one time I went to check on the inside of the house, found a couple of drunk people, made sure that they were OK, and went back outside, where the party was at. Well, there she was, dancing with another man, whom I did not know nor did she. I got very upset. Did not talk to her for about 4 days, and her attitude was " I have done nothing wrong and you have a serious personal problem" Finally we argued again and she claims she is not doing anything wrong, and the only one that sees a problem with her behavior is me. What else can I do? HELP.
A: Mario. From the sounds of it I doubt that you and your wife will stabilize your marriage without professional help. You and I are only guessing at what has led to a change in your wife's life priorities. It is not clear that she truly wants to improve the relationship with you. You also raise up the issue of fairly heavy alcohol use by she and her friends. I don't know if that plays a significant factor. There's also the history between you and she to which she may now be reacting since the kids are grown. Then there's the possibility of an affair. With all these dynamics, you need a good marriage counselor to spend time with both of you to tease out what's really going on. This Q & A forum will not be able to do it. - Bryce Kaye
Frannie from Brighton, Co.:
Q: ME and my Husband have been married for two years and have two children. I am a stay home Mom, but in my opinion I think when my husband is home that the duties dealing with the children should be split 50/50. And I don't ever get to do anything without the kids because my husband won't watch the kids. So my first question is: Do you think the duties of the kids should be split 50/50 when he is home? And my second question is: Should he be able to go out and do stuff without the kids if I can't?? Please help our marriage is falling apart because of it!!
A: Frannie: Let me first give you a qualified "no". It is not ALWAYS the case that a 50-50 time split on parenting is best when both parents are home. It can depend on a number of factors. Probably the best way of approaching this issue is to look at the distribution of discretionary (free) time within the relationship. Think of discretionary time as a resource. You can spend this resource doing fun stuff that you like and have chosen for yourself. Discretionary activities are not for the mutual benefit of both parties. For example, if your husband plays golf, goes out with the guys, spends time in leisurely reading, then all of that is discretionary time. However, if he is business meetings, is reading technical journals in preparation for a business move, or is going to the doctor, then all of that are responsibilities to maintain self and family. I would suggest that you approach the problem from the stand-point of discretionary time. Who's getting more of it? You both can do a strict accounting of how much time you each spend in discretionary activities during a typical week. That will determine if there's any unfairness in the distribution. THEN you can approach him about shifting some of the discretionary time to you while he takes the kids. Unless you go at this methodically as I've described, there's a tendency for people to go with their gut feelings about why they're psychologically entitled to more. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Henry from Cape Elizabeth, Me.:
Q: My wife and I have been married for 17 years. Now that our two children are getting older, we are having trouble making ends meet. I work very hard as the primary wage earner. My wife has entered the work force again, but we seem to be falling farther behind. Last month, my wife informed me of her plans to go to college to earn a degree. When I protested because I couldn't figure out how we can pay for this, she told me that she wants a divorce because she hasn't been happy for a long time. Looking back, it hasn't been easy or much fun trying to pinch pennies to survive, but I guess I must have turned a blind eye toward any symptoms. Since this announcement, I have been struggling to hold on to any sign that we still have something left between us. I have suggested counseling, the answer is we'll see. I've asked her to fill out an emotional needs survey so I can figure out what I haven't been doing for her, but she has not found time. Today I asked if we would ever have sex again; she told me I should find someone to have it with. She told me that she is not there for me anymore, and it will take a long time before anything is different between us. I have asked what I can do to work at it. She tells me there is nothing I can do because the problem is with her. On the plus side, she seems to want to live in the same house until she gets her degree, maybe because we can't afford to live apart. We have always been good friends to each other and we still have that and we are still there for our children. I feel so lost and lonely its almost unbearable. Can you please help me?
A: Henry. I doubt that I can help you towards getting your wife back. You describe very consistent and clear messages from her that she wants out. What help I can provide is to clarify that you run the risk of wasting your time with misguided hope. It is likely that she will still want to use this relationship to build a foundation for her later independence - when she finally leaves you. I strongly suggest for you to not buy such a cheap deal for yourself. You don't need to spend a lot of time supporting her with the misguided hope that she'll change her mind. You may want to spend 4 to 6 months to see if she really wants to work with you with a marriage therapist. However, if she doesn't choose that, then don't hold on because of desperation. Your life is too important to be a footnote to someone else's - someone who has already emotionally left. Sorry. - Bryce Kaye
Mary from Wellsburg, N.Y.:
Q: Please help! I have been married for only 8 months now. The main problem is, that since the day we said "I do", my husband has become increasingly self-centered. He is also no longer interested in sex. He refuses to tell me I look good, or do any small act to show his love. His excuse is that he has no energy for such things. I have tried to explain how much it would mean to me, with no avail. He seems only to be interested in himself. Sexually, we had no problems until our wedding day. He admits that his sexual drive is dead now, and can give no reason. In turn, it is making me feel extremely unattractive, and unimportant in his eyes. I don't know what happened. My only guess is that he regrets his decision now that it is over. Please tell me I'm wrong to believe this! In his defense, he feels that all I do anymore is complain. He also started a new job the week we got married, and it keeps him away from home for days at a time. When he is home, all he wants to do is lay on the couch and watch tv. I understand that he is tired, but I have needs too. He has also stated that he believes that a marriage should not need any work, it should just flow smoothly, so he sees ours as being defective. I am at my wits end. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.
A: Mary. First, read the diagnostic section titled "Emotional Deprivation Syndrome" in the First Aid Kit. See if your husband is willing to do some scheduling with you. If he is not willing to do so, you would best confront him that the marriage is not working for you and that you both need to see a marriage counselor to save it. If he still refuses, then you should reconsider your marriage with a husband who refuses to manage the relationship responsibly. Marriage relationships DO require work....a lot of work! Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Jean from Ohio:
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We lived together and were engaged but broke it off and I moved out to try and salvage our relationship. We were fighting all the time about little things...just getting on each other's nerves. He ended up cheating on me and I forgave him. Five months later we are having a terrible time putting us back together. I do not trust him but believe with time I will be able to again. The problem is he has a friend that he was romantically involved with that he is in constant contact with. I know they are just friends but I tried to tell him I am uncomfortable with their relationship right now and he said he will not give his friends up for me . He is also upset that I question him about things he does because of the trust issue. Is there any hope for us?
A: Jean. There is always hope but the real question is: Is it realistic? If your husband has not been sexual with this "friend" for quite a long time, then it might be possible that their emotionally boundaries have re-grown. However, if he has recently been involved with her, then a true friendship is unrealistic and he's be lying to himself. More importantly, does your husband show a propensity for lying and deception in other areas? If so, then you should not have much hope because he will not restore your trust. Time alone doesn't usually restore trust. Emotional intimacy plus consistent behavior over time is what really does the job.. If he is still evasive or sneaky, time alone won't do it. Answer your own question. Do you think he has it in him to be honest and consistent over time, not only with affairs but in everyday life? - Bryce Kaye
Sheri from Washington:
Q: Do you offer any type of counseling or can you direct me to some that has to do with a spouse using the internet for cyber sex? And of course the wife not knowing about it and finding out? Thank you, Sheri.
A: Sheri. I'm afraid that I don't have any better suggestion than to try the search engines and type in: [ +cybersex +counseling]. You will get a long list of sites dealing with the phenomenon. If your husband shows a more generalized compulsion about pornography and sex, then go to www.sanon.org. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Jeni from Pensacola, Florida:
Q: My husband and I have been married for 6 months now. We have been getting into more fights then ever lately. Actually, we used to never fight. We had little arguements, but we never fought though. It's like all we do is hurt each others feelings. I'm one that is scared to tell someone how I feel because I'm scared it's going to hurt him. He tells me all of the time that he wants to know how I feel about something. Well, I have begun to tell him now. And ever since I have, he yells at me and tells me that I'm being selfish and unfair. I can't help how I feel about some things. Recently, his mother has begun a fight between us. My husband has always wanted a motorcycle. His brother is selling his bike and his mother told him about it. He was really excited about it when he found out, but he told his mother that he wanted to talk to me first before buying it. I told him that I don't want him to buy it because I feel as if they are very unsafe and I don't want him to get hurt and he understood why I didn't want him getting the bike. Well he went back and told his mother that he did not want to buy the bike. And that's when we starting fighting. His mother now says that I control his life and I tell him what he can and can't have. But I don't though. I tell him how I feel about something and that's when he decides what he does and buys. Well, I told my husband that it hurt my feelings when his mother said that I control his life. When I told him that, he said that I was being selfish and inconsiderate. I don't know why he said that, but he did. His mother said that I'm not good enough for her son and that I have an anger control problem, in which case I do not. My husband is a big time mama's boy. He'll admit to that also. I feel as if his mother comes before me. He takes his mom's word before he would even consider mine and does things that only his mother would want him to do. It's like everytime I express how I feel about the subject, he just says I'm selfish and unfair and he throws it back in my face. I'm scared that she's going to come between us and we're going to split up because of it. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul, but I just don't know when or what to say to him anymore. I'm scared that if I keep telling him how I feel, he's going to yell at me. He never gets mad at his mom for criticizing me or making me sound like the "bad guy". But it's like when I say his mother is being unfair, he stands up for her and protects her. I want him to do that for me. Everything he does in life is for her. We are moving into a house that is across the street from her. He's not reenlisting into the military because she doesn't want him to, and we put off alone time because he doesn't want to leave her just in case something happens to her. I understand that he doesn't want to leave her alone by herself because she's 82 years old and has bad arthritis in her bones. But there are times that I would like to have my husbands's complete and undivided attention. So please, tell me what I should do!! I need help fast, because if I don't do something soon, I'm going to be a heartbroken woman!! I definitely don't want that either. Thank you!! Jenny
A: Jenny. First of all, don't even bother responding to the issue of whether or not you're selfish. Just assume that you are "healthily selfish" and that it's OK. Your husband has to learn to negotiate with you about your "selfish" needs and to avoid invalidating them. Unfortunately, it sounds as if he doesn't understand a lot about relationships. He needs to become clearer about what areas of decision-making and communication are private to your marriage and are beyond the range of Mom. Conversely, you need to let go of any tug of war for his affection. He deserves to love his mother and you don't need to act out any jealousy about that. You should especially avoid derogating his mother to him. Instead, focus on getting him to agree to some rules for what communications and areas of decision should remain private for the two of you. If he can't do that, then you both will badly need a marriage counselor to help you accomplish this task. - Bryce Kaye
Lisa from Marlboro, Ma.:
Q: Hi, my husband likes to enter porn sites via the internet. Last year alone he downloaded 180 files. A few were dating services. He claims that the porn site must have accidently entered him there. He has received massages from different woman out of state. He lied about that until I called them. When I was in the hospital having our baby he went home and looked at porn. He still lies about, says I am crazy and just looking for things to aggravate myself, and that I am not happy until I make myself miserable. I called the porn co. and they gave me his user name, which is our baby son's nickname. That hurt. When I asked him he said the porn site made a mistake and he never entered that porn site, when I have the proof that he did. I am hurt. I have beensleeping on the couch for almost three months because of this. We have been married for 15 years w/ 4 children. He absolutely refuses to go to therapy and claims the last time we went, it did not help.
My question, is why does he lie about it. I think because he feels shameful. I told him it is not necessarily the ACT but the LIE, that it is killing me. I cannot eat, sleep, think straight, etc. Please help, I would greatly appreciate it. Sincerely, Lisa
A: Lisa. You can be helped best by going to www.sanon.org which is the website for family members of sexual addicts. When you get to the site, try to track down where there's an actual meeting near you. Start going to them. Your husband's lies and deceptions suggest that he has a strong compulsion. Since you're emotionally involved with him, you will be infected by his shame. You are more probably right about his shame than you realize. However, you're probably not as aware of the amount of shame that you are having to carry because of his compulsion. Get help at S-Anon and good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Byron from White Castle, LA.:
My wife and I grew up in a small town where everybody knows everybody. She lived with both her parents and mine got a divorce when I was 9. I saw lots of violence from my mothers behalf toward my father and it was sometimes scary for me. When my wife was growing up she wouldn't stay all night with friends and such. She even had a scholarship to go to school to play basketball and turned it down cause she had to leave home. She's 31 and I am 27. She's been married once ....I have not. We got married in 96 and moved 5 hours away from home where she really resented me for the longest time making every effort to go visit our hometown...even if it meant falling asleep on the way. I coach and teach and she teaches. My time in coaching is always used against me when I coach. I often hear how I am neglecting my child cause I coach and I am gone a lot. I also get tired of going to our hometown because its not very big and to me everything that's going on has been said on the phone the night before. Her and her mother talk every single day on the phone. Her mother did not hold a job. When she was growing up her father was the only one that worked. I lived with my father because of custody battles and he stayed busy with coaching and teaching as well. We had a child two years ago and recently moved again but somewhat closer to our hometown ...about a three our drive. Our desicion to move was based on opportunity as a teacher. We teach in different school systems and we have different schedules. Our breaks fall at different times and more often than not over lap. She leaves when her breaks start... usually before mine and takes my son too. They go to her mothers and stay....while I teach and when my break starts I leave to so I can see them. I do not stay with my wife and son when we are in our hometown. I stay with my father and my wife and son stay with her mother and father. I really don't like this situation and they offer for me to stay but the house is small and someone has to double up in a single bed or sleep on the couch and I can't be myself either.....I stay up late and everyone else goes to bed so I stay with my dad and feel more comfortable..except I don't have my family. However to get back to the point ...I try to do things she does to me so she can feel how I feel and she erupts...with emotional anger. For example I wanted to take my son to my fathers with me to stay a night and she was not going to allow that to happen. Another example is she wanted to leave one weekend because some friends from back home called and offered to come and get her so she could go to our hometown festival. I had a graduation on a friday, and a track meet all day Sat. She wanted me to drive in Saturday night and we all come back on Monday because of a holiday weekend. I simply said thats not a problem...the problem is when I decide to leave in the middle of your last two weeks of work and take little Tommy then there will be a problem. She said well I would go to...! I said and miss work she said yes. I said well I am not saying I am but if I wanted to then I guess you would have to miss work....! She got really angry and I was trying to make a point..... that its okay for her to leave me home by myself but its not for me to leave her at home and visit over night (Just me and my son). More often than not I am tired when I get in from Track Practice or meets and anytime she gets a chance she leaves to go to our hometown and I don't feel like driving 3 hours to turn around and come straight back. I also would love to see my family when I get home and not drive at all. It hurts me for her to leave and take my son off and me not get to enjoy him. The last example caused a big up roar and she told me my point was useless cause its different with a mother and son than a father and son. That may be true but I try so hard to provide and enjoy my family cause I didn't have a strong family and all of my sons morals take place at her mothers house and not our house.... When we return to our home in our work place it feels like a place we stay when we work. We very seldom enjoy our own home outside of work cause we alway end up in our hometown. The last example I gave you about me trying to make a point lead to a argument where she pulled a butcher knife in front of my son on me cause I asked her a direct question and she wouldn't admit it was the truth and she tried to escape the situation and I wanted her to answer. My son started crying and I grabbed her hand and shoved the knife down in a flower pot and it fell off the counter. She runs to the phone to dial 911 and I should have been the one calling 911 cause my life was in danger not hers...I didn't raise a hand to her and never will. So I asked what are you doing .... she replied calling 911 and I hung the phone up and she belted me across the mouth and busted my lip up pretty good while blood sprayed from my mouth... I immediatly.....turned around and was getting my stuff to leave and she says I am sorry ....and wouldn't let me leave... and then wanted to talk.... The whole entire time my son is watching this stuff. She ends up leaving. My question is what in the world should I do in this situation. Everytime our hometown is brought up its a aguement and sometimes a fight. I don't want them to leave and feel left out sometime...but when the tides are turned man its world war three around my house. I can't deal with this...and don't really understand the conflict if its jealousy or if she doesn't care about my feeling ( cause she told me during the arguement that she didn't love me and it felt good to say that ...she has also has told me in the past she would sleep in Tanners room but shes afraid that he would wake up and not see us together). She is stern when it comes to our home town and I feel like she wants to be mothered. How do I approach the situation...next time and do you think my son will remember what he wittnessed? Please respond... I need help... this has been going on for a while now....Byron.
A: Good grief Byron! Your "question" has been the longest I have ever had....and perhaps the most difficult to answer. It sounds as if your wife is minimally invested in your relationship and that's a major problem. It also sounds as if she's terribly invested in seeing her folks instead of sharing time with you. I would suggest that, in the near future, you do whatever you need to do in order to increase your contact with each other. You may need to reconsider staying with her at her parents' place when you're in your hometown, even if it is cramped. - But I also really think that you both will need counseling because of what sounds like real avoidance on her part. You don't make her sound like she's in pursuit of a relationship with you. A counselor will force both of you to deal with the real issues between yourselves instead of avoiding each others (as it sounds to currently be the case). - Bryce Kaye
Renee from Stamford, Connecticut:
Q: I'm a 29 year old woman and my fiance is 39 years old, or at least he was my fiance up until yesterday. We live together and my problem is that I am extremely jealous and abusive to my fiance. He is genuinely a good person who has been wonderful to me, But because of emotionally destructive relationships I've had in the past, I am not able to deal with him for who he is. I'm always looking for signs that he's doing something wrong. I do this so that I can protect myself before things get out of control. But the truth is he hasn't done anything, but I still find things to fight about. Now he has reached a point where he does not eat at home. He goes out alone now, and he won't speak to me. What can I do to rectify the relationship.
A: Renee. You can get into some EMDR therapy. Go to the web site www.emdria.org and see if you can find a certified EMDR therapist in your area. This type of therapy is really great for reducing the type of fear that drives your jealousy and suspiciousness. I've personally had a lot of success in using EMDR to help people decrease old fears that interfere with their marriages. The therapy works because it actually stimulates a part of your brain to shift one type of painful memory (eidetic memory) into a more comfortable type of memory (semantic memory). The result is a great reduction in anxiety which is exactly what you want. Make sure you get an EMDR therapist that is actually certified by EMDRIA. Then you know for sure you have a good one because the training is vigorous. I can vouch for that because I went through it and am certified myself. Good luck.- Bryce Kaye
Cheryl from Evansville, Indiana:
Q: My husband is a production supervisor at a major manufacturing plant (makes really good money) and works many odd hour shifts....sometimes 32 hours on a 48 hour weekend!! (after a 40 hour week) When he is on this shift (2nd) he tends to ignore me and the girls...my daughters...has "other" things to do...like "start a new business so he won't have to work all of these hours!" My problem is...he is trying sooo hard to start this new business, that he is forgetting what is, or should be, important in his life. I will go for several days without even talking to him...and he will tell me he didn't have time...although he has a 45 minute drive to work and a cell phone! But when I tell him how I feel, he just tells me..."thanks for being so supportive!" Now...after a confrontation...he refuses to even answer my phone calls or pages...I am at wit's end!!! His way of getting even is to not call me...answer the pages/cell...and not come home when he is supposed to! Somebody....please help me!!!!
A: Cheryl. Your plight is unfortunately all too common. It sounds as if your husband is emotionally compressed into a responsibility mode that leaves him too depleted for loving. This may or may not be necessary. Families often do go through periods when, for the sake of survival or big opportunities, they suppress emotional needs and focus on the bottom line priorities. However, it really needs to be mutually negotiated and it is especially important that both parties know when the emotional sacrifices will end. Unfortunately, your husband is not managing this very well and it raises the question of whether he perceives his role as paternal protector.. In other words, if he's paternalistic and you're viewed as being more child-like, the he will not feel obligated to share the decision-making regarding finances. Ask yourself if this is the case. If so, you may want to use a family counselor as mediator to renegotiate roles of more equal authority. In short, Cheryl, you may have a more general problem than whether or not your husband returns your calls. I would suggest that you stop focusing on the latter and address the former. The main goal is to get to the point that you and your husband are mutually strategizing and negotiating when your family will make these emotional sacrifices for financial gain. In the meantime, you can print out the section on Emotional Starvation Syndrome elsewhere in the First Aid Kit. See if you can get him to read it and discuss it with you.- Bryce Kaye
Becky from Vidor, Texas:
Q: MY HUSBAND AND I HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN THE "HAPPY MARRIED COUPLE" LATELY. WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR A YEAR AND 2 MONTHS. WE SOLD OUR HOUSE IN AUSTIN AND RELOCATED TO VIDOR. WE DECIDED TOGETHER TO BUILD A HOME ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HIS PARENTS LAND. WE ARE LIVING WITH THEM NOW AND I BELIEVE IT HAS PUT A MAJOR STRAIN ON OUR MARRIAGE. HE WILL TALK TO ME IN WAYS AS IF I'M A DOG AND I DON'T LIKE IT. EVERY TIME I CONFRONT HIM WITH MY FEELINGS , HE SAYS I CAN LEAVE. BUT I DON'T WANT TO BECAUSE WE HAVE 2 KIDS AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT BETTER?
A: Becky. From what you have said, there is not enough information for me to give you an intelligent direction. The only thing that occurs to me is to try to negotiate a way to live in some other temporary housing. Living in the in-laws house is often a very severe stressor that causes squirrely dynamics in a marriage. It will often put the son or daughter in a more regressed emotional state. - Bryce Kaye
Katie from Miami, Florida:
Q: I've been married 1 1/2 years to a man with a 13 y.o. son who lives with us. Together we have no children, but are trying without success ...He was hurt from his previous marriage in that she ruined his credit, and left him for someone who made more money. Living with a stepchild is difficult enough, but the other day I found he was lying to me. He was keeping a checking acct (that he said he closed when we got married), found steroids (He said he wouldn't use until I got pregnant. He knew I was against it altogether). He apologized for the above, but I'm having a hard time forgiving. I came into this marriage with complete honesty and openness, taking on the expense of his son and my husband's expensive hunting trips. I came into this marriage with xx,000 dollars, he with a debt, and he's stashing money! He spends more on a daily basis. I need a professional opinion. Thanks.
A: Katie. Believe your own eyes. If your husband has been lying to you for his own convenience, he will probably continue to do so on other matters in the future. That pattern does not change easily, even with counseling. If both of you had separate checking accounts for private use, each being fed an equal amount each month, that would be a viable arrangement. However, the issues here are more general: 1) honesty and 2) equity. You are complaining that you do not have either. I would strongly suggest that you consult with an attorney and find a way to safeguard your pre-marital assets. Your marriage should not dip into those assets, especially since your husband shows a disregard for honesty and profound disrespect for you.. - Bryce Kaye
Debra from Atlanta, Ga.:
Q: I have lost the desire to have sex. My husband who has a very high sex drive, is going crazy. I also have emotional problems. I am depressed a great deal of the time. It has been this way for approx. 3yrs. We have been together for 4 yrs. married 3. Please help me, I don't want a divorce.
A: Debra. First I would recommend that you see a psychiatrist (if you haven't already) to evaluate your depression. You may find that with the right antidepressant medication that your sex drive may come back with your lust for life. If you've tried this route, then you may want to talk with your husband about different ways that you can help him relieve his sexual tension without you having to have actual intercourse. Forcing yourself to have intercourse can actually damage your delicate sexual emotions for later on in life. However, you can participate in other sexual play that doesn't require for your to pretend to be sexually aroused. See if he will compromise with you while you honestly promise to him that you will continue working to get yourself out of depression. I don't recommend your compromising to the point that you obligate yourself to intercourse. That path will only make matters worse in the long-run. - Bryce Kaye
Maggie L from Bridgeton, N.J.:
Q: My husband and I have been married for almost a year now and our marriage seems to be going around in circles. We are constantly fighting because of his family. I talk to him all the time and try to fix things but somehow or another we always end up back to square one (no where). I tell him that he makes me feel as if his family comes before I do. And every time we fight, regardless of who started it, I always end up being the one begging and pleading. I feel so frustrated. Every word I say seems to go in one ear and out the other. I just don't know what else to do. I tried talking to his family rationally as well but they were "offended" since they claim to have every right to interfere in their brother's life. I don't want out (of this marriage). I just want a solution. HELP please. I am willing to try anything.
A: Maggie. You probably need to back up and go at this more systematically. You need to recognize that your husband has a right to have a relationship with his family that is not subject to your approval. At the same time, your husband must recognize that there are topics and decisions that need to remain private between you and he. You should not get into a black vs. white tug of war for your husband's loyalty. Don't set it up as such. Instead, see if he will sit down with you at length and map out decision areas and other topics that will remain shared only between he and you. Also, try to get him to map out activities and communications with his (other) family that you are to respect. In other words, negotiate it out. I'm assuming that he can be consistent if it's clearly mapped out. However, if you and he already have commitments that he's actually breaking because he's afraid of his family's disapproval, then you will need to confront him very very strongly. In the latter case, a mediator (such as a counselor) might be necessary. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Sunni from Detroit, Michigan:
Q: I'm considering divorce. Not because I want to, just because marital repair may be too far of a reach. In a nutshell: 1) My husband is an alcoholic x 18 years, 2) I caught him having an affair over a year ago (I was pregnant at the time). He rekindled the flame he had before we met. Says he pursued her & doesn't know why. Says he fell in love with her. And distressed for months after ending it because he missed her. 3) Different sexual drives--he will let 1-2 weeks go by before attempting to have sex with me, 3) His multiple lies and deception evolving around the affair, that's over (so he says), have left me with distrust and disrespect towards him. 4) I don't feel he desires me. I am 100 pounds overweight. He's only dated slender women before. However, I was about the same weight when he married me. Sex between us was fine, until after the affair. Now it's different. I've forgiven, but I can't forget. He says the affair is over, but he doesn't make sexual advances toward me like a 'normal man would'. What do you think is going on? Is he possibly still holding a torch for his old flame & continuing the affair? Does he not have the sexual desire for me? Is he caught up in his alcoholism? Is there any hope in saving this marriage? Why did he rekindle that relationship only 2 months after we got married, things (so, I thought, were going great? When they were in a relationship, she always said no to sex with him, but after we got married, she let him have her whenever he wanted, why is that?? Help me please...I'm hurting inside.
A: Sunni. I'm sorry but your prospects are not good. Your distrust in him sounds well-founded since you say that there were multiple lies and deception evolving around the affair. A person's integrity does not change quickly and, with active alcoholism, usually don't change at all. The loss of sexual desire after marriage is a common phenomenon and is unlikely to be a direct result your husband's alcoholism. It is more likely related to your evolving roles within the marriage. These changes may have resulted in his experiencing some loss of autonomy with less psychological separateness from you. We can't know for sure but that is the leading cause for such displacement of sexual interest. - Bryce Kaye
Clar from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida:
Q: I am ready to have a baby and my husband is not. We are both twenty-eight years old and he already has an eight year old son. I am so ready for a child that I don't know if our relationship will last if he can't open up to my needs. What should I do?
A: Clar. There's no magical answer for this one. You may need to remind him of any agreement that the two of you had when you got married. Was there an implicit agreement that your marriage would involve having children together? If so, you may need to hold him to it. If not now, then when? If the two of you had an agreement, then an indefinite "I don't know" shouldn't be accepted. Life is short and you won't be fertile forever. However, if there was no common vision when you married, you do not have a moral claim with which to confront him. Instead, you can only be honest about your agony and you should (privately) consider your option of a separation. Don't threaten him with separation but impress upon him that you do fear for the marriage if you are left without a child of your own. The decision about whether to risk for another marriage is an existential one. There's no right or wrong answer although most people in your circumstance seem to choose to stay in their current marriage. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Jennifer from Canada:
Q: Do you know anything about emotional dependency? Preferably in relationships out side of marriage!! I am not married so I need to know about this subject in terms of non-marital relationships! Thank you and God Bless.
A: Jennifer. I know a lot about emotional dependency. However, your question is too general. For example, did you know that all of us are emotionally dependent except for the psychopaths, schizophrenics, autistics, and a few other mentally ill types? I think you may be asking about being compulsively dependent. If so, you may be referring to the way that people try to use other people to act as surrogate parents when they haven't been lucky enough to have sufficiently developed mature personalities. When people unfortunately receive less than optimal parenting, they often don't develop the "internal parent" part of themselves that helps them to feel valuable and valid on their own. Without this piece of themselves fully developed, they need to supplement their sense of worth with the approval or nurturance of others. If this is the case for you, you may want to see a therapist of your own sex or check out the organization Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. - Bryce Kaye
Omshanti from Quezon city, Philippines:
Q: My husband and I have recently separated. He has moved out of our home. We have our differences and he has been living with a lie about his mistress. How long should I wait till I formally file for a divorce? Child custody is with me. Thanks & sincerely, Omshanti
A: Omshanti. Your first consideration should be your local laws. Get legal advice first. From the personal side, how long you should wait depends upon how you view your situation. If you want to wait to see if he will come back, then I'd suggest giving it no more than 6 months. I wouldn't waste too much of my life waiting on the slimmest chance that he will come around. In six months, most ambivalent men will have returned if they're going to do so. However, if you already know that you've had enough of this relationship, there may be no need to wait. It really depends upon what you want. - Bryce Kaye
Traci from Texas:
Q: My husband and I were married only 8 months ago and we are separated already. I love and cherish him deeply, however he has many issues that he will not confront or deal with which in returns creates frustration, anxieties, conflicts and even depression in our marriage. We have both made huge, rash mistakes during the final conflict. I have communicated to him that I am willing to do whatever it takes to resolve our problems and I do take responsibility for my (horrible) actions. The problem is however that the majority of our conflicts stem from his substance use. He was raised by an alcoholic family where divorce came easy (both parents married 3 times) and I fear that he will chose alcohol and drugs over me because it is easier to do this than to make sacrifices. The most toxic part of it all is the fact that I believe he resents my fortunate upbringing as compared to his alcoholic, drug dependant, abusive and dysfunctional upbringing. My question is this...although it has been two weeks and he states that he doesn't feel it will ever work out, what are my choices at this point. Do I wait for a change of heart, do I wait for him to mature, do I make the bigger steps and press the issue of therapy?...I feel as if he may need time to process all that has happened, but I don't want him to think that I have walked away. On the other hand, I don't want to be too pushy or even make my self too available to whereas he becomes more disgusted with me. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but how long does this plan hold?
A: Traci. I would suggest that you make your decision based upon the person he is now, not the person you hope he will become. I would also suggest that you let go of interpreting his possible resentments. He may or may not resent you for your fortunate upbringing but there are a lot of other ways that resentment can be configured. For example, he may resent that you think you know better than he what is going on inside his head. Be cautious with intrusive interpretations. They can be toxic to the other person.
I would suggest that you wait until he give you a clear sign of wanting to reinvest ....or.....you can choose to not wait and get on with your life. Whatever you do, don't wait until he "matures". - Bryce Kaye
Caroline from Fairfax, Virginia:
Q: My husband and I have been in a thirteen year long loving relationship, and have been married for nine years. Here is the problem:
When we first got together, I was just eighteen and I married him at 21. Prior to marriage we discussed our goals and expectations of our marriage. At that time I did not ever want to have children which was exactly how my husband felt. I was happy with the idea that it would be just the two of us. At about age 27 my feelings started to change. I am a teacher. Therefore, I have always loved children. I just never thought I would want to be a mother. Now, I am obsessed with wanting to have children. My husband still does not want to have children. I feel as if my life would somehow be incomplete and I would be full of regret if I never experience motherhood. I have tried discussing this with my husband and he cannot change his opinion. I feel like my life will be filled with regret if we don't have children.
My husband is a wonderful man, an excellent husband and a fantastic lover. I do not want to divorce him. I feel like he is my soul-mate. He thinks that this issue, if left unresolved will drive a major wedge between us. He feels like he will never be ready for fatherhood. He also feels (as I do) that we will wind up divorced if we cannot come to a mutual understanding. I do not want a divorce. -I love my husband wholely. What do I do? How do we come to closure on this? Can I learn to live with a decision not to have children? Have others experienced this problem? Help!!
A: Caroline. Yes, others have experienced this with very much the same agony as you. Unfortunately, there is no right or wrong outcome here. You have a right to change your mind and he has a right to remain with his original desire, consistent with your informal marital agreement. Neither side has the right to invalidate the desires of the other. However, the fallback position to no agreement is no child because it does take the two of you to create one.
You asked a very important question. Can you live with a decision to not have children? Of course you can! It would carry pain but so does a lot of other things in life. - And we learn to live with them. Personally, I hope that your husband changes his mind. But if he doesn't, you'll need to judge the prospect that you can jettison an unusually fulfilling relationship for the not too certain likelihood that you can raise a child with another. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Dennise from El Paso, Texas:
Q: Hi. My husband, 22, and I, 20, have been married for 14 months and have a 2 year old son. We have already been separated twice. We're originally from Texas and lived in New Mexico and both separations have resulted in my son and I returning home. I am currently living in Texas. The reason of our separations was a variety of things which include fighting over petty non-important issues which result in verbal abuse on both parts and pushing a shoving on his part. Before our son was born, my husband was very attentive and loving towards me and now it seems as if he could care less about my feelings. To him, I feel as if his priorities are, our son and himself in that order. I feel ugly, unwanted, and unloved. I know we love each other dearly but I don't know if our relationship can work. Our families know our situation, somewhat, and I'm just afraid of what they will say if we so reconcile. I'm attempting to get ourselves professional help but its difficult because we live in two different states. what do you think?!?? Thank You!
A: Dennise. I think that you need to follow through with professional help but only if you're going to live together. Flip a coin if you have to. I don't think you can do much for a relationship at long distance. If you do get back together, you will need to do a lot of planning to spend time together AWAY FROM THE CHILD. That may take grandparents so plan accordingly. - Bryce Kaye
TSB from Minneapolis, Minnesota:
Q: I have been married to a wonderful man for nearly 4 years. He is a great husband and father. We're having a problem which is beginning to drain the life from our marriage, however. Although we maintain an active sex life, he accesses internet pornography at least 1-3 times per week. I have confronted him gently, but he becomes angry/defensive/humiliated. He tells me that it is not a reflection on me and I just need to "get over it" because it's part of his sexuality. This is having a horrible affect on me. I feel so hollow. Totally unloved and unwanted. I feel like he just settled for me when the women of his dreams are those he sees on the porn sites. I feel inadequate.
I might throw in the towel if it were just us, but we have a young son to think about. How do I deal with this?
A: Dear TSB: Your question is a challenging one because even different professionals would give you different answers on this one. Your husband is right on one account. It is a part of his sexuality. However, the question is whether or not his sexuality has become compulsive. Noticing and being turned on by pornography is not necessarily pathological. It's not even necessarily breaking marital vows and fidelity. However, if your husband begins to invest a tremendous amount of energy into a secret fantasy sex life, it can become compulsive and reduce intimacy in the relationship. I'm not convinced your husband is at that point. He may be reacting to your insecurity and pressure on him. For example, your sense of being "totally unloved and unwanted" doesn't seem to match the situation. He obviously still pursues you sexually and you say that he's a great husband. Your fears may not be about what is really happening but what you fear will happen.
One thing you may ask him about is whether or not he's bringing his arousal back to you. Is he masturbating to this material or is he making you the beneficiary. Can he talk to you about his getting turned on? Some couples I know will both get turned on by pornography but will share the fantasies so that it's finally brought back into the relationship. That's not my own personal style but different couples will mutually configure their sexual boundaries in different ways. I don't know if this helps but it's the best I can offer. - Bryce Kaye
Cindy from Mass, NY:
Q: How can you improve communication in a relationship
A: Cindy, your question is like a Rorschach ink blot for marriage counselors. Hmmmmm. Let me see. How many tomes do I want to write? How about a short version. Both parties can increase self-awareness so that they have more experiential material to share. Both parties can decrease their shame so they won't have to experience pain when they communicate. Both parties can develop their healthy use of anger so that they have some defenses if they get attacked for what they communicate. Both parties can increase their invitations for communication and both parties can better strategize for when to approach the other in a more receptive emotional state. Each one of these deserves a tome. - Bryce Kaye
Anna from Las Vegas, Nevada:
Q: I'm torn between two people who I deeply care about. One is my ex-husband and the other is my current boyfriend. I live with my boyfriend and really want it to work- but at the same time I feel guilty about my ex waiting for me to come back to him when I shouldn't feel guilty at all- but I do anyways since I want to make both of them happy and I'm not happy by this. How do I choose what's right for me and them ? I just want it all to work out and I'm tired of pressing for answers to this dilemma of mine - I understand I am the only one to decide but it would really help to hear your opinion. Thank you for listening- Anna
A: Anna. You are too focused on managing the feelings in your ex from whom you've supposedly separated. You need to focus on responsible management of whichever relationship you're in. Your feelings of guilt are stoked by your misplaced sense of responsibility for your ex's happiness. Actually, it may be more humane to give him a hard edge at this point so that he can get on with grief and then the rest of his life (and you too). You may want to look at the possibility that your supposed kindness is a type of selfishness to maintain your comfort level. In this case, the more loving route may actually be one that has more initial pain but a later opportunity for quicker healing.
Nathan from "Greenville, S.C.:
Q: Hi, My wife and I have been married for over one year and have been together for almost three. I am 22 years old and my wife is 31. She has three children from a previous marriage. I have no children. We are both in the military and have been apart from each other except for the weekends here and there and on vacations. I have had some problems paying my bills on occasions and we have fought about money. But I think that that is the least of the problems. We have also argued about how to express our feelings to one another. I will admit that I am the quiet one in the relationship. It is hard for me to express anything that I feel, unless I am being pressured constantly about talking. Then when I do talk to my wife about how I feel about certain issues she thinks that I am being so rude to her about what I have to say. I try to be sensitive in wording my explanations. But they just come out too straight forward and harsh. How should I go about fixing this problem? The second issue is that my wife's ex-husband cheated on her and he was into drugs that's why she tells me that she got a divorce. We are almost 2,000 miles apart right now and when she calls me and I'm not there she is automatically assuming that I am out cheating on her. I have confronted her about this, I said "I am not your ex-husband and I am not cheating on you. If I was going to cheat on you then I would have never asked you to marry me." I have honestly not cheated or done anything to make her think I have. But I feel as though I am being compared to her ex. And I really don't like it. We will be together soon. I am leaving the Military and I was wondering if there was any advice that you could give? Thanks!!
A: Nathan. It's a good thing that you're getting out of the military. Since you have such difficulty communicating, you will need to be more physically present to help compensate. It will be hard keeping your relationship alive. I would suggest that you don't focus on the cheating thing. Don't argue about it. It's only a red flag that she doesn't feel important to you. That's the real issue. Your difficulty with intimacy will spill over into these other control issues. Focus on getting your shame levels down and increasing your language about feelings. You can do that by joining a therapy group when you get back home. Stay in it a year. It may cost but I has the potential for making a big improvement in your marriage. - Bryce Kaye
Lynn from Malvern, Arkansas:
Q: My husband of almost 19 years had an affair with my brothers wife 4 years ago. Because we have four children, I let him come home. I haven't been comfortable with him since. Now I believe he may be having another affair but he says he isn't. Up until a week ago he would go to this woman's house while her husband and I were at work. Granted, her adult kids were there but to me it was still wrong. Then she tells her daughter that she has a crush on my husband. She also told this to my son and hers. I told her husband about all this and what I suspect. He in turn told my husband that he was still welcome at his home but only when he is home. My husband became very angry at me and told me he wanted a divorce. I agreed but he won't leave the house and I can't afford to at this time. If all this were innocent I don't believe he would have made a point of going over there while we were both at work. He also stopped asking me to go with him to their house and would get mad if I went anyway. Does this sound like an affair to you?
A: Lynn. I don't know if it's an affair but it certainly could be one. It could also be that your husband may not be totally honest about some of the emotions that are at play even though sex has not technically occurred. In any case, it's not smart after all that has happened. I'm sorry you're in such a rotten predicament. - Bryce Kaye
Mary from Andover, Massachusetts:
Q: Hi, I have an ongoing problem between myself and my husband. He never seems to want to have sex, or have an intimate relationship with me. I love him very much and feel that there is a lack of physical expression of our love. This has made me feel hurt, ugly, and rejected. I have tried broaching the subject often over the past year and a half. Asking that we at least set aside 1/2 hour in a week to have some type of close intimate contact even if it doesn't lead to sex. This has not happened. It has been going on long enough now that I am at a loss. When I bring it up he withdraws, gets angry or upset and says he does not want to talk about it. He withdraws even farther. I am more upset because I know he has sexual desires. They just don't seem to relate to me. He looks at porn on the internet at least five times a week, but can't be bothered to look at me. It makes me feel as though I am repulsive or something. It is very hard for me because I do believe he loves me. He tries very hard in all other areas of our relationship. But, we just can't seem to work through this. I have an appointment to go to a counselor with him. But, that is a week and a half away. In the meantime I feel depressed, withdrawn, and unimportant. I don't want to start in again until I go to talk with the counselor with him. But, I can't stop dwelling on this problem. Any suggestions? Thanks.
A: Mary. You're on a good path. With something like this you need to confront your partner until you and he get some objective help. In the meantime, tell yourself that this is not about your sexuality or lovability. If he won't talk about it and if he's diverting into pornography, you have some indicators that he has a problem that he's mismanaging. Good luck.- Bryce Kaye
"C" from Florida:
Q: I have been married for 14 years and we have four children. Over the years my husband has gone from being addicted to video games to staying on the computer until 3 am in the morning. He barely speaks to the kids or me. Its computer in the morning when he gets up, work and then computer in the evening until 3am. What can I do? I have told him how sad it makes me and he does nothing about it to make me happy.
A: See if your husband will negotiate a schedule with you for when he will and will not be on the computer. If he won't negotiate when he will be available to his family, or if he's inconsistent with his committed schedule, then you will need to raise the confrontation level. Your point of confrontation would need to jointly see a professional counselor who is trained in compulsions. He may or may not have one but you want a good counselor there to call it just in case. Your husband may have some biological or personality issues that would naturally lead to social isolation but that would be a professional call. - Bryce Kaye
Margarita from Vineland, N.J.:
Q: I am 18 years old and my husband is 21. We've only been married for about 9 months and I already had two miscarriages. My husband has been acting kind of strange since my last miscarriage. Our sex life-(well I don't think it should even be called that anymore) has become almost non-existent. Our lives have become really boring. I've talked and talked and talked to him but nothing seems to be solved. He's always working and when we finally have minutes to spare he's too tired to do anything. I know I should be more understanding with him. It's just that things are tough right now and his attitude seems to make things more difficult. I feel like he ignores me most of the time. I know it sounds like he's probably cheating on me but I am positive this isn't the case. I love my husband dearly don't get me wrong and if it's anybody's fault of what's been happening it's mine. I just need creative ideas to bust things up. Any advice?
A: Margarita. From what you have presented, I would ask him what he feels about the miscarriages. You may or may not get useful information. You would also do best to see if he can't schedule weekly outings with you away from the house. That way, he might be able to muster up the energy for intimate communication when he knows it's coming in advance (and when the TV isn't around). - Bryce Kaye
Tina from Pensacola, Florida:
Q: ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR SIX YRS. I AM 25 AND HE IS 27. WE HAVE HAD OUR SHARE OF PROBLEMS. HE HAS LEFT A COUPLE OF TIMES, BUT WHEN HE COMES BACK THINGS ARE FINE FOR A WHILE, BUT THEN HE STOPS HELPING DO ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE, YARD WORK, TAKING OUT A BAG OF TRASH, ANYTHING. I WAS RAISED UP IN A HOME WHERE THINGS ARE 50/50. WE HAVE 2 KIDS AND WE WANTS ME TO STAY HOME WITH THEM, BUT EXPECTS ME TO DO EVERYTHING. HE NEVER SHOWS ANY KIND OF FEELINGS, OR LOVE. WE DON'T GO OUT ON DATES TOGETHER. IT'S LIKE HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE SEEN WITH ME. HOW CAN I GET HIM TO HELP ME OUT A LITTLE? I DO MY SHARE OF FUSSING ,BUT I DO EVERYTHING, EVEN TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS WHEN HE THINKS HE NEEDS A BREAK AND LEAVES US FOR A WEEK OR SO. I AM READY TO GIVE UP . I REALLY COULD USE YOUR ADVICE.
A: Tina. My advice for a lot of this is already written in the recommended intervention for the Delinquent Helper Syndrome. I suggest you check it out, and give up on the notion that you can make him into a "helper." - Bryce Kaye
Dave from Landing, N.J.: *
Q: Hello, I have been separated for 14 mo' now and I still don't understand my wife's way of thinking. To get to the point, she stopped having sex with me well before we were separated. She would get angry when I complimented her on her looks. She used to talk to other men (while i was in the house) and she swears she has never cheated on me. I've asked if she ever feels like getting intimate. She says no. I asked if she thinks other men want to date her to have sex. She also says no. More things have went on but I have no real proof for closure. This may be the answer though. She says she was raped at age 15, but she says she's gotten over it. Is it possible for her to have some sort of mental breakdown so far into our marriage?- or is she cheating on me? I would really like some suggestions to this problem to try to set my mind at ease. Thank you very much for reading this and I hope to hear from your comments. Sincerely, Dave.
A: Dave. I is unlikely that she is having any "mental breakdown" from that remote history of being raped. Sometimes that happens but it looks much different than what you describe. It's also very possible that this is not about an affair but about something else. If you both are still communicating with each other, I would suggest that you ask her the following: Did she feel that you were focused too much on sex while not being sufficiently interested in her thoughts and feelings? If she answers "yes", ask her to elaborate more without arguing with her. You might get some very useful information. - Bryce Kaye
Juan from Jackson, Mississippi:
Q: What should I do about my wife going out at night?
A: Juan. Probably nothing - except maybe to ask her if she'd like to go out with you sometime. Your question really doesn't provide much of a context for a more intelligent answer. Sorry. - Bryce Kaye
Anne from Mobile, Al.:
Q: My husband seems to be having issues of control over money & (perhaps?) sex. He has developed a technique of power plays that involve sabotaging the former and blaming me for the latter. I took your advice about negotiating needs. The need he says isn't getting met is for affectionate contact. This seems to me like too little a reason for the semi-nuclear problems we've had until now. Any thoughts?
A: Anne. I can't read his mind. However, I would suggest going back to him and asking him to come up with suggestions for how to plan and schedule situations (e.g. dating, walks, talking periods, etc.) that can help facilitate affectionate contact without promising sex. In other words, I'd hold him somewhat accountable for implementing something. There may be more going on here than either of us can know about but we can't do anything about what we don't know. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Kimberly from Chicago, Il.: *
Q: There is a big age difference between my husband and I. I am 30 and my husband is 53. Our problems revolve around several issues. One being, he likes to be home and rest. He sleeps a lot. I on the other hand like to go out and do things. I also have an 11 yr old daughter who I like doing things with. How can we work this out? Sex is also an issue. I am sexually active. I enjoy it a great deal. My husband has a problem with keeping it up. We tried Viagra. it gives him a severe headache. What do we do?
A: Kimberly. You compromise the best you can. What you describe may be natural consequences to a 23 year age difference. His energy level is going to naturally conflict with yours. The only other thing you can do is to plan activities together when you know his energy level is higher. For example, you may plan going out together on Saturday mornings and afternoons while leaving evenings for home. Regarding your husband's sexual problem, I have no suggestion. It sounds like he has appropriately sought medical help. The next step is his physician's call. Sorry. - Bryce Kaye
Beth from Palatka, Fl.: *
Q: I'm only 21 & my husband is 26. We've been married for a year & a half & are expecting our first son very soon. My husband ("George") is extremely unaffectionate, selfish, insensitive, etc... All he ever wants to do is be with his sleazy brother playing pool in dirty old bars & fishing. He never takes me anywhere, claiming we have no money but thinks nothing of blowing money on booze, pool games, & fishing boats. I've tried (& TRIED!!!) to discuss this with him every way possible but all he does is get mad saying nothing is wrong or calling me names. He's always accusing me of cheating on him although I have never given him any reason at ALL to think that. He's the one who's always out till 3 a.m. not me! I do love him but I'm going absolutely crazy because I just can't get through to him. I think about leaving him all the time, but I have no money & no where to go so I'm stuck! I don't know if he has another woman or what. Please DON'T tell me to try & talk to him because believe me, it doesn't work!!! Help Me!!!!!!!!!
A: Beth. It certainly sounds like you have an arrangement and not much of a relationship. I also don't hear any love in what you wrote, only frustrated dependence. If he doesn't want to pursue a real relationship with you then you're not going to build the relationship on your own. I know you have a big investment in the relationship now because of the pregnancy. However, would you be willing to live your whole life in this relationship the way it is? If not, then how long? I would suggest setting yourself a time limit for long you will wait to see if he will work with you (perhaps even going to marriage counseling together). I'm not talking about an ultimatum that you give him, I'm talking about a time-frame that you keep to yourself. YOU are the one who needs to save the rest of your life. - Bryce Kaye
Elaine from Santa Monica, California: *
Q: I have been with my husband for 11 years (married for six of them). We have a 2 year-old son who we both love very much. However, it seems that the relationship between my husband and myself has been on a downward spiral since our son was born. What was once small disagreements and tiffs have become more and more. These are sometimes regarding our son but more often than not they are about general things, usually quite trivial. He says I moan at him all the time, which I don't dispute. He says that I will never change. Three months ago it came to a head and he told me it was over between us. He moved into our son's bedroom and has slept there every since. He said he was leaving, although he has not made any attempt to do so as yet. I don't want to lose my husband and believe that our marriage can work, but I need him to work at it with me and not turn his back on it. I guess what I'm looking for is a way to get through to him that the life we have together, with our son, is not a bad one. We just need to iron out a few things. We are both British and although I am open to counseling my husband definitely is not. Please help me get my husband back.
A: Elaine. I strongly suggest that you try to start up a dialogue with him about what he misses in the relationship. Try to avoid putting him down for being impractical or for not shouldering his share. It's may well be that since your son came on the scene, he may be missing some of the emotional exchanges you and he used to have when it was just the two of you. It may not actually be your "moaning" that is the most crucial factor but rather the absence of fun. See if you can get him to reminisce with you. If you can, the use that at a springboard for working to restore what was lost. Hope this helps. - Bryce Kaye
Gemma from Melbourne, Australia: *
Q: I guess it started when after a year, I fell in love with another man on ICQ. I have been married 12 years, where I thought I was happy... Anyway this guy that I fell in love with is also married and lives o/seas. There is no future in the relationship but now am finding myself very unhappy with what I have. I have sought other men and have been intimate with them. It means nothing really, just an ego boost I think. I do think my husband is a great father and husband... just I don't love him anymore and wondering what I should do. We have two young children 10 and 8, but want to know if I can find the love back or would I be happier by myself. We are planned to move to see if that might help our situation, closer into town, more neighbors and more things for me to do.. I am so lonely and depressed lately I m not sure what to do.. Any comments will help.. Thank you.
A: Gemma. It sounds as if you are acting out your emptiness in desperate ways. I believe you when you say that that you don't love your husband right now. I also believe that you don't know how to resolve your loneliness. Emotional intimacy is probably missing between you and your husband and it is probably not just his responsibility. Since you're taking risks outside the relationship, why not take more risks within the relationship? You could start by sharing your sense of desperation and loneliness. You could talk about how you feel about yourself, the direction of your life, and what you feel you need from a life companion in the future. You might as well shake things up in a constructive way because your recent behavior indicates that you will otherwise probably be blowing up the relationship through more destructive means.. Also, please consider the radical idea of marriage counseling. - Bryce Kaye
Dakota from Seattle, Wa.: *
Q: We have been together 4 yrs and married for 1 1/2. My inner feeling is really messed up. I feel I'm angry and with fear ... I don't know why. I have problems trusting my husband, lack of sex interest, everything ... I wondered why? I feel like I have anxiety that I worry about failing our marriage because of those feelings I have. My husband is just wonderful. I just want this mistrust feeling go away but I don't know why its staying with me. You know? Maybe you can help me. Thanks.
A: Dear Dakota, no I'm afraid I don't know. I would suspect that you may have old emotional injuries that are buried in memory and are now being activated by your dependent role in he marriage. If so, you will not be able to resolve them by yourself one because painful memories are often buried in a different memory system that our usual verbal memory. I would suggest that you might want to find a certified EMDR therapist in your area who can help you with these old feelings. EMDR therapy can make very dramatic improvements in how a person feels and I have had a lot of success using it for the kind of baseless mistrust that you describe. You can go to the international organization www.emdria.org to find out more about this very effective form of therapy. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Janie from Utah: *
Q: My sister and her husband live in another state, and we rarely see each other but maybe once every two years. After finding out that we both have internet access, we began exchanging e-mails rather than running up our phone bills. The problem is, my brother-in-law has also been e-mailing me behind her back, telling me that since he has known me, he has been infatuated with me. My sister has been married to this man for almost ten years, they have three wonderful children, and seem like the perfect family. But he tells me otherwise- that they aren't "in love" anymore, that they have both had affairs, etc. After talking online with him for a few weeks, it seems like the only thing he wants to talk about is how much he adores me, how much he is looking forward to seeing me again, etc. He has even phoned me on a few occasions, saying that he just wanted to hear my voice. I know that if I'm feeling uncomfortable with the situation, I should just tell him, and he'd probably stop. The worse problem is that I have also been attracted to him from the day we met, and I feel myself feeling more for him every day. My sister and her family are coming in to visit me this summer, and I am afraid not only that I will not be able to act "normally" around him, but that something may happen between us, even though I KNOW that it is wrong. Oh, did I also mention that I am also married and have two children? This is a serious problem, I know, but I am very confused as to what I want. I know that having an affair with my brother-in-law would not only destroy my marriage and my sister's, but it would destroy my entire family. So, why can't I just let this go? I know it's wrong, but I'm not sure how to tell my heart that. Can you help?
A: Janie. You can start by telling your heart that your love is more of an infatuation about your being desired and pursued than it is about appreciating any integrity and virtue in your sister's husband. Here he is, deceiving your sister after admitting that he has had other affairs. What does this say about the inherent quality of his character? How much are you willing to sacrifice in order to be adored? What do you really think is the basis of your loving and what do you want it to be? - Bryce Kaye
C.B. from Weaver, Alabama: *
Q: ME AND MY WIFE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 12.5 YEARS. WE HAVE ONE BOY AND ONE GIRL. WE GOT MARRIED AT A VERY YOUNG AGE. SO IN THE BEGINNING I DID NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH HER AND SHOW HER THE LOVE SHE NEEDED. SO SHE STARTED SEEING SOMEONE ELSE. SHE HAD A VERY SHORT AFFAIR. THIS HAPPENED IN 1990 BUT I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS UNTIL 1996 WHEN SHE TOLD ME ABOUT IT. I HAVE GOT PAST THAT SOMEWHAT. IT STILL BOTHERS ME SOMETIMES. I LOVE HER SO MUCH BUT IM HAVING A REAL TOUGH TIME TRUSTING HER EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS NOT GIVEN ME ANY REASON NOT TO TRUST HER AND ITS TEARING US APART. WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO TO GET PAST ALL THIS ?
A: C.B. I would suggest that you focus on deepening the emotional intimacy in your marriage. You do this by learning to listen every more carefully to how she feels and you ask her questions and get her to expand upon what she says. You will have more trust if you know a great deal about her passions and how she views the world . Time alone does not restore trust. However, if you know that your wife shares with you her most heartfelt emotions, then you are likely to have alot of trust.. If you have to evaluate your wife from the outside from her behavior alone, then trust will be hard to build. - Bryce Kaye
Paige from Newelton, La.: *
Q: I have been married for seven years, and my husband decides he does not know if he loves me anymore or even if he loved me ever. What do I do.... let him take the time and make up his mind? This has been going on for three weeks now. I don't know if I can sit and wonder any longer.
A: Paige. What a painful place in which to be. I'm sorry....but yes, it would be best to let him have some distance. You may negotiate with him that, for the time being, you will be interacting with him less because it is painful to be around his indecision. You may also let him know that, while you will back off some to let him work on his confusion, you will also not put your life on hold forever. Whatever you do, I strongly suggest that you do not give him an ultimatum for making his decisions. If he drags on, you may need to PRIVATELY decide when your absolute time limit is reached (for staying in the marriage). Do not give him a timeframe for making his decision. Give yourself the timeframe instead. The reason I suggest all of this is that he's already confused. He doesn't need to be reacting to any control issue with you to further complicate his confusion. You may also gently offer that you are willing to go to a marriage therapist with him, if and when he feels ready. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Donna from Texas: *
Q: I have reason to believe that my husband is gay/bisexual but he denies it. What can I do to find out for sure?
A: Donna. Be careful here. Don't assume that just because your husband has gay interests that he isn't interested in you or can't maintain a relationship with you. Many people have sexual interests for both sexes. You could try talking with him directly. However, if you have reason to believe that he has lied to you about his sexual behavior, then I suggest that you treat THAT as the more important issue anyway. It may be possible that he has some sexual compulsions or he may have a problem with telling the truth. I can't tell from here but I would suggest that you try the direct talking route first. - Bryce Kaye
Lynn from Indiana: *
Q: My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. We have had a lot of problems in those 2 years and he has moved out twice. The first time was because we were fighting constantly and I have to admit, I was being very difficult to get along with because I was also miserable. But when he actually left, I was also miserable as was he and we got back together with promises of going to counseling, but we didn't go. The last time he left was just 2 months ago. I found out that he had gotten a credit card and maxed it out behind my back. We have debt problems anyway and were trying to get out from under them when this happened. I was very upset that he lied to me and instead of working it out, he left me again. After about 4 days, he called saying he was miserable and wanted to get back together but he wanted to go to individual counseling first to get his head straightened out. Eventually he moved back in and we've been getting along pretty good although neither one of us has been to counseling in about a month. The problem is my insecurity. I'm so scared that he'll leave and hurt me again, that I'm not allowing myself to relax and enjoy our life. I'm very anxious all of the time and constantly worrying that he's not happy and is going to leave. I look for signs that he' cheating on me, even though that has never been a problem. I tend to say hurtful things to him because I figure if I don't allow myself to get too close, it won't hurt the next time he leaves. I feel like I'm heading toward a nervous breakdown. I've been diagnosed with an ulcer and am having problems sleeping because I lie there and wonder if he really loves me. What can I do to relax and not worry about this? What can I do to just enjoy life and believe he's not going to leave again?
A: Lynn. It's unrealistic for you to have that much trust right now. You are going to have to see him consistent over a much longer period of time before you rebuild trust. He's been too inconsistent in the recent past for you to rule out the possibility that he'll leave. Also, he's probably too anxious and mixed up, from the sound of it, to have such delicate feelings as love. He may feel more dependence and anxiety but not the more delicate feelings. Your better bet would be to let him know that your anxiety is getting in the way of your being as relaxed and pleasant as you'd like to be. However, be sure to let him know that HE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE for getting you less anxious. Both you and he need to accept that your nerves will be frayed for awhile. Meanwhile, you can ask him if you can periodically visit with him in therapy just to check in and help reduce your anxiety. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Dora from Lafayette, Pa.: *
Q: All of last year my husband seemed undecided as to whether he wanted to remain married or not. First he asked for a divorce then he recanted. Then he decided that the relationship was not going to survive. Then he promised to make a firm decision and then asked for more time to find himself. I do not know where this uncertainty is coming from and even though our marriage did have some problems, I did not think they were serious enough to warrant our splitting up. It seemed that I was the only one who was having problems with communication within the marriage so it came as quite a shock when he voiced his unhappiness. We have been married for over 20 years and I am very much in love with my husband. I am trying to save my marriage while at the same time trying to adjust to my husband's revelations about his feeling. Please let me know what I can do to save this marriage.
A: Dora. I'm sorry but I'm not going to be of much use in this one. Your husband's ambivalence is not decipherable from my crow's nest up here. I would suggest that you get assertive in the form of negotiating for some ongoing marital therapy so that you don't get jerked around so much. It doesn't sound like your husband is being completely open to you about what scares or hurts him in the relationship. Maybe he needs a third party as a translator, both to you and to himself. - Bryce Kaye
Meg from Denver Co.: *
Q: My husband and I have been married for 1.5 yrs (in a relationship for 3.5 yrs.) From the beginning, I knew he was an alcoholic with a violent temper, but felt sure that we would overcome those problems. After we married, a terrible fight ensued one night, and I ended up calling the police because I was finally in fear for my safety. My husband cannot forgive me for this incident. He has not had a drink since that night (over a year now) and I believe he won't ever drink again. His temper, however, has not improved. He is no longer violent, but extremely expressive with his anger. I know anger can be a form of masking fear or pain, but how long is it okay for him to express such angry, hateful feelings toward me? He refuses to believe that I was asking for help that night I called the police. I wanted nothing bad to happen to him, and nothing has. Our relationship has deteriorated horrendously in the months since this altercation. He says it's not just that incident that has made him feel this way about me and in his worst moments of anger he says he made a mistake in marrying me. In his good moments, he loves me and wants to make love to me, and says all sorts of "normal" relationshipy things. He tells me he doesn't want to "work" at our marriage. That work is for his job, (he's a counselor of all things) and not for his home. He also repeatedly asks me how long is long enough to work on our relationship. I always reply "forever" because this is how I view a marriage--as a lifetime commitment. Apparently, he does not feel that same way and because things are hard, he wants to leave. But we just have gotten started....1 and 1/2 years seems like such a short time in the grand scheme of things to give up so soon. I love him dearly and want to be with him forever, but with his anger and negativity, I'm finding it increasingly more and more difficult to stay positive about things. I don't want to throw in the towel, but is there any way I can make him understand that all relationships, even good ones, take work? Is it time to give up on him?
A: Meg. There is never a clear answer to your last question. It is always an existential question of how much you are willing to gamble (and potentially lose) and how much you value lost time (from your life). From a statistical standpoint, your husband's odds are not good. His attitude towards recovery and growth does not sound enlightened. The odds are extremely remote that you or anyone can convince him to become an open person who is willing to explore the fear or shame that drives his anger. That kind of conversion usually occurs when life forces us into a corner and we finally "bottom". Sorry. - Bryce Kaye
Bianca from Marysville, Ca.: *
Q: I'm 21 and My husband is 24. We've been married less than a year. He's military & while he was based in Saudi Arabia (for three months), I got drunk & let a man give me a massage, which turned into him pleasuring me manually, nothing more. I was honest & told my husband the very next time we talked. He was crushed. We talked it out and he forgave me, so I thought and returned home 2 weeks later. It's now been six months & he's still punishing me. He doesn't trust me at all. He's controlling, and extremely jealous of any male I interact with. What hurts most is he's emotionally cold, gives me no affection, & has lost interest in sex. I hate to belittle my wrong doing, but it was only once and we didn't have sex. He treats me like I had an ongoing affair. His last serious girlfriend cheated on him, so I feel all this behavior is linked to how much I hurt him, & his fear of it happening again. Also, he regards himself as a real "tough" "cool" "macho" man, so I've hurt his image. I love him deeply, I know we both want to save our marriage, but what can we do? I feel like I'm the only one trying, I communicate my needs, I need to get him over this. Help?
A: Bianca. Part of the trouble is that your husband may have felt violated and victimized. For a macho man, this may feel a bit like being raped and can be quite a blow to the ego. If this was the only instance, I would suggest that you try to talk to him about what you learned about your own loss of control. You should have learned that alcohol is a terrible dis-inhibitor and can get you into trouble, especially in situations where your hungry and tempted. I would suggest that you not trouble him with asking for his forgiveness over and over. He's entitled to have his hurt feelings. You may try an unexpected move by suggesting to him that you accept that he may have hurt feelings for a good while. Then you can tell him what you will do differently on your end in the future (including how you handle alcohol). - Bryce Kaye
Deb from Texarkana, Texas: *
Q: I recorded my husband's telephone calls and found out he was cheating. I asked him to be honest and tell me how long he has had an affair and he said 1 year. Sex, dating and gifts were included in this affair. He tells me that it is over but some days he acts as if he is cheating again. How can I tell if he is going to be sincere?
A: Deb. There's no science in knowing for sure. However, if there's even a continuation of even mild lying, he's probably going to be cheating again on a larger scale, in the present or the future. If he is very forthcoming about his feelings involved in the affair and allows you to ask questions, that's a good sign but, again, there's no guarantee. - Bryce Kaye
Marie from Pensacola, Fl.: *
Q: My husband and I ceased to have sex while I was pregnant. (It was a nasty, uncomfortable pregnancy, unplanned, with a great deal of fighting.) We fought about it for over a year after the baby was born - I worked full-time, parented full-time, and if I had a choice between sex and sleep, sleep would win every time. My husband told me I had a problem and it was up to me to fix it. I got lots of advice, from a counselor as well as other parents, and eventually settled on the "just do it" methodology, which worked a couple of times. Now the shoe is on the other foot, and he won't sleep with me. I asked him why not long ago, I told him that I felt like this might be motivated by spite - he started a huge argument where he made a number of ultimatums about my not quitting my job, my not home-schooling our child, etc., but he never actually answered the question. He has back-pedaled on the point of the argument, saying that it was only about allowing him the resources to go back to school. Any suggestion for what I should try next?
A: Marie. It sounds as if you have some unsettled business. If he's giving you ultimatums, he's involved in a power struggle with you. Forget about focusing on sex while this is played out - and don't injure yourself again by the "just do it" methodology unless you really do want it. In the meantime, see if you can get him (and yourself) to write down what you both want from each other so you can begin to negotiate out in the open. - Bryce Kaye
Laurie from Utah: *
Q: My husband and I have been married for 16 years. I am not happy with our sex life - we have sex no more than 2 or 3 times a year and have gone as long as 2+ years without it at all. In addition, there is no kissing, hugging or affectionate touching of any kind.
I have asked him many times about this and have many answers. (You snore) - so I went to the doctor, (I don't want you to get pregnant) - I have been on birth control for more than 16 years, (You go to bed too early) - so I stay up late with him, (I am attracted to your mind more than your body) - I am considered pretty, not overweight, and can't understand why he would rather go without, even if he is not 'passionate' about me. With each answer, I have made every effort to address the situation, but still no affection/sex. I know he is not having an affair. In all other aspects, he is an ideal husband.
I have started sleeping on the couch. If I sleep with him, and he does not approach or touch me, it is very upsetting and I cry. He tells me he wants to have sex, but then does nothing about it. By sleeping on the couch, it seems like I am dropping my 1% chance to 0%, but it seems better than the constant disappointment. Please do not suggest that I become the initiator. I have done that plenty of times, and it seems to just reinforce that he NEVER 'wants' me. Do you have any advice for me?
Q: Laurie. I would suggest first things first. From the information you've provided, I certainly can't rule out that there may be a physiological problem involved such as testosterone level. I would suggest that a physiological checkup be considered. It sounds as if he will be extremely defensive or reactive but on this one I would suggest that you hang tough. It's all right to confront him very strongly because he's not managing the issue responsibly. So, it would be best to 1) confront him to get a physical exam of testosterone levels and 2) confront him to go to a sex therapist with you. He sounds too defensive to try to do this without more professional help. The confrontation would be hard but I think it's your only way to a constructive solution. - Bryce Kaye
Christy from Albertville, Al.: *
Q: My husband and I have been married for 11 years. His job requires him to be out of town a lot. I feel that our time apart from each other has made us grow apart from one another. I get very lonesome when he is gone. He mostly works on the weekends. So, while all my married friends are going places and doing things with their spouses, I am stuck at home. I recently met someone over the internet. We have seen each other and have been intimate. I have told my husband. He is so hurt, but wants me to stay. But I don't feel like I can. I feel that we are so distant. I don't know if I can ever make love to my husband again. I don't feel that it is right for him or me. It will never be the same. The man that I am seeing doesn't want to see me anymore until I am divorced. I don't know what to do. Do I throw 11 years of marriage out the door? Even though I don't feel the same towards my husband or do I stay and be miserable? I need help. Christy
A: Christy. The choice is yours to make, not mine. However, I would say that your ability to evaluate your feelings in your current triangle are hopelessly muddied by your relationship with the third party. It is entirely possible that your feelings toward your husband could change for the positive over time if your husband worked with you AND if you eliminated the other relationship ABSOLUTELY.
It also sounds as if you let yourself get very underpowered within the relationship with your husband. How is it that you stuck yourself at home, unlike your friends, just because your spouse was gone on the weekends? I'm not saying that a relatively absent spouse is a good situation. What I'm saying is that you paint a picture of yourself as having been demobilized at home more than was necessary.
If you had been out and about doing creative things in your husband's absence, you may still have come to the conclusion that it all wasn't working. My own preference for handling that type of situation is to take anger and direct it within the relationship, not act it out by violating marital sexual boundaries. When a spouse is terribly absent, it's a good idea to grab them by the lapels (figuratively speaking), give them a good shake, and tell them to wake up and work with you before you have to seek a divorce and get out of Dodge.
In your current situation, you're also not in a good position to start a relationship with a new partner. This is obviously true because you haven't left your husband and some the dynamic of your relationships sounds like your loneliness. Christy, whatever you do, do it cleanly. You need to be un-distracted by any third party whenever you work on a relationship. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Charlene from Kansas: *
Q: My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Within that three years he has kissed another woman, asked a man to sleep with him, and recently I found out that he was wearing women's underwear. I know this sounds like it is straight off the Jerry Springer show but this unfortunately is very real. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I think he is just a weak willed person who thinks the path to being gay is just too hard and that staying married to me is easier. He wants to go to counseling and is making an appointment this week. I guess my question is, is this really worth it? Should I just give up? I could fight it if it was another woman, but I just don't have the right equipment to fight another man. I love my husband and I know he loves me. But I am thinking he doesn't know what true romantic love is and is mistaking love for a best friend for the marriage love. Could I be right? Help me please, I don't know what to do with all this.
A: Charlene. You ask an existential question about whether the relationship is worth the gamble and the time. No one should answer that for you but you yourself. However, there are some critical mistakes you are making that can be corrected if you look at them closely.
First, you are misconstruing your responsible. If you consider it your fight with another man, then you've accepted that you need to control his emotion. DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF! The fight is his not yours. He must fight his internal fears, shame, and ambivalence to understand the truth about himself. Either he will pursue truth or he won't (by merely trying to placate you). If you take on a "fight" for his passion, you set yourself up for shame because you do not have control in this situation.
Second, it sounds as if you do not understand the nature of compulsion. This may or may not be about being gay. Even with homosexual feelings, many people also have heterosexual feelings as well and can manage a relationship with the opposite sex. The more important issue is that your husband has exhibited a compulsion by acting in an inconsistent manner with his marital commitment. This probably has nothing to do with whether or not he loves you just as an alcoholic's drinking has nothing to do with whether or not he/she loves their spouse. You may want to learn more about sexual addiction. You can go the the LINKS page on this website and click onto the SAA website. - Bryce Kaye
Brenda from Salt Lake, Utah: *
Q: MY SPOUSE HAS BEEN GETTING INCREASINGLY ANGRY/ANXIOUS DUE TO WORKING TWO JOBS. I WORK 2 AS WELL, BUT I AM CONTENT WITH THEM--I ENJOY MY WORK. FOR THE PAST 2 WEEKS, HE'S BEEN SO MISERABLE--PROBLEMS SLEEPING/IRRITABLE/ AGITATED ALWAYS. HE DON'T EVEN HAVE FUN GOLFING. HE SAYS HE CAN'T CALM DOWN. IS IT A PROBLEM TO EXPECT YOUR SPOUSE TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIMSELF (MAKE A CHANGE) WHEN HIS ANGER/ANXIOUSNESS IS NOT ONLY AFFECTING HIM BUT YOU AS WELL? PEOPLE SAY YOU CAN'T EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE, BUT IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES ON HOW I WANT TO LIVE? I'VE ASKED HIM TO RE-EVALUATE HIS LIFE/JOBS AND HOW HE'S MANAGING COPING WITH THE STRESS. I ENCOURAGED HIM TO SHAKE UP HIS LIFE IN ORDER TO CHANGE SOMETHING--BECAUSE THE WAY HE IS NOW IS NOT WORKING FOR HIM AND CAUSING HIM PHYSICAL AS WELL AS PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN? HE'S DECIDED TO QUIT HIS PART-TIME JOB AT NIGHT IN ORDER TO REGULATE SLEEP AND HOPEFULLY BE LESS ANXIOUS. I THINK WE CAN DEAL WITH THIS AND MAKE FINANCIAL CHANGES AS NEEDED. BUT, WAS IT WRONG FOR ME TO ASK HIM TO CHANGE?
A: Absolutely not, Brenda. The reason is because you "asked" him to change a SITUATION that was affecting both of you. It sounds like you confronted him but also respected that he had a choice. You were not telling him to change his personality, change his friends, change his values, etc. - Bryce Kaye
T.R. from Flowery Branch, Georgia: *
Q: My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and he has been working 2 full time jobs for the last 4 yrs by his choice. I also work a full time job. We have 2 children, and he recently told me that I could have the house and the car that I drive, that he wanted out of our marriage to start his life over. He is almost 40 and I am 31. I love him very much, and when I tell him that I love him he replies with whatever, and that really hurts. I told him the other night that I loved him. This was the night that he told me that he wanted a divorce and he told me that I loved the material things that I had, and I told him no, that I loved him. I need to know what I can do to make things better, any advice that I can get would be greatly appreciated.
A: Dear T.R., there may be nothing you can do if he has stopped listening. He may be emotionally out of the marriage and if so, then there's nothing you can do. However, if he isn't, I'd be more curious about what he has been needing to feel loved that he hasn't been receiving. I would suggest that you stop trying to persuade him about your feelings and and get real curious about knowing more and more about what he has been missing. If he will communicate, it will be hard to hear without arguing. However, you may learn a lot more and your intent listening may be the most powerful form of interaction you can offer. Even so, it will depend upon whether he is truly still in the emotional relationship. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Brandy from Alexandria, La.: *
Q: I PRESENTLY HOLD A MASTERS IN COUNSELING AND I AM WORKING TOWARDS LICENSURE. AFTER ALL THESE COURSES AND EXPERIENCE, I TOO, HAVE MADE POOR CHOICES FOR MATES. I "FELL IN LOVE" WITH WHAT I THOUGHT MY IDEAL MATE WAS---WHERE DID I GET THAT? WHO KNOWS--FOR 8 YEARS I TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK TO NO AVAIL--FINALLY I SOUGHT COUNSELING AND HAD THE COURAGE TO "LET GO".. WE'RE STILL FRIENDS. I HAVE MET SOMEONE NEW WHO WORSHIPS ME--WE ARE NOW 3 YRS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP AND ENGAGED. THE MARRIAGE IS IN 6 MONTHS AND THIS OLD "BAD" INNER VOICE OF MINE KEEPS SAYING "BUT, WHEN DO YOU FALL IN LOVE"--IT DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME---NO UPS AND DOWNS---MY HEAD KNOWS THAT'S BETTER--BUT MY HEART IS CONFUSED. I READ THE ARTICLE ON BUILDING LOVE OFF RESPECT------THAT TOO IS QUESTIONABLE. LIKE I SAID. I HAVE A MASTERS AND HE DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE--NOT THAT COLLEGE IS EVERYTHING. I WANT TO RESPECT HIM, BUT I'M HAVING A PROBLEM DOING THAT WHEN HE JUST WANTS TO PLAY GOLF--AND COMPLAINS ABOUT HIS $9/HR JOB--BUT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING TO GET A BETTER ONE, (IE.-GO TO SCHOOL). PLEASE HELP.
A: Brandy. It sounds like you may be having difficulty respecting him but respect isn't the only dimension. You may also have difficulty in the long run if you crave stimulation and he's not going to give it to you. If you have an appetite for intellectual stimulation, adventuring, etc. and that's not his forte, then it might not be a good match. It sounds like you want him to change. That doesn't mean that there's anything necessarily wrong with the way he is. Like I said before, it may not be a good match. But if you can't respect his values and interests, then that's a big problem. I would suggest that you need to get yourself to the point that you can accept him for the way he is before you hitch up for the long term. It's very dangerous (and perhaps dishonest) to commit to a long term relationship expecting to change that person. - Bryce Kaye
Clara from Newport: *
Q: How do I tell my husband that I'm not attracted to him sexually?
A: Clara. One way to NOT tell him is to dump it in his lap by blurting it out as if it's his problem to fix. You have many ways that you can possibly tell him, not just one. - But the way that I like is to present it as: a) a joint problem in the relationship; b) a problem that you're dedicated to trying to resolve; c) a problem that is not necessarily his but may be yours; and d) a problem that may not be about his sexuality at all but perhaps a result of some emotional dynamics between the two of you that need to be worked out. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Worried in Lexington, KY: *
Q: My husband and I have been married a little over two years and we have a 6 month old little girl. When I was about 6 months pregnant he joined the Army he said that he wanted to make it better for our child and us, but now we are having problems. First we are separated due to training and now we have money problems. Sometimes I don't hear from him in weeks. When he was in basic he wrote everyday and now its like he has forgotten. He says that he doesn't want a divorce but he tells me that I need one to be happy. I am on the edge. He doesn't want out of the Army but he wants us to be together. What should I do?
A: Dear "Worried", I don't know. Life can be very rough sometimes and I don't know all that he must manage in his situation. You have choices, some of them very difficult ones. For example, one option is to pick up work yourself if you haven't already. That leaves you with childcare problems but then there may be resources such as extended family. It's very hard to work on a relationship with someone who isn't there. Is there a predictable point in time when you and he will be back together? If so, you may choose to just tough it out until you can have a relationship again. Sorry but I don't have any easy answers here. - Bryce Kaye
Buddy from Milwaukee, Wisconsin: *
Q: I love my wife but she is driving me crazy. She went to California to be with my mom who is very sick. When she returned-i found a bunch of phone charges to a man i don't know .When i asked her about this she said it was none of my business-eventually she told me it was a FRIEND through the internet. My first instinct was to assume she had an affair. She lied to me about other calls she made. She eventually told me she was trying to patch up a relationship between him and another one of her net friends. She plays cards and chats with these people till late at night. I go to bed alone almost every night. I know i am overprotective but she feels its not my business. Most are men she plays with and that bothers me. I don't get any sex at home -she says she doesn't like it. I am starting to think she does not love me anymore and rarely says nice things to me. I think at one time she was going to leave me for one of her friends. I want her to love me and tell me and not hide stuff from me-be honest. Any suggestions-Thanks.
A: Buddy, it takes two people working on a relationship with consistent honesty. You make your wife sound both dishonest with you as well as avoidant. My suggestion is that you will likely need marital counseling from what you have told me. It doesn't sound like you will be able to get enough engaged effort from her unless there's an objective professional third party who can more effectively confront and reflect the truth for both you and she. Sorry - Bryce Kaye.
Chris from Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK: *
Q: My wife and I have been married 3 1/2 years. When I first met her I cannot say that I was sexually attracted to her to the extent I had been to previous girlfriends but she was a very loving and caring person and I knew she would always be there for me. I somehow hoped that the caring side of the relationship would win out and maybe sexual attraction would not prove to be an issue. However as the years have gone by I have found myself more and more dissatisfied with our sex life - we do make love 2 or 3 times a week but I have very little interest in it and do it more because I know it curbs her anxieties about how I feel about her. January of this year I decided I couldn't cope with it any more and we agreed to split up. Within a few days I met a woman whom I was very attracted to and we started sleeping together. I had forgotten how wonderful sex could be and talked about settling down with this woman. Not many weeks passed when I realized how much I missed the easy-going, loving, supportive relationship I had with my wife. I broke off the relationship with the new woman and asked my wife if we could try again which she agreed to. I know we need to find a solution to generating a bit of spark and sexual attraction in our relationship to make it work. Somehow she is just "not my type" although most people agree she is very pretty. I feel sure because of the love we have for each other and our desire to make it work that we can find a way to develop this attraction. Any help gratefully received.
A: Chris, you will probably need to get a lot more inventive with you wife to spice things up. Perhaps you both can explore erotic literature to get some new ideas to try out. However, one thing you said is a real killer (of passion). It sounds like you have fallen into a role of managing your wife's anxiety by placating her with sex. You've crossed the sexual "wire" with the responsibility "wire". That's a big-time problem because it shorts out passion. Somehow, you need to disengage yourself from having to reassure her. Get sex back into the fun realm and refuse to manage her emotions for her. She needs to be a big girl so that she doesn't even need to have you constantly loving her or reassuring her. - Bryce Kaye
Dawn from Westminster, Ca.: *
Q: My best buddy, and family member (brother-in-law) is going thru the most difficult time of his life. His marriage is up in the air, his life is living out side the family and so on. The marriage has been for 5 years and 2 children belong to the previous marriage/divorce. And the 2 smallest children under the age of 5 years old, are his.
He and his wife work alternate hours of each other, one works the morning shift and the other works graveyard shift. It is like two ships in the night that constantly pass each other without comment. The father works mornings and is the babysitter and evening cook. The wife works part-time graveyard shift and seems to do less and less in regards to the children's needs. They both argue constantly about everything and anything. At this point she now has drawn lines within the marriage. She now told the husband to leave and reside outside the family home.
It has been 6 weeks since the father has been staying with us. He constantly has great hope, great outlook, and still smiles occasionally. He has been sleeping, and living with us in our home, as crazy as it may be too, I am sure he wants to go home soon.
BUT in the mist of all the bull---, she has told him, that she had an affair on the side of their marriage. He now has continuous doubts of everything she does. She has not answered any questions or given up any names! The husband is totally left in the dark!!
What advise can I offer this guy besides the clear one: Of getting help counseling and/or therapy of some type?
Please he is going to read this information, and only he needs to know, I can only tell him time-and-time again. To get professional help of some type...
Thank you for your ear, Dawn .
A: Dawn, I actually wasn't thinking about marital counseling or therapy because you describe the wife as breaching good faith in the marriage. The first thing that came to mind was a good lawyer. If the wife changes her mind about working on the relationship, then a marriage counselor can be considered. I would suggest that you ask your brother in law how long he will put his life on hold for someone who isn't willing to work with him. You can ask him if he has set a date when he will choose to stop waiting. I say this because there is never a definite point when there's no hope. Some people assume that as long as there's the smallest bit of hope, they will wait to see if the other person changes. Unfortunately, that's a prescription for wasting your most precious resource: your time. - and time is life! - Bryce Kaye
Cecilia from Rochester, NY: *
Q: My husband & I have been together for over 11 years and married for 2. We have two lovely boys age 10 & 7. We first moved in together about one year after our first child was born (both being teenagers) so we have experienced major "ups & downs" but after we started planning our wedding every time we have a little 'pow-wow' it escalates to this major fiasco and my husband threatens to leave. He has gotten to the point of packing his stuff and then I hold him back. I know that I am still very much in love with him, and I think he still loves me very much.
One example of something small escalating to a major problem would be the other night I wanted to watch something on tv, but he didn't want to see the same thing so we got into a huge argument and he broke our tv remote in half. I wouldn't want to leave my husband but I know that if we continue this way it will get to the point that one of us will do or say something that we won't be able to fix with "I'm sorry I didn't mean that". I am also afraid that this attitude WE have will affect our children. I admit that I also have a very bad attitude sometimes it's as if we just clash!!! Please any advice you give would be greatly appreciated. I have tried counseling and we went to 2 sessions and my husband just thought it was a huge joke.
A: Cecilia. It sounds as if both of you may be really fighting to avoid feeling "less than", symbolically unimportant, or afraid that you will somehow fall into a victim role. I would suggest you go to the section of the Marital First Aid Kit that discusses unproductive conflict. Both of you need to agree to ground rules for leaving the scene of unproductive fighting and planning on when and where to reconvene negotiations if it is an enduring matter. If the two of you cannot agree on the ground rules, I would suggest then meeting with a male counselor for a couple of sessions so you can use him as a mediator while you get the ground rules negotiated.- Bryce Kaye
Syndi from Naugatuck, Connecticut: *
Q: My husband scares me and i want to know if he is violent or will become violent. He has a history of hitting his ex girlfriend. He says it wasn't his fault, she threw something at him. He is from Brazil and I don't know what their customs are.
A: Syndi. I certainly don't know the answer to your question. I don't know if he had a history of repeated violence or was violent in one situation. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. The more repeated a past behavior, the more likely the behavior will repeat in the future. You form your own judgment. - Bryce Kaye
JJ from Fayetteville, N.C.: *
Q: ME AND MY WIFE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR A LITTLE OVER 5 MONTHS AND ARE REALLY YOUNG TO BE MARRIED BUT WE DIDN'T CARE WE WERE IN LOVE. I KNEW WHAT I WANTED AND SHE DID TOO BUT NOW SHE'S GOING THROUGH ALL OF THESE EMOTIONAL IMBALANCES THAT ARE SERIOUSLY AFFECTING OUR RELATIONSHIP. ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO SHE LEFT ME TO LIVE WITH HER GIRLFRIEND'S AND NEVER GAVE ME A REASON WHY. I HAD NO IDEA THAT ANY OF THIS WAS GOING ON AND SHE JUST DROPS THIS BOMB ON ME. MY CONCLUSION IS HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME, HER HUSBAND IF SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE HER HEAD? AND NOW THERE IS A BABY INVOLVED OF 4 1/2 MONTHS. WHY WOULD SHE PUSH ME AWAY IN OUR TIME OF NEED. I TOLD HER WE NEED TO WORK THIS OUT AND SHE JUST KEEPS RUNNING FROM ME. I THINK THAT SHE SEES ME AS A FATHER-FIGURE AND IS REBELLING AGAINST ANY STABILITY IN HER LIFE BECAUSE SHE HAS NEVER HAD THAT IN HER LIFE UNTIL I WALKED INTO IT. WHAT DO I DO AND HOW DO I SHOW HER THAT I STILL LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT. BUT SHE WONT EVEN TALK TO ME AT THIS POINT. HELP ME IM SO EMOTIONALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY MESSED UP RIGHT NOW THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE.
A: JJ. It's always very dangerous to be in a parenting role with your spouse. We all tend to want to eventually leave our parents at some point. I don't know if your assessment is accurate but if it is, the prospects are not good. In any case, don't do anything foolish like trying to force the situation. The only thing you can do is to respect her decision to separate by accepting it while making sure she knows she has an open invitation to return and work with you. I would recommend that you not get desperate about over-emphasizing your love for her. That's not likely the dimension that's relevant to her decision. If you over-emphasize how much you love her, you may only exacerbate her fear that you're desperate to control her. Sure you love her but respect is more important at this point. It would perhaps be more reassuring to her if you can tolerate her separation without becoming desperate. Be honest, but be careful. And good luck - Bryce Kaye
Mary from Rhinelander, WI: *
Q: My husband and I been married for twelve years. My husband is a diabetic. The last two years my husband is having problems performing sexually in the bedroom. Where he no longer wants to make love to me because he gets so upset with himself and how his body has failed him. He stopped kissing me and holding me in his arms and it has been years since I heard the words I love you from him. I give him a hug and he does not give me one back. I tell him I love him often, and I don't get a response back from him. Lately he been so quiet and not talking to me and I try to get him to open up and talk to me and he tells me I am nagging him. Lately I have been so frustrated and unhappy about not getting the loving attention from my husband. I miss making love to my husband so bad I can't get sex off my mind. I am so frustrated that I am giving up on my husband and I am thinking of having affair, just to make my self happy. I don't want to leave my husband because he cannot give me love, but I know I cannot live like this any longer without that attention from a man. My husband does not want to get help from a doctor. He has lost all interest in making love to me, and he says if I love him, I should not have to have sex to make myself happy. What do I do to makes myself happy?
A: Mary. Go to the section of the Marital First Aid Kit that deals with unequal sexual desire. See if your husband will read it along with you and then discuss it together. You both need to get the emphasis off of intercourse and develop other sensual and erotic alternatives for satisfying you that that can relieve him of so much performance responsibility. There may be other dimensions to his avoidance of you that may not be related to sex but there's now way for me to know from my distance. Hope this helps. PS: Don't have an affair. - Bryce Kaye
Claudia from Dubuque, La: *
Q: I am in need of an objective opinion and some advice. My husband of nine years has recently told me that he no longer loves me. This has come as quite a surprise to me. I will admit that we have drifted apart for the last two years. We both live very independent lives. We work opposite shifts from one another and have two children ages 1 and 3. Our conversations has been limited to chores and errands and little else. I have tried to engage my husband in considering that we need to try to make changes in our schedule and put forth an effort to be together. He believes that marriage should not take so much "work" and "effort". He seems to be rather uncomfortable around me at this time.
He states that he needs me to give him space and would like me to quickly switch gears and be his friend. We don't argue and fight when we are together. I just don't understand how he can so easily give up on our marriage. He states that I am an attractive, successful women and that he just no longer has any romantic feelings for me.
I know that I can not make him try or make him love me. But I just know in my heart that if he would put forth some effort we can be very happy again. He is a very good father and a fine person, I have a lot of respect for him. I am just shocked that the man that I have loved so much, for so long has so little consideration for our marriage.
Should I just let him go? Should I give him all the space he needs and hope that he finds his way back to me. I just wish that someone other than myself would tell him that a long term relationship takes some work. I feel like I have too much to lose, to just stand back and do nothing. Please advise.
A: Claudia. I would ask him what "space" means and especially how long he needs it. If he can't be specific about what he's willing to get back in and work on the relationship, it would not be reasonable to indefinitely put your life on hold. I would suggest letting him know that whatever space he wants needs to be paired with his accountability for when and in what form he will work on the relationship. Otherwise, I would suggest not buying what he's selling. If he can't be accountable for his responsibility for working in the relationship, then you need to consider your other options. - Bryce Kaye
Frustrated in Jax, Florida: *
Q: My husband and I have been married for 33 years. We have had our ups and downs but always known that we love each other. During our married life my husband have not had much involvement with the family that he was raised with. I think this was because he was raised by his grandmother and step-grandfather. I'm sure that they loved him but they were very dysfunctional. Up until eight months ago, my husband never had any contact with his biological mother or her children. He thought that she was less than a mother and was unfair to him by giving him away. Well, eight months ago the biological mother died. There was no insurance to cover the burial. The sister called to tell him that the mother was dead ( two day after the death) and they wanted him to go with them to make arrangements. My husband and I gave 1,000.00 towards the burial and the others signed a promisory note ( some of the eight children). Since this time my husband has been going around to visit his sister's home frequently. He says that he enjoys the company of her husband. True enough, he has never had a close male friend. I have always been his closest friend. We no longer go out on our Friday night dates. He is gone from home long periods of time. When I complain, he accuses me of treating him like a "child", or trying to control him. He comes home late and drunk from beer on Friday nights, and he is incapacitated for the rest of the week-end. This matter is causing great disharmony in our home......we are arguing constantly. When his "new" family calls on the phone they do not even greet me. He is going out of his way to take them places ( for instance shopping). I have to beg him to go with me. I have expressed my displeasure with the situation, but to no avail. Please help me to understand his feelings and mine most of all. "Frustrated in Florida" .
A: Dear "Frustrated". I can't help you know someone else's feelings when I'm not sure what they are. I would highly recommend for you to not try to work his feelings out towards the others. You are better off focusing on what you need and negotiating with your husband directly to get your needs met. Don't get focused on competing or trying to lessen his contact elsewhere. Keep it focused on you and he and what you need. He needs to work out his own relationships with his extended family. Even if you think you understand his dynamic, don't intrude. You can be constructively confrontive in pointing out what is happening to your relationship. You can then follow that with a focus on what you need and some possible solutions (without reference to the rest of his family). - Bryce Kaye
DJW from Belleville, Il.: *
Q: My wife and I have been together 11 yrs, married for almost 7 of them. We have always had a good relationship until about the past few months we have been arguing more and more and some have became physical on my part not to the point of hitting yet but close. All times have involved alcohol. All the arguments have started after we have left a party with some newer friends we have been hanging around. Most of them are single and her 2 new best girlfriends from the group never bring their husbands to these parties and they have their boyfriends with them. I know my wife has never cheated on me but I have become extremely jealous and overprotective over her and I never was like that before . If I even bring up staying away from these people it leads to an argument . Well, one night we got into it and she told me she needed her space. We decided to try working it out. It didn't work. We had another argument after one of these parties. I saw her dancing with a guy that earlier in the night made what I thought was a lewd comment, so I erupted on the way home. She told me she was leaving. I know that I have a drinking problem and a temper problem and I'm getting counseling for that now but I still love my wife to death but I'm totally confused on this one. She says she still loves me but is afraid to be w/ me at this time and that she has no other interest in any other man.. But why does she act this way when she's out with me then ?
A: DJW. You're unlikely to figure out the answer to your question until you've been consistently sober and have curbed your raging for an extended period of time. If you're still drinking in these circumstances, maybe you need more help in addition to your counseling. Have you been going to AA frequently? If you've been going to counseling for awhile and you're still drinking. consider that you may need to radically increase your recovery resources in order to save your marriage. Talk to your counselor about this.- Bryce Kaye
Susan from Georgia:
Q: I sent in my question 1 or 2 months ago and you still have not posted it. You were behind on answering the questions for a while but now you no longer post that. So why aren't you answering any of the new questions? These all have been here for months.
A: Dear Susan. The short version of my answer is that: a) The number of people requesting feedback has tripled, b) My two new associates have not yet learned Front Page to load back up their responses to some of the questions, and c) I had to have some major surgery and have been out of commission until very recently. I also hope that your question was not some of the data that was accidently erased during my recovery period. Sometimes life gets messy even for us counselor types. Sorry. - Bryce Kaye
Ashley from Vancouver, BC, Canada: *
Q: I have been married for 8 years now and for the past year feel like I don't even like my husband any more, never mind love him. So many little things bother me. Is this normal, and will time improve on it? Is there anything I can do to get my marriage back on track?
A: Ashley. No, it is unlikely that time alone will improve things. In fact, continuing as is will likely lead to more negative feelings. Obviously I can't tell what's eating at you but I would look in 3 areas if I were you: 1) Am I getting pursued by him and is he curious about how I think and feel? If not, check out the emotional deprivation section in the Marital First Aid Kit. 2) Do I feel controlled by his agenda and am I being proactively assertive in initiating and negotiating my own agenda in the relationship. If you're under-assertive and not sufficiently pro-active, you will get turned off because of your own need for autonomy. If this is the case, then get into therapy. 3) Is my husband overly dependent to the extent that I'm feeling smothered?. Does he seem able to take care of himself or is he constantly seeking reassurance? If so, then confront him about needing to go to a counselor together. I hope this helps. - Bryce Kaye
Kimberly from Kansas City, Mo: *
Q: My husband and I are separated. He is living with another woman. He claims he does not care for her, but he can't be with me now because we fight too much and he was becoming violent towards me. He claims he loves me and wants to make things work, but they fight a lot too and he has not left her house yet. I am trying very hard to save my marriage. I am a strong Christian and I believe marriage is forever. I also believe God can do anything. Is there really hope for my marriage and how can I fix it.
A: Kimberly. Unfortunately, most of us don't completely know the mind of God and why he/she lets some misfortunes happen. While some believe in miracles, I wouldn't bet that you alone can lift up your car. Similarly, I don't think that you stand good odds working on a marriage in a triangle. Your husband's words say one thing but his behavior says another. You have strong faith but you need to be judicious about where you place it. Maybe if your husband let in some spiritual help, he might gain the strength to work with you in a clean setting without third party influences. He might also gain the strength to face the underlying vulnerability that is the basis for his violence. - Bryce Kaye
Marcia from New Orleans, La: *
Q: About 3 yrs ago I got pregnant, and even though we hadn't talked about it before, we decided to get married. I feel like we never got the chance to become "friends" first. After being introduced by a mutual friend, we started dating immediately. My problem is that I can't help but compare this relationship to a past one. My ex and I were best friends for over 3 yrs before it progressed into more. He was the only person I felt really "connected" to- we talked about anything and everything. I felt like I could tell him anything I thought or felt without feeling embarrassed or foolish. Our relationship didn't work out, and I not only lost my boyfriend, but I lost my best friend of 5 yrs. It's not that my husband and I don't talk. It's just that we only talk about work, money, the kids- nothing else. Shouldn't there be more? What can I do to get him to open up about other things, how he feels, etc.? We've only been married 3 yrs and already I don't think I want to live like this for another 3... Can you help?
A: Marcia. I can only help but indicating the most viable direction. You're talking about how you can change another person. You can't. I can't. However, you can invite him to explore growth inducing situations along with you . What you describe, the inhibition of intimacy, will not be fixed by anything less than an intimate community that helps him recondition his values (and reduce old shame). I would suggest that you both consider exploring the PAIRS program together. Click on www.pairs.com and learn more about it. You might also explore the Lifespring fellowship together. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Kate from Pennsylvania: *
Q: My husband has cheated on me with women in the past, but always denied it. Now I find him emailing another woman and talking filthy with her. He swears he is not cheating and even called her and made me talk to her. She e-mailed me and asked me to call her to talk. Should I do this? My husband has been and still is abusive (physically).
A: Kate. I will not make that decision for you. Just think through what you expect to be the likely consequence and benefit of making the call. Will it likely get you what you want? The bigger issue is that your husband is still physically abusive. I would suggest that you explore CoDA (look on our links page) and get some outside assistance for your situation which sounds inherently shame- inducing. - Bryce Kaye
Jo from New Brunswick, NJ: *
Q: My husband and I have lived abroad for the past nine years. Due to family circumstances I had to leave to come home to be with my son who needed me. My husband and I have now been separated for over three years. During the second year of our separation my husband suddenly started to have negative feelings about our relationship. I later found out that he had an affair with one of his co-workers. During the past year he has been in and out of the marriage. First he wants a divorce, then he relents because he still loves me. He goes good for a couple of weeks and then he starts to get negative all over again. He makes commitments to the marriage and tells the children and myself how much he loves us and wants to work things out (we have two teenagers) and then weeks later he starts talking about negative feelings, such as he loves me but he is not in love with me, or that being together with me is fine but that something is missing. I found out that he keeps in touch with the co-worker even though she is no longer based in that office and that she regularly goes back to visit. He swears that it is over, that it was not going to work and yet he will not commit one way or the other to the marriage. He recently agreed to see a therapist to figure himself out (after I have begged him to do so for over a year). I have visited with him for the last three months and with ,the combination of the therapist and my being there, the relationship was wonderful. We were almost back to the old footing. I have since returned and four weeks later I get the same negative reaction. Please tell me what to do. Is this a relationship that I should stay in or should I just walk away. I love my husband very much and we have been together for twenty-five years.
A: Jo. I suggest that you look very hard at the fact that you describe that the relationship does well when you're living together for awhile and that your husband gets funny when you're not. What would that suggest to you about strategies for marital improvement? What options can you invent based upon what you have learned from this time series experiment (of sometimes being together and sometimes being apart)? - Bryce Kaye
Jane from Dallas, Tx: *
Q: I have read most of the letters written to you but have not seen too much on in-laws. What is your advice on mother-in-laws/daughter-in-law relationship when the two do not get along? I feel like my husband is a "mama's boy" - and can't understand that the mother/son relationship changes when a son gets married. For example, my husband and I decided to attend a church of a different religion (than what my husband grew up in) when we got married. Every time my in-laws come in town, they can't go to our church. They have to go to one within their same religion (catholic). My mother in law has left books and other general information about the catholic religion on our coffee table when they leave. It seems like she tries to upset me every time we are together. For example, she has brought her own towels with her when she visited one time. After asking my husband why she did this, he stated that he didn't know but maybe she thinks ours are dirty! She also makes snide comments about my cats (knowing very well that I love them dearly). One other big thing (that I am worried sick about) is her behavior around her grandchildren (my husband's nephews. We do not have any children yet). When she is around them, she takes over. She disciplines them (right in front of the parents), feeds them, does their laundry, gives them their baths, puts them in bed, etc. One time, after one of them was punished by the mother, my mother-in-law went to the grandson's bedroom, pacified him, and let him out of his room! She seems obsessed of these kids and it worries me because I don't want her to treat my kids the same way she is treating her other grandchildren. I want her to be a grandparent but leave the parenting to us! My husband doesn't see it and tends to not stick up for me. What do I do?
A: Jane. You don't describe a situation where you absolutely have to do anything. You don't have to like them. Ever! But because they're your husband's only parents, you will need to make some accomodation so that they can have a relationship. Focus on being polite and let them be jerks if they must. However, when you do have your own children, it will be very important that you and your husband have lengthy negotiations about the ground-rules: what will you tolerate and what will you and he not accept when it comes to your in-laws interactions with your child(ren). You don't have to work that out now and it probably will be better to postpone those negotiations until a baby is on the way. But then hang tough and don't let your husband avoid the issue. It can be deadly if avoided and if you don't have a common boundary with regard to the children. When it comes to towels, other people's kids, religious zealousness, etc. you can probably afford to have a thicker skin without having to confront them. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Elizabeth from Fort Mill, South Carolina: *
Q: Is it possible that my husband and I are suffering from two different problems at once? I feel like our main problem is Role-Bound, Emotional Starvation Syndrome with a little Initiator-Dependent Syndrome thrown on the side. If so, do we start with the Role-Bound intervention first, then add in Initiator-Dependent intervention once we have gotten a good handle on the Role-Bound?
A: Elizabeth. Yes. Many people have more than one syndrome going on at the same time. I always like to recommend starting with the role-bound intervention first as you have suggested. - Bryce Kaye
Stephen from San Diego, Ca.: *
Q: My wife and i have been married almost two years. She has had a rough past bought in relationships and as a child. She was sexually abused as a child (for which she says that she has gotten counseling). She was abused in her first marriage that put her in the hospital. Her next relationship was with a married man that she found out about later. He too put her in the hospital. Her next relationship was with a drug/ alcohol addict that "stuck" her to the wall with a knife. The next relationship was also violent in that he broke her nose after she got her hair cut. As far as we go, things were perfect, until such a time that i realized that i intimidated her just from my size. That was one thing that i was always worried about. I have gotten some counseling as how not to "hit" any of her triggers, but unfortunately i may have learned that a little late in the game. She has talked about getting counseling, but every time i bring the subject up she "shuts down". Then after an episode with her sister, who's boyfriend beat her up in a bar, she seemed even more removed then before. Now after an argument that we had where i believed that she was being very irrational and could possibly harm herself and the kids, i snatched the keys out of her hand. Mind you we did not physically touch one another. Long story in itself. I was arrested and the case was dropped. We have been separated due to court proceedings and the fact that i am trying to get further counseling on my part to maybe understand how to handle any more types of situations, should they happen again. She says that she still loves me but she is scared. I understand that statement extremely. So my question for you is how do i "convince" her to seek counseling for her past? No one has been able to give me any good methods. I have gone to Family Advocacy, and they are not doing much to talk with her. That frustrates me, because i feel that everyday that goes by, we are growing further apart. Another unfortunate thing is that because of her past, she believes that friends are more important then partners/lovers. And that has been very hard on me. Some tell me that i should just walk away, seek the counseling that i want and do a better "job" the next time around with someone else. But i can't. I love her too much and would hate to see her go through this the rest of her life. We have one daughter that is almost two and three step-sons of hers from her past relations. I know that we can work this out, but it seems that i can't make any head way on convincing her to get help, and for the two of us to see a counselor even after she has wanted to. Don't get me wrong. i have also wanted to seek marriage counseling but unfortunately haven't made any progress until now, as far as individual counseling goes. Pease help me. I fear that i may be too late.
A: Stephen. First you need to recognize that you crossed the line into violence when you snatched the keys out of her hand. If you don't understand this, talk to a counselor about it. Second, you will not likely "convince" you wife that she needs counseling. You can only "invite" her to explore counseling together with you. If you press her about how she is so pathological from her past, she will not likely be able to take it from you. You will probably only drive her further away. Extend the invitation to explore your respective reactions together. She has a right to decline your invitation and you will need to respect that right if she does. - Bryce Kaye
Joe from Jacksonville, Fl.: *
Q: Hello- My wife and I have been together for 9 years. Married for 5. I was on a business trip a few months ago and met another woman. Nothing happened with her except for a kiss. I could not stop thinking about her so I contacted her. After 2 months of e-mails and phone conversations we decided to get together. I lied to my wife to go see this woman. I had a good time, but it was not about sex. It seemed like so much more. When I came home, my wife confronted me and I told her what had happened. She moved out and I will be calling for some counseling. The problem that I am having is that my wife wants me to cut off all ties with this woman immediately. I think there may be some very strong feelings for this woman. How can I not call this woman if I may have some feelings for her? Should I not learn how I feel before ending it all? What if I have the "what ifs" in the back of my mind during any recovery my wife and I may have? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
A: Joe. You are making a classic mistake. First, let me say that MOST PEOPLE are capable of developing strong feelings of attraction for others outside of their marriage. That includes myself. However, I don't act on those feelings such as participating in a kiss. As a matter of fact, when those feelings start occurring, the next thing I do is to go and talk about them with my wife. (She's rather worldly and understands such things because she can share her attractions for others with me). The important thing is that we don't feed extramarital passion through covert or irresponsible behavior. What I'm trying to communicate is that infatuation passion is frequent but relatively cheap. It's exciting but really no great thing. The good stuff is sentimental loving based upon honesty, respect, as well as risk taking to keep the marital relationship lively and exciting. Affairs are initially much MORE exciting and can stay that way only if the person is relatively unobtainable. But when people become exclusively committed to the person they had the affair with, the strong passion will almost always fade with time. Don't become an infatuation junky. And if you decide to really work on the relationship, you will absolutely need to cut ALL ties with the third party. - Bryce Kaye
Confused in Louisiana: *
Q: My husband of three years works out of town a lot, sometimes all week long, only coming home on the weekends. The problem is not only that I miss him, but we have two children, ages 2 & 4 who miss him even more. When he does come home on the weekends, he is tired and just wants to "relax" he says. But, he doesn't understand that all week long I have also worked my 40 hrs AND taken care of both kids. He doesn't care that I need a break too. I also try to plan "family time" for the weekends, going to the playground, amusement park, movies, or even just a BBQ with our family or maybe a few friends. He gets mad because he's not involved in making the plans, and would rather just veg out on the sofa in front of the tv all weekend.
Before we got married, and even as a child, my husband was a very athletic person. He even still played football with his friends and co-workers up until he hurt his knee two years ago. I am only trying to get our family to spend quality time together, even if its just playing in the backyard. I don't want my kids to be couch potatoes, either.
I feel like he'd rather live in another town than spend two days with me and the kids... Am I imagining all of this? If I wait for HIM to make plans for us as a family, I may wait forever! What should I do?
A: Dear Confused, I would suggest that the first thing you try is to set up a weekly meeting where both you and your husband agree to meet at a specific place and time to plan future family activities. Place a calendar on the kitchen (maybe the refrigerator) where you can record your planned events. Make sure that you both agree that these planning meetings will always occur at the same place and time and that he buys into his responsibility to be there for them. By setting up this routine, your husband will be more likely to mobilize in a proactive manner instead of reacting to you in a defensive manner when you try to grab him when he's relaxing. When you do get together for planning, do so with a calendar in front of you. Then brain-storm with him for shared activities that you and he can share. However, plan them in advance and book them at least a day to a week ahead of time. Write them on the calendar or better yet, ask for him to write them in. Your second issue (the inequity of free time) would best be postponed for a later negotiation after you have more togetherness going on. - Bryce Kaye
Kyla from Atlamonte Springs. Fl.: *
Q: We have been together for almost 2 1/2 years now. Our daughter is two months old. Ever since she was born our lives have been so different. I feel like I have all the responsibility of raising her and working. He works long hours and complains when I ask him to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, etc. He doesn't think that he should have to do too much because he works a lot. I started working again as well as taking care of the baby 24 hours a day and I too am tired. He doesn't think I have the right to be as tired as him. He says that it isn't that hard to take care of a baby. So how come when I ask him to participate, he complains? We fight constantly. He told me if I am going to be too tired than I shouldn't work. It's almost as if his job is more important than mine, and it is automatically my job to take care of the baby. He is a wonderful man and I love him but our views are totally different. I feel like I don't know who he is. Any suggestions?
A: Kyla. One thing I would suggest is that you might check if he imagines that a) you have free discretionary time during the day while the baby is sleeping and b) that during these times you also have time to sleep. You may need to be more accountable by keeping a detailed log of your typical day (several pages long) so that your husband can see that his assumptions are inaccurate. If you can do this, he might be more willing to negotiate. It is common for a partner to underestimate the burdens on the other when they don't have the details. - Bryce Kaye
Kimberly from Apex, NC: *
Q: What would make my husband not want to be the advancer in our love-making? He never wants to touch me or try to please me. He even watches TV during this time. It makes me feel as though he doesn't have any feelings for me. It seems to be more a chore than love. I'm having trouble dealing with my ability of being a good wife. I have a much higher sex drive than he does. He would rather watch playboy and be by himself than have me. I feel as though he doesn't find me attractive anymore. But I'm by no means an Unattractive person. Help??? KIM
A: Kim. I'm not able to read you husband's mind from here. I suggest that you ask him directly. Also, check out the section of the Marital First Aid Kit dealing with unequal sexual interest. There are some suggestions there. Also, don't shame yourself by settling for scraps. If your husband is watching TV or is otherwise distracted, don't do it. The pleasure isn't worth the shame that comes with it in such circumstances. - Bryce Kaye
Tori from Phoenix Az.: *
Q: Dear Dr. Kaye, My husband and I have been married 5 1/2 yrs. We seem to have a serious trust/mistrust issue. Over the years I've caught him in several lies over stupid things. One of the problems I've had is that he'll withhold information saying that he didn't want to create problems where there weren't any. My response to that has always been that it makes him look bad when does that regardless. I have been honest in the fact that I may still get upset, but he shouldn't keep things from me. He's currently out of town on business. Prior to his leaving, I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't go anywhere with his brother other than his mothers house. (They all live in the city where he's attending a seminar). He looked me square in the eye and vehemently promised not to. The problem with his brother is that he's a drug addict that has spent 2 yrs in prison and lives a wild, deviant, and dangerous lifestyle. I was on the internet late last night when I received an e-mail from someone stating they were Mark's friend, that Larry was there and wanted to talk to me. I tried responding to no avail, and because of the late hour didn't want to call my husband in case this was some sort of hoax. (he's sharing a hotel room with his supervisor) When I talked to him this evening, he sounded strange when I was asking him about the get- together at his parents. He became defensive when I came right out and asked him if there was something he didn't want to tell me. He finally admitted to going over to his brother's after the family dinner. He said he and his brother, along with the brothers girlfriend, just sat around talking for 45 minutes. The conversation turned into an argument with me hanging up after he told me he didn't have to run his (expletive) itinerary by me. Am I wrong for being upset? I feel, as I told him, that he went back on his promise to me. He, of course, told me I'm supposed to trust him. How am I supposed to trust him when he changes the rules of a promise to suit him. I'm so angry and hurt right now. I don't know how to proceed from here. Please help.
A: Tori. It sounds as if your husband is having some sort of difficulty maintaining consistent boundaries with you. He probably needs to be able to stand up to you earlier and refuse some of the things he's agreeing to. I find it unusual that he would commit to not seeing his own brother although I also understand your anxiety about his doing so. Your trust difficulty comes about from the history of his lying and his inconsistency in probably breaking commitments. I don't know of a way that your trust will be fully restored until he can be more aggressive in defending his boundaries so that he won't have to lie. Of course you wouldn't like that too much except for the fact that you can eventually have more trust. - But that involves changing another person which we cannot do. - Bryce Kaye
Cindy from Baltimore, Md.: *
Q: My husband and I have been married for four months. We are in the middle income bracket ($70,000 yearly), but we fight over money constantly. We are trying to save to buy a new house (we each own row-houses and want an individual home). My husband doesn't see the need for me to have "discretionary money". He says if I need something just take it out of the checking account. I used to eat lunch out every day. Now I just buy my lunch maybe two or three times a month. If I do, he'll ask how much it "set us back" and makes comments about how much lunch cost. I just like having a certain amount of money without having to explain what I spend it on. He makes me feel like I am being selfish for wanting a specified amount of spending money and not wanting to save everything so we can get a new house. I'm not talking hundreds of dollars a month. The problem is I don't even know how much I need a week to spend. This is my second marriage and I have never had to explain how I spent money before and I'm having problems with that now.
A: Cindy. You're absolutely right. You need your own separate money. It doesn't have to be much. I highly recommend that you negotiate fiercely to have 2 new separate (and private) accounts set up. You can negotiate how much each of you (equal amounts) get transferred to your private accounts each month (from your common account). After the money is in your private accounts, you should not have to account for it to the other since it's private. The reason why this works so well is because of human nature. We all have needs to feel connected with another and we all have needs to feel separate. Your joint accounts symbolically represent your joint decision-making (togetherness). Your private accounts symbolically helps you to satisfy your need for autonomy. I'd suggest that you negotiate to formally set up the 2 additional bank accounts because it makes the boundaries between togetherness and privacy very clear. I hope this helps. - Bryce Kaye
Faye from Scottsdale, Az.: *
Q: How can a marriage be brought back together when one says they love you but they are not in love with you? At one time that person was madly in love with the other person.
A: Faye. Most partners in a marriage lose the in-love feelings within 3 years. That's in most marriages and it's not because anything is wrong. The really good marriages involve a transition to what I call "sentimental loving" based upon respect, honesty, and judicious risk-taking with each other to keep things lively and exciting. I don't know if there's anything else at play in your situation but I would suggest that you not get hung up on the "madly in love" thing. Instead, you need to ask whether the other person is pursuing intimacy with you, respecting you, and putting in effort to work the relationship. If love is occurring within such a context, be grateful. If not, then work on how you both are treating each other. Don't focus so much on the passion because that's the end product, not a productive place to start working on the relationship. - Bryce Kaye
Gary from Cinti., Oh.: *
Q: I've been married to my wife for 5 years on a 7 year relationship. We have a wonderful 3 year old girl. One night about one month ago my wife breaks the news to me that she can no longer live in a marriage like ours. I was always out of the house working, helping other people, and on a volunteer fire dept. usually working most weekends. My wife never told me that anything was wrong. Other people also told her that i was away too much and she would reply that it was alright. When she first told me that it was not working out, the reason was because i was never around and that our friendship was lost. That i was not there for her or to be with my baby growing up. Well of course i needed to change my ways to keep the marriage going. I started to stay home more to try to fix it but there was too much tension. After two days my wife started sleeping in our daughter's room. I would ask her what the problem was and if we could fix it. Her reply is that she does not know what she wants and needed time. Well after 10 day she decided that one of us should move out. So i did. Two weeks went by trying to stay away except to be there for my little girl. And still she can not decide what she wants. She has stated that she no longer wants the marriage, but she is afraid to go out on her own: That she did like living by herself the past 10 days and does not need anyone. Said that she did not feel lonely and did not miss me being there and sleeping in the same bed and holding her. She is afraid of making any decision because she is afraid of making a wrong one. Says that she still loves me but not for marriage. Says that i was a good provider and husband but there is no feelings. I don't want this to end. This was everything i ever wanted in life. Now i'm out with nothing at a friends house and she is a home with it all, and of course for my daughter i'm paying for half the bills. She is seeing a psychologist but no marriage counselor. Any clue!!!???
A: Gary. Sorry but this is one of those can't read another person's mind situations. I would suggest that you respect that she needs work this one out for herself. You can't do it for her and shouldn't try to be heavy-handed despite all you have going. It's sad that she didn't speak up earlier about her needs but some people try so hard to be responsible that they shove their needs down until it's too late. I hope it's not but you'll have to wait on her decision about whether she wants to risk re-working the relationship with you. You might consider telling her what responsibilities you're willing to give up in order to be more available if she wants to try to work it out. But don't belabor it in a heavy-handed manner. Perhaps a letter might be best. In the best of circumstances, you both might well use a marriage counselor if she decides to try to work it out. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Tom from Charleston, SC: *
Q: My wife and I have been married for 22 years and I thought everything was wonderful. However last August my wife asked me to leave. She is going through menopause at an early age. She started at 39 and she will be 46 as of 5/25/2000. Four months prior to her asking me to leave the house I lost my job of 24 years. It was a good paying job with many perks. We moved "down" in home and possessions and it was a strain on the entire family. We have a 14 and 17 year old in a Private Christian school. My wife and I are Christians and have been active in the same church for the length of our marriage. I was dealing with the family in a "harsh" and stressful attitude as my career came to a close. I have always had a problem with my temper and realize now that it was immature and a lack of spiritual growth. This lack of self discipline coupled with a mother who kept in too close of contact (which I allowed) closed my wife's spirit towards me. I did not realize there was a problem until she asked me to leave, then I was shocked and in disbelief! After 8 months I have totally changed and corrected all of the wrong ways in which I operated. My wife agrees that I am a "changed" man and that she cares for me and does not want anything to happen to me. She invites me over for special occasions and calls me when something needs to be fixed or if there is a problem with the children that needs my attention (she is a weak disciplinarian). However, she says that she can not let me back in the house. She says that she could not think of ever being intimate with anyone ever again. She feels guilty and is suffering many health problems due to stress in her life. I don't know what to do and she doesn't know either. We are both miserable and there is definitely no one else involved. She said she wants to do the right thing, but can't make herself. HELP!
A: Tom.. The situation you describe is very complex without an obvious route to me. Nowhere in your discussion have you explained how she attributes her loss of affection in her own mind. Perhaps you might invite your wife to choose a Christian based counselor to help both of you. - Bryce Kaye
Candy from New York, NY: *
Q: If one partner falls out of love for various reasons is it possible to regain that feeling again?
A: Candy. The answer is usually not (if you're talking about the real "in love"). But bear in mind that almost all committed couples living together will lose the "in love" feeling anyway within 3 years. What most of the more fortunate couples do is to make a transition to a different kind of loving that I like to call "sentimental loving." Don't worry. Sentimental loving can still be hot and passionate at times. However, most sentimental loving is based on much less illusion than the "in love" feelings. Sentimental loving will vary over time and even sometimes be eclipsed by other feelings. And, sentimental loving can be rebuilt many times if both people work responsibly and with respect.- Bryce Kaye
Marie from Tewksbury, Ma: *
Q: My husband and I were best of friends at the beginning of our relationship. We knew each other as friends for two years before becoming romantically involved and then lived together for 3 1/2 years before getting married. We have been married for 2 1/2 years. We have chosen to not have children (he has two children from a previous marriage that I am very close to), so we are both very involved in our careers. My relationship with him is the most important thing in my life and it comes before my job. He puts much less effort into our relationship than he did previously. He is less willing to spend time with me and is very much immersed in his job, to the extent that it interferes with his relationships. I am afraid of discussing these issues with him, because he either becomes very defensive and cold or will promise to make changes that he does not follow through with. I have also become less willing to suggest doing things together because of my fear of rejection. I find that I have adapted by immersing myself in my own pursuits-in my work and otherwise. Any suggestions?
A: Marie. I'm glad that you're so clear about your situation. I would suggest that you hang tough and be assertive about what you need in the relationship. Risk rejection so that you can be very open about how you feel. However, I would suggest that you be very methodical in how you approach him. You don't want to come across as a nag or a hysteric. Avoid nagging and complaining in a spontaneous manner. Instead, plan and schedule your hard talks with him so that he will be better mobilized to hear you. When you does not follow through, confront him about what different type of plan he will have so that he doesn't break the same commitment again.. Do not accept vague or general commitments, only very very specific ones. It's OK that he gets distracted at work sometimes. I would suggest that you don't focus on derogating or trying to compete with his work That won't help you. Focus on the specific commitments and risking your openness despite your fear of rejection. If you're very methodical in how you ask, you're much less likely to be rejected. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Steven from Dallas, Texas: *
Q: My wife and I have been married for 9 years. We have two children ages 4 and 7. Our sexual life has been rather discouraging to the both of us ever since the beginning. She would prefer to have sex once maybe twice a week and me every night. Recently I convinced her to try a schedule so that we would make love then have two days off. Perhaps this may have worked; however, over time she started to just go through the routine with little enthusiasm. I couldn't take anymore and practically had a nervous breakdown. I told her for 9 years our sexual relationship has been controlled by her. I asked her to try it my way and she agreed. We now have sex every night.
So shouldn’t I be happy?
Well I guess I would; however, I now feel bad for expecting this from her every night. I asked her recently how she felt about this and her response was, “I’m doing this for you, that means I care about you." This really tore me up inside because she doesn’t have respect for me. If I give in and do things her way I would go back to my sleepless nights and depressive state. If I continue then I’ll never win her love and admiration.
We both agreed that there was no way we could both be satisfied. She said it doesn’t bug her to give in to my needs.
So my dilemma. I feel there’s no way out. That there’s no answer to the problem. Overall we get along pretty good; however, I still have this insecure feeling. She won’t go to a marriage counselor. So, is there some text book solution to this dilemma, or are we going to be cursed for the rest of our lives????
A: Steven, there's a solution for you folks in the Marital First Aid Kit. Look up the section under unequal sexual desire. You are committing a classic mistake by trying to schedule intercourse. Your wife may be unaware that she is damaging her own sexuality by committing intercourse to a schedule. If you persist in this, both of you will have more problems in the future. Never, ever ever make intercourse a responsibility. You can schedule times for closeness and sensuality to see what happens, but never obligate either party to actual intercourse. I have some question about your needing intercourse every day as well. Do you get anxious when you don't get it? Is there any compulsive quality to your having to have sex so frequently? - Something to look at. In the meantime, read about one possible solution in the Marital First Aid Kit. - Bryce Kaye
Orpha from Sugarland, Texas: *
Q: What do you do when a man refuses to talk about personal issues where his actions bring unhappiness? Married 39 years but lonely. I cannot tell him anything that he does to make me unhappy because he flies into a rage and threatens to leave. For instance, he got angry with me for suggesting how he cut down a large envelope to a smaller one to mail an article. Said I was "telling him what to do". It is so difficult walking on eggshells. Thanks for any suggestions. This has taken its toll on me trying to maintain a facade of happiness while I am lonely inside.
A: Dear Orpha, this would be a good reason to use an objective third party such as a marriage counselor. From what you have said, it sounds as if your husband may feel underpowered in the relationship. The fights and raging about the little issues are probably because your husband is already feeling pain in this relationship (and may not know why). I suggest you explore it with a marriage counselor who can help your husband to clarify his feelings. - Bryce Kaye
Barb from Belton, Mo.: *
Q: My husband and I have been married almost seven years, and the past two years have been horrible. He lies about stupid things because he says he doesn't want to fight, I am constantly telling him that I feel and believe that he doesn't love me. He says he does but he keeps hurting, me alienating me, telling me that I am a pain, He sees me cry and says it irritates him. When we fight he just clams up and never wants to discuss the cause. We have gone to marriage counseling three times here and a couple of months living elsewhere. He doesn't know how to show me that he loves me, or any emotions except anger. He ignores me, and I really feel like he hates me. I tell him this and he just says " oh please." Tell me please am I being dumb or are all these signs that he doesn't love me? I don't trust him because he is always lying. I don't believe he is with someone else because he only goes to work and calls me from work. The biggest thing he lies about is that he says he will try to be more open and he doesn't. Please help me. Am I fighting a losing battle? I tell him I am half way out the door and he just acts like he couldn't care less. All of this fighting is affecting our children 8 and 4. Please, any advice will be greatly appreciated.
A: Dear Barb, first of all I would suggest that you stop telling your husband that he doesn't love you. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's so tired of you telling him what he doesn't feel that all he can feel is resentment. As a general rule, I would suggest that you NEVER tell him what he feels or doesn't feel. He has no obligation to love you and you should never even imply that it's his responsibility. Your emotional pain is also not his responsibility and you should not serve it up as if it is. Instead, you both need to go back to the basic foundation of a good relationship: respect. You might ask him how you and he can get back on a better footing of enjoying each other friendship. - Bryce Kaye
Fancy from Bartlesville, Ok.: *
Q: I don't know where to begin. To make a long story short, this is our second marriage for both of us. Before we got married I knew my husband would be more conservative and I thought this could be a good thing. In the past 10 years of our marriage I have found he has hidden bank accounts from me, he does not discuss major plans with me. He retired at 61 without even discussing this with me. I asked him why he didn't talk with me about it and his answer was "I knew you didn't want me to". He thinks since it didn't involve me I shouldn't have any say, but it does involve me. He never has asked me what my plans are or what I would like to do in the way of retiring. He is 12 years older than I am. There is no way I can retire until I pay this house off, and that will be when I am in my 60's. He doesn't even seem to care. When I have tried to talk with him about it he just seems to not understand. We go days in silence, when we do finally start talking and things do not go his way he starts bringing up the past. There is no affection unless I start it, he never tries to make things better or even makes an attempt to try to help solve our problems. I know a person should never say never but this happens to be the case here. I am at the end of even caring anymore. All I ever wanted was a happy marriage and healthy happy children. I have 2 wonderful kids from my first marriage which ended after 17 years because my husband was on drugs and had a tendency to get violent, I thought that was bad but at least there was emotion there. My husband does not like to be told what to do or criticized, which I try not to do. But, you cannot live with someone without asking them to do something every now and then. I know this isn't the big picture and it is only one sided. My problem is I am basically a quiet person and I let all my hurts and emotions eat me up on the inside, problem is now I know I cannot take not having a loving relationship without communication much longer. I need a relationship with love, security and commitment and either he does not know how to give it or he doesn't feel it. The thing is I think his Dad was the same way. His mom was in the process of divorce from his Dad until he got sick and she nursed him till he died. I do not want our marriage to end up like that. What do I do?
A: Dear Fancy, there's not much I can suggest if you don't have 2 people working in a relationship. It sounds as if you have some very serious problems that, without both of you actively engaged and communicating, can be fatal to the relationship. Sorry. - Bryce Kaye
Bill from Ronkonkoma, NY: *
Q: I am very much in love with my wife. The problem is we have 4 kids and I have worked so much the past few years my wife has grown distant from me. She says I'm a great provider, good father to our children, sex is great, but she is no longer "in love" with me. She wants to separate because she is not happy, but we cannot afford that and she will not move in with her mom. Since these feelings she has had, I have made several adjustments to give her space like work my 2nd job 3 nights a week instead of 4, when I come home relieve her from the stress of taking care of the children and letting her go and do what she wants when I get home. This does not seem to be working and she even stated to me "I think I need to see if there is anyone out there for me", but I will not tolerate living at home while the woman I love so much is searching for a new love. But on the other hand I cannot leave my 3 daughters (5,5,8), they mean the world to me and I know they would be devastated. Every night I come home I get an upset stomach because of the coldness from the woman I so dearly love. She says she wants nothing more than to be in love with me but she can't control her feelings. I'm very scared and stuck, I don't know what to do. Can you help?
A: Dear Bill, Your situation is an extremely hard one. If your wife truly wants to separate, then you will need to accept this and work with her on the logistics to do so. However, if she will not move in with her mother and cannot afford to separate, then you should not be inflicted the agony of her sexual pursuit of others while living with you.
One suggestion I would have is to let go of any demands or expectation that she try to be "in love" with you. You describe a home situation that would quickly squash these feelings in most couples: She's tending to 3 small children and you're working nearly around the clock. How often have you and she been together for fun, AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN? "In-love" usually doesn't stand a chance when people compress themselves into so much responsibility for a long period of time. Read the Marital First Aid Kit's emotional starvation syndrome. Does it apply? If so, try the intervention if you're wife is still willing. - Bryce Kaye
Depressed from Louisiana: *
Q: We've been married for only 2-1/2 yrs and have two children, ages 2 and 4. He's a good father and he tells me how beautiful I am constantly, how much he loves me, etc. The problem is that I cannot trust him. Six months ago, I made the mistake of reading his e-mail and found out that while out of town on a business trip, he and a co-worker met two woman in a bar, spent the entire night drinking and talking with them, then ended up at ones apartment. They stayed there all night (supposedly b/c they were all too drunk to drive home) and he and the co-worker went back to their hotel in the a.m. He claims that he doesn't remember anything about that night- he thinks they kissed, but that is all. He also says that he had no clue where he was when he woke up that morning, and that he never planned on talking to her again. As far as I know, he has not talked to this woman. But, just this past month, I have found him reading personal ads online and receiving pictures/e-mails from other women, some local. I can't seem to get him to understand that this is ruining our marriage and our family. I tried giving him an ultimatum. He has never really apologized, but has only said that I am the only one he wants, and he doesn't want to break up our family. I suggested counseling, but he basically ignores my input. If all this is not enough, we recently went out with some friends and it turns out that after dropping me off (I felt sick) he paged an old girlfriend at 12:30 am. Our friends went home at midnight, so he was alone at a bar when he paged her. Why is he doing this? Why can't he understand that I can't take this anymore. I know that I could never survive financially without him, but I don't want to go through this forever. His father left his mother for another woman, so I am thinking that his view on commitment is not so good. What can I do to fix my marriage? Should I get out now, or is there hope? Please help!
A: Dear Depressed, I don't know why he's doing this. It doesn't sound like what he's doing has anything to do with you. It may be that he's compulsively dependent upon women. I don't know. I do know that your best course would be to get into some intensive marital therapy fairly quickly. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Isis from Medford, NY: *
Q: How would you know if someone is keeping in contact with a lover from the past?
A: Isis, I suppose you mean someone such as your partner in a committed relationship. - And I suppose you mean keeping in touch deceitfully. If this is what you're asking, then I would do this: 1) Look at their eyes. 2) Ask them and keep looking at their eyes. 3) Notice how they react. 4) Ask myself if they have any history of lying to me, and 5) Take my best guess from the data I've just obtained. If your partner has any history of tell you lies of convenience, then that's the greater problem anyway. - Bryce Kaye
Rich from Holyoke, Ma.: *
Q: DR., MY WIFE AND I HAVE HAD MANY PROBLEMS. I'M VERY CONTROLLING AND JEALOUS AND THIS HAS PUSHED HER TO THE EDGE. ABOUT A WEEK AGO SHE TOLD ME SHE NEEDED TO GET AWAY WITH A FRIEND (LADY FRIEND). MY REACTION WAS POSITIVE TWO DAYS AGO I FIND OUT THIS 4 DAY TRIP IS REALLY SET UP FOR HER AND A GUY NAMED TOM. THE HOTEL CALLED TO CONFIRM THE STAY. I TOOK THIS CALL (3 NIGHTS TWO PEOPLE KING SIZE BED). I TALKED TO HER AND SHE TOLD ME HE WAS JUST A FRIEND AND THE ROOM WAS A MISTAKE. SHE SAID THE CHANGE WOULD BE MADE TO TWO BEDS. THE PURPOSE FOR THE ONE ROOM IS COST ONLY. I SPOKE TO THIS PERSON WHO IS A FRIEND OF MY WIFE'S FROM THE PAST (NO RELATIONSHIP) WHO I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT AND HE SAID THE SAME THING. I'VE ASKED MY WIFE NOT TO GO WITH HIM BUT GO ALONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
A: I think that the circumstances are awfully suspicious even if you are "very controlling and jealous." You are essentially telling me that she sold you on this trip with a lie: She needed to get away with a lady friend. The reality is that it was for a man and a single bed was booked. What am I supposed to think? - Bryce Kaye
Pamela from Orlando, Fla.: *
Q: I was in a marriage with an alcoholic for 23 years. I have three beautiful daughters from this marriage. About 8 years ago, my husband left us. I was devastated. I promised that I would never look at a man again. I met him. After my divorce, George asked me to date him. After 4 months of begging, I began to see George. We fell in love and married in October. In December, I received a phone call from a woman who said she was having an affair with my husband. It was true--he was with her for the past 8 months. He moved out due to his unhappiness. I was devastated. We live in an area where everyone knows everyone else's business. After a month, George returned again to try it again. I had a difficult time of forgetting and forgiving. I felt that George felt no remorse. He said it was time to forget and move on. We didn't get along. George found time for everything but me. He went to bowl one night and never returned,. It has been five weeks! I was only married for 5 months. He left all of his clothes and belongings here. What do I do and why do I still love him? When I come home from work, I look for his truck each day. I think I hear it in the driveway. I am so lonely and depressed. Help me with a suggestion. Thank you.
A: Pamela, your story is a sad one. Please do yourself a favor and get into a peer support group such as Codependents Anonymous or some other women's consciousness group. You sound very lonely and probably too underpowered in your relationships with men. Also, don't settle on remorse from George. It sounds that, even if he's remorseful, George will probably have other disappointments in store for you. Protect yourself. - Bryce Kaye
Ann from Syracuse, NY: *
Q: Hello, I would like to start out with the fact that I suffer from severe depression. Most of the time it is controlled by medications. The last year, I have been having some major flare up's due to serious health issues. I was hospitalized for 6 weeks for the health problems. I have been with my husband 9 years and married 4 years. I ended up having an affair that lasted 4 months. That is something I would normally never do and think maybe it had to do with the depression. I am so ashamed of what I did but I am learning to forgive myself. My husband found out and filed for divorce. We did a lot of talking, some marriage counseling, and he did forgive me. We decided to work on our marriage because we both really love each other and cancelled the divorce papers. I also have a 9 y.o. son that my husband has raised since he was 4 months old. My husband was not comfortable with the marriage counseling so we only went about 5 times then worked on things at home. Things were much better and we both were really happy for a few months. I am still going to counseling right now to help me deal with all these issues and for the depression.
I have noticed over the last month or so that my husband is not happy. I thought it was due to the fact that I am going through a major depressive episode right now and I am not the happiest person to live with right now. I am working with my psychiatrist on switching medications. I asked my husband last night why he seems so unhappy. He then told me, he was not happy with me, he can't forgive or forget the affair. It has been 5 months since the affair ended. He said he loves me but not how he should, he is not sure if he wants to work on things or if he is still attracted to me. I asked him why he let it go on so long with out telling me and he said he did not want to hurt me. He said he doesn't want a divorce but said he is very depressed because of all these feelings he is having. He doesn't want to be around me. He said he will go see my counselor with me but is not sure if he wants to keep trying to make the marriage better. This all completely shocked me, I knew things weren't perfect but I did not know he felt this way. I am very devastated right now. I love him and want the marriage to work. Do I give him space or do I try to continue to show affection for him? I am very confused and scared right now. Do many marriages survive an affair? Sorry this is so long but I wanted you to have the whole "picture". Thank You.
A: Yes Anne, many marriages do survive an affair although most of them do not recover to comfort levels within a year. That's too soon for most. It's also unrealistic to expect your husband to restore full trust and eliminate his shame so quickly. The issue is not forgiving. There are really two issues: The first is trust and the second is shame. He should logically not have full trust in you until he sees that you are in some way profoundly different than the person you were when you had the affair. This would best be accomplished not in marriage counseling per se but by involving him, from time to time, in your own therapy. As you come to face the likely personal deficits that enabled your affair, you may share with him your own discovery and reintegration. The second issue is his shame. Don't underestimate this. Part of him may be wondering why his life turned out to involve such an unanticipated symbol of being unloved. Again, this can be shared in conjoint sessions involving your therapist. I would still recommend involving him only episodically with your therapist since it sounds like you need a strong focus on your own issues as well as a clearer understanding of your own affair. In my experience, marriage counseling that focuses on communication will not delve deeply enough into your personality or depression issues. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Debbie from Michigan: *
Q: I have been married to my husband for about five years now, But we have been together for 10 years total. I had an affair about 4 years ago, but even though my husband says he forgave me he'll bring it up today. He says he loves me and that I am the only one for him, but he can not forget the past enough for us to be happy now. I feel as if I have been paying for this mistake everyday now for four years. Will he ever forget? I have recently filed for a divorce. It is not what I want but with three children it is hard for them to hear us arguing all the time. Confused, please advise.
A: Debbie, the issue is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is usually too shallow. Your husband will need to deal with the probable shame that lingers from having such an unanticipated symbol of being unloved. I'm not saying that that's reality, only that many man will receive an affair as such a symbol. I strongly recommend that you both seek some counseling together that can focus in on why you had the affair and how you are different (and incapable of such) today. Until he can see this, it would not be logical to totally disregard it. I would also recommend that part of the package include a firm agreement that the past affair not be used as artillery during arguments. - Bryce Kaye
Donna from Clover, SC: *
Q: My husband and I have been married almost 15 years and we have three children, two boys 10 and 11, and a girl 19 months. I am a stay-at-home mom. I love my husband and children very, very much. My husband works hard and provides for us very well. Since I don't work, he controls all the money. He gives me money weekly to buy groceries and some extra, he says for me. Most of the time I don't get to spend the money on myself. It seems as if the children always need something. If you have children, you know what I am talking about. Those little unexpected things that come up, and with three it seems like it is all the time. When I tell my husband I need some extra money, he acts as if I took the money that he gave me and just went crazy splurging. It has gotten so bad that I keep track of all my spending, down to the penny. So, when he asks what happened to the money he gave me then I can show him. When I go to show him where it all went he just says, never mind. This usually ends up in an argument. I hate to have to ask him for money. I hate to ask him for anything for myself. I feel like he's my parent, not my partner. He makes a very good living, so it isn't like he has to let something go to give me some extra if I run short. Heaven forbid if I use the credit card. He rolls his eyes, his jaws clench and he gets in a bad mood. There's one other thing, I don't get any time for myself. I feel like ME is gone and there is just this person called mom and wife walking around taking care of everybody. He takes time each week for his hobby and he is always stopping by a friend's house for a quick visit. He comes home telling me what he did and how things are going and all about this and that. I have absolutely nothing to talk with him about. I just find myself listening. Now, I don't begrudge him his time. Heaven knows he deserves it. He is a good person with great morals and he does work hard. I guess I just get jealous that he has time for himself. My free time for me is when I get to take a shower after everyone including him has gone to bed. On the days that things aren't to hectic, I can handle this very well. It doesn't bother me, . . . . that much. But on those days that the boys are fighting, they need my help for homework, I need to fix supper, the baby has a dirty diaper and is crying, the phone is ringing and the dog is barking, and my husband comes in and doesn't even ask if I need help and wants to know how long before supper, and if its going to be awhile well then, he is going to go out to work on his car, . . . . well, . . . . I RESENT HIM!! (By the way his car isn't broke down or anything like that, he restores old cars as a hobby.) In all our years as being parents, he has very rarely watched the children. Not until my sister had her first child this past March had he ever had to watch the children by himself. And, you know what? I FELT GUILTY! I just want him to be sympathetic. I don't want to feel guilty when I have to ask him for help with the children or if I happen to run low on money. I want him to understand that I need some time for me and I don't want to feel guilty for it. But how do I do this without it turning into an argument. This is the only problem we have. So, if you have any words of wisdom I would greatly appreciate it.
A: Donna, your situation has several dimensions in which classic polarization syndromes are occurring: You have an imbalance of authority when it comes to money. You have inequity of free time within the relationship. You have a helper system when it comes to household and child-care responsibilities. These are all classic mistakes and I have addressed them at length in the First Aid Kit. Please re-read the syndromes on Sneaky Spending and Delinquent Helper. Try to get your husband to read the recommended interventions. You have some major renegotiating of roles to do in your relationship. Forget about doing this piece-meal. Forget about short-term requests for "help." Focus on the big picture which requires a lot of planning. - Bryce Kaye
Martha from Stockbridge Ga.: *
Q: I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER 25 YRS AND NONE OF THEM HAPPILY. MY HUSBAND MAKES ME SEVERELY NERVOUS/HE IS CRITICAL OF ME/ HE ATTRIBUTES EVERYTHING TO MONEY. I FEEL AS IF I AM GOING CRAZY. I LOVE HIM BUT I FEEL AS IF I AM DEPRIVING MYSELF OF THE HAPPINESS THAT I DESERVE. SHOULD I STAY WITH HIM OR NOT?
A: Martha, if I were to answer your question yes or no I think I would be doing both of us a disservice. What troubles me most is that you give your husband so much power to define your happiness. My intuition tells me that it's probably not just him but also how you view your self and your place in the world. I would suggest that you explore a good woman's consciousness group in your community. - Bryce Kaye
Lloyd from Media, Pennsylvania: *
Q: How do I go about finding a good marriage counselor in my area. I have no idea how to get started. Is there a service that makes recommendations and evaluates therapists?
A: Lloyd. I'm doubt that you'll find such an independent service. There may be referral services but they will either be marketing devices or general listings that do not discriminate. The best way that I know is to ask friends who have gone first-hand to a particular counselor. Ask about whether homework was given and whether the counselor was fairly directive. If all they got was support, move on to another counselor. Also, a counselor who only puts emphasis on improving communication will miss a lot of the true emotional dynamics within a marriage. I always advise people to visit one time with 3 different counselors. Then pick the one who is most clear and strategic. You'll know when you have a good one. It may be expensive to evaluate 3 counselors up front but it's worth it in the long-run. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Debra from Springlake, NC: *
Q: I want to know what it is when you feel insecurity in your marriage. I have a BIG insecurity problem. Either when my husband and I go out, he's looking at other women, and we get in to it. When we're at home watching tv, he looks at women as if they're there, and we get in to it again, and I don't know why this is happening. He's the same way when we go out and it's causing a big problem for us. Can you explain to me what this is and how to deal with this? Thanks
A: I'm sorry Debra. I can't get into someone else's head. Perhaps your insecurity problem is a lack of emotional intimacy and closeness between the two of you. Perhaps if you and he shared your most private feelings and thoughts with each other, then external appearances wouldn't be so important to either of you. Just a thought. - Bryce Kaye
Tom from Cedar Park, Tx.: *
Q: My wife and I have been married for 11 years with an 8 year old boy and a 3 year old daughter. It has come out that my wife had a couple of beers one night and stated over the phone to a family friend that she was in love with him but would not do anything to hurt me or his wife because she respected us both. She felt bad about the feeling she was having. She said that she liked the way he always compliments the way she does things. She said she looked forward to the "public" few minutes she sees him on certain days. The friend responded by saying "we are just friends and that he would not tell his wife what had transpired.
She admitted the whole episode to me but only after the family friend told his wife what had been said. All of this transpired over the course of 12 hours. My wife has never done anything like this before (that I know of). My wife is very jealous of this friend's wife who is wealthy, doesn't work and can buy anything she wants (we are middle income 60,000/year) This friends wife basically rubs it into my wife's face and sends her into a depression. I suspect that the reason for whole thing was to get back at his wife by trying to get her husband to like her because she had suspected that he did. Evidently she was wrong and the whole blew up in her face. My wife stated that jealously was possibly the reason for her saying those things but also said that she did have feeling for him.
Even though nothing happened between the two of them, I still feel hurt, betrayed, not good enough and confused. My wife says that she loves me and only me and admits that she really screwed up. I love her very much but this whole thing is grinding at me. What are your suggestions?
A: Tom. Your wife may be too confused to give you a good read about what actually happened. Don't forget that alcohol not only disinhibits, it also distorts. I personally have been told by another's intoxicated girlfriend that she loved me. I didn't put much stock in it. Besides, "in-love" feelings can flame on and flame out quickly when we're getting attention and compliments from the opposite sex. The important thing is that your wife acknowledges that she "screwed up." You can ask her how she could have handled it differently, even accepting that she might have been attracted to this man on some level. Most people feel attractions to others over the course of a marriage. The important thing is how they manage it. The first thing I do whenever I feel "in-love" type of feelings flame on with the opposite sex is to talk to my wife about them. I present it as a type of crush that we both know will quickly pass - and it does. What remains is a stronger trust and deeper respect between the two of us.- Bryce Kaye
Lisa from Altoona, PA: *
Q: My husband and I have been together for almost five years, but only married since May, 99. Well, things started out a little rocky in the first place. I was 17 when I met him, and he was 22. After being together for about a year, I became pregnant with our son. We then moved in together a few months after our son was born. He had a lot of problems when I met him, that I stuck through with him . He had a horrible temper due to the fact that he had Sleep Apnea, but he has now had surgery. I am a real family person, as where his mother had him at the age of 15, and he was never really close with her or his father. Now, he is a very intelligent person, going to college, and working for a neurologist. We see the world very differently. I stay at home with our son, who is now going to be 3. Rich (my husband), has his priorities all backwards in my eyes. He comes first in his book. When I try to talk to him about anything, he doesn't want to hear me. We have been fighting constantly, and I am really regretting marrying him. He can be a good husband, and a good father, but only at his convenience. He would rather read than spend time with me and our son. Right now, he has a broken ankle, and I have no urge to wait on him hand-and-foot. He has put me through so much mental abuse that I am starting not to love him. We tried counseling, but we only went once. We had a male counselor whom only saw Rich's side, and Jacob (our son) cried the whole time through it, so we didn't really get to discuss the root to our problem. I really have gone through a lot with him, from name calling, and any feelings that I have ever told him about anything (not even including us), he has thrown in my face when we fight. He has never given me his shoulder to cry on; and has never once comforted me. I feel so deprived of his time. I have held this relationship together so far, but I don't know how much longer I can do it. I'm starting to give up, and not really caring about it. If you have any advice, please help me. Should I leave, or should I stay?? Thank You, Lisa
A: Lisa, it sounds as if you and your husband need fairly intensive help. I would recommend going back to a marital counselor but this time without the child. Your reference to the previous counselor seeing only your husband's side suggests that there is more complexity to your situation than you may think. - Bryce Kaye
Toni from San Diego, CA.: *
Q: I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS AND HAVE RECENTLY HAD A BABY. BEFORE BECOMING PREGNANT, MY HUSBAND AND I HAD AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE. BUT SINCE I BECAME PREGNANT AND HAD THE BABY, IT IS ALMOST NON EXISTENT. I ASK HIM WHAT IS THE REASON AND THE ANSWERS ARE ALL SO LAME. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT COULD BE? I FEEL LIKE I AM UNDESIRABLE BECAUSE OF THE WEIGHT GAIN ETC... PLEASE HELP!!!!
A: Toni. Like I must tell so many others, we're not very good at guessing what's going on in another's head. Sure it might be the weight gain. But, it might also be that you are now interacting with each other while in parental emotional states. Before, you were lovers. Now, with all the child-care responsibilities, you may not be keeping your lover roles sufficiently protected from your parenting roles. Think about it. When we're in a highly responsible state such as when we're parenting, then we are less fun and appear less like a "lover" to our spouse. In short, parenting is a turn-off! The sex life for many couples often deteriorates after the first child because the couple may be only relating while they have to watch the child. Do you and he have any time out alone anymore? Now more than ever, the quality of your relationship may depend upon how you can plan privacy and time to be a free and fun-loving couple again (without the child). I'm talking about emotional intimacy, not just sex. Remember, really good foreplay starts emotionally a week in advance. - Bryce Kaye.
Wynsome55 from Largo, Maryland: *
Q: Help. I have been married and in what I thought was a good relationship for over 20 years. I recently confronted my husband about my suspicions about his infidelity. He says his conscience began bothering him and he wanted to come clean that he has been unfaithful once again. This time he has been having an affair with the same person for the past two years. I knew from his behavior that he was into something, but I guess naively I had hoped his promise from the last time was enough to change things between us. We both still have feelings for each other, but although I love him, the lack of trust, respect and commitment that I have prevents me from putting this behind me. We have a 13 year old daughter whose feelings about her father's behavior has been deeply shattered. My husband has never really apologized. He just says that he's sorry that he hurt us and that he doesn't want to lose his family. He has not talked to our daughter about this, is estranged from his family because they are really upset over his behavior, so he avoids them. I guess I just don't think he has shown any real remorse, just attempts to avoid the problem. We don't argue or fight, nor are we hostile to each other, but I have stated in no uncertain terms that I think this time, we need to deal with this problem in some type of therapy if we are to survive, move beyond the problem or end the marriage. I know that he feels guilty, but I don't want guilt to keep him with us. He knows that I am very capable of taking care of my daughter and me financially. He on the other hand, right now may need us more financially that we depend on him. He has sort of hinted that he might want to talk with a therapist but he is not going to make the first move, I know this! I on the other hand, will move to locate a therapist, but I don't know who I should see and is it affordable, covered by insurance or what. Can you help me.
A: Wynsomme55: Don't shoot for guilt or remorse from your husband. Those are cheap commodities and of little security to you if you got them. Of far more value would be regret and sadness over lost opportunities and lost personal integrity. When your husband wants fidelity for the sake of preserving his own openness and spirituality, that would be a much more stable foundation upon which to rebuild a relationship. An apology is really a cheap cop-out without having to do the work.
Different insurance plans handle relationship problems differently. You would have to call your insurance company to see if they handle such. Other than that , you can ask your friends who they might recommend as a family or marital counselor. You want one who has knowledge in personality theory, not just one who focuses on communication skills alone. Your husband's behavior is not just about communication but about his own emotional development. You may also ask about Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous in your area. However, your husband does not sound like he's even close to considering that he has a real problem with his own integrity. Separation might be a viable option if there's no movement in therapy. - Bryce Kaye
Margaret from Rockport, Iowa: *
Q: I have husband of 30 years. He cannot stay faithful. What causes this? There's a new woman at least every two years. Can this be changed? I am afraid for my well being as he does not use save sex .
A: Margaret. It sounds as if you are very under-powered in your relationship. I am concerned that you are afraid. I would encourage you to do whatever you can to protect yourself, starting with use of condoms if you are still going to have sex with him. However, I suspect that you do not feel like you can assert yourself very well or may not even feel safe if you try. Check out to see if there's a Codependents Anonymous in your area. They may be in your phone book. I would recommend that you join a self-help group so that you can begin to extract yourself from the victim role you appear to be in. - Bryce Kaye
Marie from Toledo, Ohio: *
Q: My husband and I have been married 25 years...We have been having some problems on and off thru most of the marriage...a year ago I suggested we assess our relationship before we have our 25th anniversary...it was a big mile-stone for me (since this is my second marriage) and I didn't want to take it lightly...I truly wanted to renew our vows and celebrate with all our friends and family and enter the next 25 years eyes open, honest and caring on BOTH our parts...my husband is a workaholic....saying he is too spent for intimacy with me during the week and not much goes on during the weekends....we have sex maybe once a month. Sometimes it's longer....very little conversation between us, too...I am very lonely....I have talked to him but he seems like he just can't make a move to improve the relationship or leave it....I am all for improving the relationship, I love him very much....and at 52 I don't have the courage to leave....My husband loves his job and I am happy he is doing something he loves...but the money to me isn't worth the loneliness...I have told him I need very little material things...I need some attention....I am an alcoholic beginning my 7th year of sobriety and feel he sort of resents that I'm getting my act together...He has shared with me he masturbates on a regular basis. This is okay if we were experiencing some sort of regular sex...how do I compete with that relationship...and how can I stop allowing myself to feel so inadequate...He did start some therapy but it ended in how he could improve his performance at work and somehow got off the marital problems...and I got angry....I did go one time to let the counselor understand where I was coming from but chose not to continue....this is the second time...15 yrs ago the therapist basically said he had a problem why he didn't make love to his lovely wife and our therapy ended...don't get me wrong...I am not perfect, maybe I am too demanding....hopefully you can sort out what I wrote. I seem to be rambling....I feel I need a little direction...it seems I have tried everything. I am sure I haven't...maybe you have some suggestions...thanx for your time.
A: Marie. It sounds like your husband is living on a different plane of values than you. Unfortunately, many men become so invested in achievement that they miss out on many other dimensions of human experience. A good way to try to build a common foundation would be to participate in the PAIRS program. It would cost a lot but it might be the only way to help your husband get beyond his limitation of being so achievement/pride focused. The advantage of PAIRS is that it creates a community of couples that help each other to reach deeper emotional intimacy in their relationships. The power of modeling and the involvement of others in your relationship may be what's needed for your husband to do the kind of values reassessment that he really needs. Check it out at www.pairs.com. - Bryce Kaye
Tas from Cape Town, South Africa: *
Q: My husband and myself have been married for twenty years. He gave up smoking 8 years ago and has been nagging me to give up. Due to tremendous pressures and tension of looking after our severely handicapped daughter who I nurse 24 hours a day I have struggled with giving up although I have tried hard. Now he wants to leave and say's he does not love me anymore because I couldn't give up smoking and he couldn't kiss me. Is he using this as an excuse, he has also had affairs recently and changed radically, I don't even know him any more, from a good, hard working man to a lazy man who won't work and lives in bars. Tas
A: Tas, I'm sorry to hear this. First, it is true that your smoking will likely kill you earlier in life and that it will likely impact him. A partner does have a right to decide if they will buy into that kind of risk to life quality. However, what you describe as his behavior is not your responsibility. Lying, having affairs, etc. all have to do with his character. It's one thing to negotiate out of a relationship you no longer find acceptable. It's another to betray it.
I would encourage you to find an end-smoking clinic where you can use the emotional benefits of group support along with a nicotine withdrawal aid. That would be your best bet. In terms of the marriage, if your husband continues to have affairs, then all you can realistically expect is an "arrangement" but not much of a relationship. Sorry. - Bryce Kaye
Evelyn from Memphis, Tennessee: *
Q: How do I know if I have the "right man"?
A: Dear Evelyn. Please don't do that to yourself! Perfection is such a nerve-racking thing to expect. You'll know you have a good man when you find out that he love truth and integrity more than he loves you or any relationship. - Bryce Kaye
Lynn from Bouctouche, New-Brunswick, Canada: *
Q: My husband and I have been together now for twelve years. Our relationship is 90% great. However, he always stares at other women all the time. I tell him how much it hurts me and he wants to change but doesn't know how to. Please help us because that 10% is making me so sick, I don't even want to go out because there will always be a beauty out there. I am a very petite women and do take good care of myself and jealousy is not the reason. I feel embarrassed around people because he's so obvious. Thank you.
A: Lynn, if your husband truly has a compulsive behavior that he can't control, then he will need more focused help than what my simple feedback can provide. Compulsive behaviors require methodical ongoing external structure such as therapy, self-help groups, etc. However, I wonder whether or not your husband is being truly honest with you. He may be merely blowing you off. Ideally, you both could be discrete about looking at the opposite sex and could also share with each other when you notice a truly beautiful physique. Most people have these feelings. However, not many relationships reach that degree of emotional security wherein each party can merely be amused at the other's person's diverted sexual interests. The most healthy and trusting relationships can tolerate it. - Bryce Kaye
Chris from Ohio: *
Q: My mother is still furious that I divorced my first wife, even though she fought with her when we were married. Now, 5 years later I am remarried and extremely happy. My mother refuses to accept my divorce and remarriage and constantly finds fault with my wife. She makes constant reference to my ex in front of my current wife and my 8 yr old daughter. Recently she got the entire family in an uproar because I disposed of my first wedding album for personal reasons. I feel this is an invasion of my privacy and she is again looking for a reason to punish myself and new wife. She also is angry that I won't override my wife's decision to not allow anyone to smoke in our home because of her allergies. My mother thinks that she should be allowed and refuses to come to our house. She has basically "denounced" us over the wedding album incident and said she does not want to talk to us or see us again. What is your advice?
A: Chris. My advice would be to do nothing. You no longer live in your mother's house. It's your life now - and your wife. If your mother implodes, that's her own doing. - Bryce Kaye
Ray from Vancouver, Washington: *
Q: We've been married 15 years. I have never been in any relationship other than my wife for our entire marriage. Over 2 years ago someone from my office made an anonymous phone call to my wife saying there was something going on between me and a coworker. Although it was totally untrue it shattered her. She believes there must be some truth to it and wants me to confess to something that never happened. I have been able to drag her in to counseling on a couple of different occasions, but she will never go back. She told me a couple of days ago that she will go back to find out why she can't get over this. I know she won't actually go back. I love my wife and family, but I don't know how long I can continue when there is no trust in our relationship. She questions me constantly on where I was, who was I with, what were you doing? I'm constantly being interrogated. Every female I encounter at work or casually she thinks there is the possibility of something going on between us. Help!
A: Ray. My guess is that there's a lot more to it than appears. I'm not saying you had an affair. What I am saying is that your wife's distrust is unusual. I would be curious about why she has so much distrust that she can't blow off the information. Could it be her own past traumas of betrayal? - Or could it be your own lack of awareness of when you rationalize little diversions from vigorous honesty (e.g. little distortions of which you are unaware). I can't tell from my eagle's nest here but if I were you, I would be curious. The issue is deeper than you present. It is really about the nature of the trust that you and she built up before the incident happened. - Bryce Kaye
Jeff from Springfield, Missouri: *
Q: My wife and I have been together now for 13 years. We got married at 18. So you can imagine the up's and downs that has caused. I am uncomfortable about my wife's friendship with a coworker that I think is interested in being more than just her friend. We have been down this road once before. It almost cost us our marriage then. Now I feel as though it is starting again. But every time I bring it up she just jumps on me that I don't trust her. Just like she did the last time it happened. But even she admits I was right that time. I think it is starting again, but once again I am getting told that I am creating a problem were there is none. I think that she likes the attention and doesn't see that it affects our marriage when she starts valuing his opinions over mine. I try to be open-minded but it has been my experience that if two people are attracted to each other, sooner or later they will do something that they shouldn't. She has told me that if they both were single, she would date him. I say that proves that they have some sort of feelings for each other that could eventually be harmful to our marriage. Whether they act on those feelings or not it hurts us, and ME! I really do not know how to handle this. I am sick of fighting over it and having my feelings on the subject just dismissed as I am being a jealous jerk. what should I do?
A: Jeff: I would suggest that it really depends upon whether or not she has really mismanaged her sexual feelings in the past. If she hasn't, then you really don't have any grounds to intrude. If she does have a history of inappropriate sexual behavior, or some other outright betrayal of the relationship such as lying, then you may need to respectfully confront but not control. Even if she has proven herself to be unreliable, you options are essentially to warn or to walk, not intrude. She has that right. By the way - you don't trust her. That's not such a big sin as it sounds. Trust is not global. In some ways you trust her, in some ways you don't. In some ways you trust yourself, in some ways you don't. Let's be realistic. Even the most exceptional relationships have some distrust because all people have limitations. Trust is really only expectation. - Bryce Kaye
Patty from Covington, Louisiana: *
Q: My husband and I have been married 7 months. We've been together for over 3 years. I am divorced from a wealthy man and have a large home, cars, etc. My husband has nothing but debt which he incurred before he met me. I do everything including pay all of the bills. He's a PT and makes good money, but has the attitude that since he had to sign a pre-nup, he shouldn't have to help and only gives me $100.00 per week to pay for food, cable, rent, cleaning, elect., internet, etc. This is a darn good deal, but his attitude has really gotten resentful. He's over-demanding about sex and makes snide comments about me under his breath. I've already been through an abusive marriage, and he is not physically abusive or even abusive at all, but I don't feel like putting up with anymore crap in my life. I have a 10yr. old son and 12 yr. old daughter who think the world of him, but they see us bickering and only want me to be happy. I've made him move out to see that $400.00 per month is a great deal and I also need time to figure out whether I want turmoil in my life anymore. I don't and I've really detached and shut down from him. I feel terrible, because he's a sweet person, but has no ambition and will never have anything financially as far as I can see. He's too dependent on me and I'm just scared, even though I knew this before we got married, but I just swept it all under the rug. We are going to counseling once a week and now he says that he's never felt that he belonged. He's always felt like an outsider. What do you suggest?
A: Patty. It sounds like he's trying to be honest with you. From the situation you describe, I can well imagine how hard it would be for him to be a "helper" in your world. Perpetual "helpers" feel only one level above serfdom. You describe that he should feel appreciative of being in your house and should pay you more. Why is he paying you anything? Why don't you have it set up like an equal partnership? Why aren't both of you paying things out of your common bank account that you both feed with your marital income? It sounds as if the marital authority structure is lopsided. Ask your counselor if he/she believes this to be true. - Bryce Kaye
Debi from Farmington, Ill.:
Q: How do you help your spouse get out of a depression that he doesn't even realize that he is in??? *
A: Debi, here's what I suggest:
1) Don't take it on as your responsibility. |
2) Be upfront about how it affects you and the relationship. |
3) Ask if he would be willing to consider getting professional help. |
| 4) If not, then ask him if he's open to getting a third party's opinion. |
| 5) Ask him to choose which professional can mediate the conflict. |
Very often, couching it as a marital conflict and challenging him to choose a professional person he respects can get around the stigma of being designated the "sick" partner. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Randy from Victor, Mt: *
Q: My wife is telling me she is not "in love" with me anymore and is wanting a divorce or to at least move out and get some counseling to try and figure out why she is not "in love" with me. I am in love with her and don't want to let go of our relationship. We have three children and I don't want them to live in broken homes. we got married young and I think she feels she missed out on some things in life. I don't want to get a divorce but I don't want her to move out either what can I do?
A: Randy, I'm sorry but your best strategy is to accept her right to choose and to resist pressuring her. Although she may get divorced, the respectful route is also your best possibility (not probability) of a possible reconciliation. The more you show that you can respectfully give her distance, the more attractive you will be in her ambivalence. It's important at this point to avoid showering her with messages of affection and proclamations of your love. That would likely repulse her now. Instead, you might give her a standing invitation to get into marital counseling with you if she changes her mind. Then don't belabor the point. Remember, you only have a little bit of influence, not control. It may not turn out how you want but it's the best route for her and for you as well. - Bryce Kaye
Lee from New Bedford Mass.: *
Q: My new husband gets very upset with my dog. My dog always wants to be near me and this upsets my husband. If he sits near me or sleeps near me there is always a fight. I am a animal lover and that is the way I am. Please help me with this problem.
A: Lee, please see my response to you both in the next frame: - Bryce Kaye
Richard from New Bedford, Mass: *
Q: My wife sleeps with her dog, and I do not like this but it seems
she loves her dog more. I can't even set with her.
The dog is at her side all the time. I need some of my wife's time too. When
we are having sex the dog has to be there. I love my wife very much. Help me
out if you can. Thank you. Richard.
A: Lee & Richard, I gather than I am somewhat cast into the role of mediator in the canine wars. You both have work to do. Richard, you are not going to get Lee to divorce her dog. Lee, you are not going to have Richard accept your dog in all situations. Both of you need to sit down and methodically define the boundaries between your time for emotional connection as a couple versus times when you will only be affiliating side by side. They're not the same. When you have sex, both of you need to feel safe and focused on the other. If one partner is distracted by the dog, then there's a violation of privacy. If you're doing your own thing around each other (e.g. one reads, the other watches TV), then there's no call to intrude on the relationship between master and dog. Both of you have valid needs. I suggest you map out what to expect in terms of when you will be intimately focused (no dog) and when you will be present but not intimately focused (no grouching about the dog). It would be best to get it down in writing. One suggestion: you might agree to exclude the dog for a period of time when you're going to bed. You might then bring in the dog when you finally turn out the lights. - Bryce Kaye
Mandy from Orlando, Florida: *
Q: My husband and I just don't seem to get along anymore. We've been married about three years. We have a four year old and an eleven-month-old. The relationship was rocky when I got pregnant with the baby and I am the first to admit that I am a Horrible pregnant person. For the entire pregnancy we fought. Bad. Anyway, since I had the baby I have been on medication for depression, which I originally thought was post-partem depression. I am beginning to think, however, that I have been having depression issues for a long time. There are two parts to the problem. One, my husband has a lot of anger and resentment towards me about the way I treated him when I was depressed. I was not a very nice person. Two, now that I am on the meds he says that I am cold and impersonal. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so much better than I did in the past but he says he doesn't like me on the meds. It probably doesn't help that I have no sex drive while on the medication. I've stopped taking them several times, thinking that I can handle it, every time I end up depressed again. He sent me an email a few minutes ago that said that "he thinks he's going insane, he hates his job, and he hates his life." I'm really worried about him...and US. Thanks for listening.
A: Mandy, you can ask your doctor if your husband can come into some of your sessions. Help for your marriage needs to be integrated into your ongoing treatment for depression. I'm sorry but it's really ethically beyond the scope of what I should try to influence from my distant and limited perspective. Good luck - Bryce Kaye
Chuck from Hollywood, Ca.: *
Q: My wife and I have been married only about 6 months... She's Japanese, I'm American. When we first got married I met a friend from school at work one evening who I had not seen for some time. She took a digital photo of me, her and her friend inside my store. I didn't tell my wife about it because it wasn't a big deal. Later, they (my friends ) wrote back mail with pictures. My wife was furiously angry and insists now she can't trust me. I also have developed a staring problem when I see other Asian girls. I would never cheat on my wife but I don't know how I can convince her of that. What can I do to get her trust and stop the staring problem?
A: Chuck. I would suggest that you ask your wife if she has noticed any little lies that you have told and that you may have dismissed. Perhaps you have distorted or hid certain things, "only to avoid getting her upset." In other words, take a hard look at whether you're totally consistent or have instead given her little reasons to doubt you. It sounds as if the trust level is very low and you may not be aware of your own rationalizations and distortions on the little stuff. Not knowing you, I can't say for sure that this is the case. However, most of the time this type of mistrust arises is when there's been some avoiding of truth and it's been minimized. About the staring problem: How about staring more intently at your wife the moment you notice an Asian female in your presence? - Bryce Kaye
Colleen from Marin County, California: *
Q: I am married 1 1/2 yrs. after a 5 yr. courtship. I am 35 yrs old. I have a 10 yr. old son from previous relationship and just had a baby. Our relationship has been rocky off and on, based mainly on past lies, and his obsession with work and money. Mainly these lies have been for small petty reasons, such as saying he did something I asked when he hadn't actually done it yet, and so forth. But because of these problems I have distanced myself. After trying to talk to him about my unhappiness, he responded by promising to change- then goes back to his old behavior. This pattern has been going on for years! I am very frustrated. We don't have any intimacy anymore. I feel as if I still love him but am not the least bit interested in a sexual relationship with him. We are very comfortable financially and that seems to make him happy but its not enough for me. I am to the point that I am very angry all the time and I am constantly degrading my husband and we never have a day go by that I don't lash out at him constantly, usually for stupid petty things. I am making myself even more miserable, but I cant seem to stop myself now that I've been acting this way for so long. I've tried marriage counseling books, but my husband says he'll make the commitment to work through it with me but he loses interest in it after the first chapter! Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance...
A: Colleen, you're emotions are entirely consistent with the situation you describe. Unfortunately, many men can't seem to understand the big deal. When "little lies" are told, there's a profound sense of disrespect generated in the other party. Trust won't be repaired by mere short-term pledges of change or other methods of placation. This is a problem at the very foundation of your relationship. Any spouse who engages in lying is actually suffering some disconnection within themselves. Therapy may be what's eventually needed. Reading self-help books on marriage will usually not help the kind of problem where someone runs away from their own truth. If your husband lies to you, he's afraid. If he can't face that fear, he's ashamed of his own experience of vulnerability. Making lots of money and being successful in the world is an effective defense (technically called "counteraction") to dispel self-doubt. Self-help publications won't touch it. It sounds like the two of you would best be served by starting with joint therapy sessions. - Bryce Kaye
Diane from Chicago, IL.: *
Q: I've been married for 22 years. I hate my husband. He comes home from work screaming at me and calling me names. I work fulltime and cook an elaborate dinner every night. He tells me I do nothing for the family. I want to leave but we have 3 boys. One in college and 2 in high school. I don't want them to have a difficult time in school. I think I could make it till my youngest attends college. I dread being alone with my husband. I dream about being without him. I keep telling myself I am a good person but he tries to make me feel terrible. I love my children but he gets them against me. My middle son says I shouldn't talk back and then he wouldn't' yell but I say I am an adult and don't have to be told what to do. Please help me.
A: Diane. Your relationship is obviously in very bad shape. The way you frame the situation, you don't even specify that you want anything from your husband except out. You tell your story like you're trapped and you can't wait until you get out. If that's the way it really is, then be sure to get your support from a women's support group. However, you might want to invite your husband to see if he would be willing to go get some professional help. Even if the two of you only want an "arrangement" to last only until the kids are gone, it sounds like you both might aspire for a more respectful arrangement than the one you have. It's time for both of you to decide if you're willing to bring in a professional to restore some peace. - Bryce Kaye
Berm from Newton, GA: *
Q: We have been married for two years. When we first got married my husband would talk to me, now he doesn't say anything but probably two words a day to me. He isn't a heavy talker, but he tells everyone else about the things that are going on in his life but not me. I think it could have something to do with the money. I had told him we need to get on a budget, because we owe too much on charge cards, since then he will not let me sit down with him & pay the bills. He does not believe in a budget. Our sex life has gone from good to bad. If you do not talk about things how can your married life be better? I feel like I have to talk to everyone else, because I have no one to talk to.
A: Berm, I would recommend for you to drop the money and budget issue right now. Instead, invite your husband to spend some fun time with you. Don't ask him in general terms. Ask him if he's willing to do specific things with you on a specific nights and times. Some men are threatened very easily, especially with talk about feelings. Your husband may be one of those by the sound of it. I would suggest focusing on sharing activity for a few months in order to bring down the tension. After he feels more secure with you again, then you can ask him if he'd be willing to choose a professional planner that he could trust to help with "planning" not "budgeting". - Bryce Kaye
Kathy from Benicia, Ca.: *
Q: My mate of 4 years is leaving the home because he can't stand to be around my kids. I don't know what to do. He says they don't listen to him. They don't always listen to me either. They are 12 and almost 14. I think the not picking up after themselves and the arguing amongst themselves is common with most pre teens. Opposite sex or not. My mate just has no more tolerance for the messes and not listening. He has two kids of his own a son 20 and a daughter 24. I think he forgot or he just wasn't around enough when his kids were being raised. They aren't that bad. I've stood by him to support his thoughts and feelings. I agree with his philosophy etc. but he wants to move out because I insist that he not lock himself in our bedroom while the rest of the family fixes dinner, eats, and touches base with one another in the evening. What can I do? I've tried it all twice. Help Please.
A: Kathy, if your mate is unwilling to do some family counseling with the kids, then you need to be more accepting of his right to retreat. It would be nice if all of you could get along. However, he's not their parent and many blended families do not work with a lot of cohesion. I would recommend ridding yourself of your insistence that he join with the rest of the family. However, I would also suggest that you gently explore if your mate has feelings of jealousy. Sometimes there can even be a sense of competition for your priority. If your mate perceives that he is relatively unimportant to you when the children are around, then he would naturally withdraw in sullen resentment. Try to see if this is going on. Being a man, he might not even be aware of it. If he is jealous, you both need to work on firming up and enhancing what's private in your relationship separate from the children. - Bryce Kaye
Shelly from Mesa, Arizona *
Q: My husband and I have had some serious problems concerning his anger management and my alcohol problems, even though I am in recovery. I am wondering about abuse of pets in the past and in the present. We are seeing a marriage counselor but I don't think the seriousness of this has been seen. He has been violent with me in the past and can be verbally and emotionally abusive but has to try very hard not to. What can I do to show how serious I think this is?
A: Explain your feelings to your marriage counselor. It's not very clear to me what you're asking. Your counselor needs to help you clarify it for your husband and for yourself. If you already feel let-down by your marriage counselor, then confront him/her about that. Either they or you'll learn something new. I don't have enough information to see where the distortions are. - Bryce Kaye
Michael from Pittsburgh, PA: *
Q: MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 18 M0NTHS. PRIOR TO MARRIAGE OUR SEX LIFE WAS BETTER THAN GREAT. IT HAS DWINDLED IN FREQUENCY AND PASSION SINCE OUR WEDDING. BOTH OF US ARE INTERESTED IN FINDING SOME KIND OF WORKSHOP TO FACILITATE IN RESTORING THE PASSION AND OPENNESS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. WE BOTH ARE DEEPLY IN LOVE AND COMMITTED AND AREN'T QUITE SURE WHEN OR HOW SEX GOT TO BE SO COMPLICATED. PLEASE HELP!!!!
A: Michael. Go to www.pairs.com. They're probably the best workshop around for couples . At that website, find out where there's a workshop program near you. It's expensive but worth it. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Walter from Shreveport, Louisiana: *
Q: My wife and I are separated right now due to her attitude, her taking her anger out on me and blaming me for things that I never even heard of, and the fact that her and my mother don't get along at all and I'm stuck in the middle. My mother tries to run my life and I'm trying to live my own life. Now I've got a two way conflict here. My mother says I'm not using head and my wife is angry at me for the way my mother is. My wife is currently getting some help. How can I patch up my marriage and get my mother to back off?
A: Walter. Triangles are always messy! One suggestion I have is to prioritize focusing on your marriage over your mother. You may need to sit down with your wife and discuss what aspects of your relationship you will no longer reveal to your mother. Accept the fact that your mother's approval is dispensable. She may not be capable of respecting you until long after you've enforced firm boundaries with her. If you can't accept her disapproval, then get some therapy. You sound as if you are allowing too much intrusion of your mother into your private life. You're grown up now. You have the right to establish privacy around your marital relationship. Your mother is now a guest when invited into that relationship. If you keep clean boundaries around your marriage, then you will be less "caught in the middle" and more able to confront your wife when she gets hysterical about your mother. - Bryce Kaye
Jim from Skowhegan, Maine: *
Q: My wife and i have problems communicating without fighting. Money is one problem. She is very good at organizing things for someone else but not in her home life .There are several other issues also, but I'll just do this one for now. I've talked to her about this issue, (the money) but she just says that i am picking on her like everybody else did when she was a kid. The bills are not being paid properly. She gets mad when i get upset about this. She really gets mad when i attempt to take over the bills. This is very childish, WHAT CAN I DO?
A: Jim, try to avoid "taking over" the bills. Go to the Diagnostic section of the Marital First Aid Kit and click on the Sneaky Spending Syndrome. Print out the explanation and suggested intervention for you both to read. Then invite your wife to cooperate with you as an equal while both of you establish a spending plan (budget). Negotiate a schedule that has both of you reviewing your actual spending compared with your budget. It' s a good idea to use different pots of money (accounts) for different kinds of expenses. If both of you can't get on a level playing field, then somebody's going to be infantalized and anger will build. If your wife refuses to cooperate with you in establishing a budgeted plan and assuming fiscal responsibility, then get third party help that may be successful in confronting her. Avoid a permanent system that has one of you being the "helper" - it's bound to backfire. - Bryce Kaye
Christine from Los Angeles, Ca.: *
Q: I have been married for 6 years, and involved with my husband for almost 9. We have a 7 Year old son and another very close to being born. I love my husband very much and would never want a divorce. Lately I have found him to be distant. About a year ago he had come in contact with a women who broke up with him to be with one of his friends, They ended up being married. We began to go out occasionally with the couple and when they bought a house we moved into the complex they had lived in. The ex spent a lot of time visiting friends in our complex. Then she left her husband a few times. She had stayed with other friends off and on then asked my husband if she could move in with us. I told my husband I was very uncomfortable with this and she did not move in. About 3 wks later my husband called me at work to ask if she could move in. She had left her husband again. I wanted to talk about it when I got home by then she had already thanked me for letting her move in. I felt stuck. She lived with us for about 2 months till I got pregnant. She still would call and e-mail my husband regularly. Then every Friday my husband would go out and she would be there. Needless to say I'm not very happy with this. I don't say very much. I have tried to be a "cool" wife and not let it bother me. It is very hard for me to stay home with my son, pregnant, while my husband is out on the town w/his ex. Sometimes he doesn't come home till 2:00. He says he is there to see others & she just happens to be there too, but every Friday. This girl also wants to be chummy with me. She wants me to call her when I go to the hospital. My husband says she really likes me and wants to be my friend. I say I know exactly what she is up to. Also He spends a lot of time online. Sometimes he does not come to bed until 3:00. Yesterday I found 3 e-mail addresses under the mouse pad. All belonging to girls. I can not check his e-mail without a password nor would I want to invade his privacy. I'm afraid to ask him anything because I don't know if I want to find out the truth. I know my looks have paled in the last few months and I don't look like I did when I met him but that was when I was 19. I hate confrontations but don't want this to turn into a problem where he thinks he can walk all over me. I know he needs timeout and I would love to go out and party every now and then but I have priorities with my family. This ex leaves her kids with her husband. She gets to be fun and thin and I get to be tied down and fat. I feel bad because my husband has sacrificed a lot of his 20's being tied down with me, but so have I. Please help.
A: Dear Christine, I'm afraid you sound terribly underpowered in your relationship. You would do well to join a women's consciousness raising support group if you can find one in your area. If not, try finding a CODA group (for "Codependents Anonymous"). I know you like to avoid conflict but you needed to have asserted yourself with firm boundaries long ago. It doesn't really sound as if you're emotionally ready to currently risk much confrontation so you're time would be better spent getting the emotional support you will need when you finally do so. Good Luck - Bryce Kaye
Kathy from Cary:
Q: I called my managed care company looking for a therapist who specialized in treating eating disorders. James Clark's name was given, yet in his profile I don't see that eating disorders were mentioned. Do any therapists in your practice work frequently with anorexia / bulimia? Thank you.
A: Kathy, it depends what you mean by "frequently." No one in our practice is a specialist on eating disorders. You can check Jim Clark, James Brumby, or Kay Farkas as all having worked with eating disorders from time to time. You may want to call them and briefly ask about their experience. Call 467 1180 and ask for whichever you you wish. They'll call you back. - Bryce Kaye
Trina from Coeur d'Alene: *
Q: I just found out the my husband has been lying to me for the past 2 years, and I don't know how to get over it. We have been trying to get pregnant ( or so I thought) and every single month would be so hard for me because I would find out that I wasn't again. It has been 2 years and my husband just told me that he has been preventing it because he was afraid. He says that he is now ready to have a family, but that doesn't help me get over the fact that he lied to me about it and for so long. He would watch me cry and in pain for not getting pregnant, and all this time he was the cause of it. I have been avoiding pregnant friends of mine, baby showers, and many other things because of the pain it would cause me, and he was always right there with me telling me that it was going to happen and that our time would come. But he was the one preventing it. I went to the doctors and went on medication and took a few very expensive tests and they never found anything wrong, and all of this could have been prevented along with all the money we spent. I am trying to understand why he had to lie to me and how he could watch me in pain and pretend he was hurting too, but I get so mad at him. What can I do to forgive him for what he did? How do I get over this hurt and anger of finding this out? Ever since he told me, he hasn't been able to get an erection long enough for us to make love and we don't know if it is because of the guilt that he feels or if it is a medical problem, but now it is putting even more stress on our relationship. What can we do to keep this marriage together and work through this? Does he need to see a doctor, or is it just something he needs to get over? We fight all the time now. Please let me know what we can do to make this marriage last.
A: You both probably need to go see a sex therapist right away. You describe a situation where your husband has complex fears that he may not even understand. You will likely not be able to repair the trust until you have a better understanding of your husband's fear and how he can handle that fear differently. The problem will require a good professional to sort it out. It will also require your husband's courage to get beyond his shame to get professional help. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Crystal from Spokane, Washington: *
Q: Dear Doctor, I have been married for almost two years now, and I feel as if my marriage was doomed from the beginning. My husband cheated on me in the start, but I have forgiven him and that is now in the past. The new problem is me, I am pregnant with our third child and I feel so very unattractive. My husband says that I look great, but he spends hours on the computer looking at naked young women. And it makes me feel that he won't want to look at me after seeing the young, beautiful, skinny, women. I have talked to him and he says I still come to bed with you, but doctor, that is all he does is come to bed. There is no sexual intimacy anymore. not even the holding and cuddling that we use to do. Is this all in my head as he suggests? Or do I have a valid point and should I be worried?
A: Crystal, I don't think you should be "worried" - how about concerned. No, it probably is not just inside your head. As you describe it, you're missing out on cuddling and sex. Neither do I think you need to make your husband's pornography fetish the issue. You have a more important issue to address: the quality of your relationship. I would recommend that you try to talk to him about that first before confronting him about the pornography. Even though I do not personally encourage people to spend hours focusing on pornography, pornography in itself will not distract a person from sexual interest in their partner. There are many men who enjoy pornography - and their sexual partner as well.
Try to invite your husband to talk with you about how he really feels about your pregnant body. You need to be prepared for a painful answer that might indicate his own emotional shortcomings. Remember, if he is so concrete that he can't appreciate the beauty a woman carrying his child, it's his shortcoming not yours. At least if you can get him to talk about his feelings, and if he finds you more accepting of them, then he might be less defensive and be willing to explore some alternatives with you. If you attack him or he feels you might attack him, then his sexual interest will wane all the more. - Bryce Kaye
Susan from Mount, MN: *
Q: I have been married 10 years. Over the years I have found much personal growth, and have realized that I married my husband for the wrong reasons. We couldn't be more different, although I respect so many things about him. He has proven to be a wonderful husband and a great father, and compared to some men I know, I shouldn't complain. I love many things about my husband but do not feel that I am in love with him. We see life differently. I am frustrated with his immaturity, low self esteem, and little ability to be honest with himself. These personal traits have always been a problem for me and I have no sensual attraction to him because of it. The hard part is that his good traits are also very important to me. My husband truly adores me, and is being hurt by my lack of adoration to him. I have no sexual attraction to him at all and he is having a hard time with that. He tries to live with it but it has caused quite a few fights. We have been to therapy, which in my opinion did not do much for him, because of his lack of understanding of deep emotional issues. I on the other hand am afraid of breaking up our family (we have a 5 yr. old daughter) and have told myself that I could live with what I have. I'm not sure how good this may be for anyone. Can you help?
A: Susan, I'm sorry it has taken so long for my reply but North Carolina has been frozen under snow for about the past week. Ordinary life came to a frozen halt. As to your question, I'm afraid there's only limited help here because it sounds like you do not respect an important part of your husband's character. You paint a picture of him as being dependent and unwilling to address his fears and irresponsibility. With this picture there is usually a large amount of dependence that develops and is placed on the more mature (organizing) partner. As one partner continues to be child-like (even though they remain affectionate), the more organized partner starts feeling too maternal. Usually, people in this predicament feel like they have an extra child to look after. Sexual feelings usually are lost toward the dependent partner because there is insufficient separateness of identity. What healthy adult wants to feel sexual towards a dependent child? This is an extremely difficult pattern to change because it is largely the result of the personality structure (technically the super-ego) of the dependent person.
My advice would be: 1) Avoid having an affair. Your marital relationship, as you describe it, can lead to strong feelings of attraction outside of the relationship. 2) Give up the mandate that you have to feel "in love". Instead, aspire to establish a relationship of "respectful loving." Since the latter is not possible while your husband is running away from seeing himself, consider seeking a joint counselor who is also well versed in personality theory and possibly EMDR therapy as well. There are vast differences among counselor/therapists. A very good one might be able to make the difference to jump start your husband's growth. Even if you get a good one, realize that the time scale for personality change is several years at least. Finally, if all else fails, realize that you have an existential decision about whether or not to stay in the marriage. Good Luck - Bryce Kaye
Stephanie from Bloomington, Illinois *
Q: I have been married for a year and a half now. The romance in our marriage is practically dead and I am starving for affection from my husband. It is hard for me to tell him how I feel because he is great in so many other ways. I hate to complain. I am really not sure if I am just extra needy or if he really should be more passionate towards me. My Question is how do I determine who has the problem (him or me), and how do I go about solving it?
A: Dear Stephanie, the problem is not how you frame it. You would best stay clear of evaluating his passion. Passion is delicate and strong romantic passion usually dies off in the first several years of a relationship anyway. It is more important that both of you stimulate the relationship by continuing to explore each other and yourselves. That way, the ground is fertile for different types of passions to grow - passions like sentiment and respect and , yes, even lusty sensuality. If your marriage is practically dead, it's because you probably stopped exploring each other and yourselves. It may be that one or both of you are limited in emotional insight and don't know how to explore. I strongly recommend for you to see if you have a PAIRS course in your area. You can check them out on the web at www.pairs.com . Meanwhile, go to the emotional starvation syndrome on the Marital Fist Aid Kit. You would do well to set up routine times to get together and use some of the exercises from the Kit and from Harville Hendrix's book. But I strongly suggest that you back away from expecting passion and focus more on exploring. - Bryce Kaye
Maria from Weston, Florida: *
Q: My husband wants to leave me because he feels we have grown apart and that we fight a lot. We both love each other and I can't accept his decision. Please help me find a solution to save our 19 year marriage.
A: Maria, you can only invite him to get professional help with you. You will have to accept whatever his decision is going to be about that. If he is saying that he wants to leave, then you can't afford mistakes at this point. See if he'll go with you to see a marriage counselor. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Lee Anne from Anchorage, Alaska *
Q: I am 40, have an 8 month old son, and have been in a marital relationship with a wonderful, caring, loving, attentive man (father of my child) for the last 3 years. We have had many hurdles to overcome, and are currently engaged. We are good partners, good parents, responsible and peace loving. We rarely fight, and our disagreements are peaceable. He is a healthy recovering alcoholic (5 yrs sober). Here are the issues: 1. He loves all women, and loves to be their hero. He calls other women "his girl, honey, love" etc. 2. He feels that he has the right to take single women out to fancy dinners, movies, biking, etc that he has previously had a relationship (some sexual some not) with. Because he is faithful, and he does as much for me, he says I should not have any issues with this. (presently, he is taking his ex 20 yr old secretary to an expensive dinner in Seattle for her 20th birthday while on a business trip, alone) He says it is inappropriate to do these things with married women. 3. He professes that he has trouble getting his ex wife out from "under his skin". Says he loves me, but misses her. Had lunch with her the other day alone. We had discussed it and agreed it might help him to overcome some issues. He told her that she was welcome to call and be with him at any time. 4. He has lied to me in the past about his contacts with his ex wife and other women who have disrespected me. He says that this is in order to preserve peace and avoid confrontation. 5. I have issues with trust in general and in specific with him. I have been checking his email, and believe that he has another mail service or hides things from me, even though he denies it. 6. If I am home, he doesn't spend time online, but whenever I am gone, or leave the house, its one of the first things he does. I do not wish to end this relationship, as no one has ever been so kind and loving to me. Yet, I find myself in torment over these issues, and find myself shutting down and not believing a word he says. I keep telling myself that all his kindnesses have little to do with me being special, but it is just because he is kind. I recognize that if I cannot put an end to these issues, I will shut him out for good. I have tried to make compromises in my heart to allow him these privileges, yet I feel so violated. Even if he is sexually faithful, I can't help feeling as if he is allowing someone else from time to time to "take my place" Please help.
A: Lee Anne, you paint a picture of a man who has poor boundaries and is exercising poor boundaries around your relationship. He may or may not be having affairs. Even if not, you describe lying and deceptive behavior. This does not necessarily mean that a person has to be malicious. But it does mean that they may have difficulty with their own separateness and may be compulsively dependent on others. The thing that bothers me the most is your description of his lying.
I would suggest that both of you seek professional help. It might be a good idea to try to find a recovering counselor who has had a substance abuse background of his own. A counselor with a strong 12 step background would be someone that your husband can hear and respect, especially when it comes to 4th step issues of character.
- Bryce Kaye
Sabrina from Winfield, Mo.: *
Q: I have been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years. Occasionally Toni goes to get together with a few people that she works with. Last weekend she did not come home until 4:30 in the morning. The next week she told me that she had been to someone's house and they had kissed. She said she was drunk (which is not an excuse), but said that she thought she was just curious. We have cried over this situation and Toni tells me that she loves me and wants to stay in this relationship. How do I get past this, and how can I ever trust again. And How do I get the visions out of my head. - Red eyes
A: Dear Sabrina, the prognosis is good. You need to respect that your partner has tried to be honest with you. Alcohol can be a dis-inhibiter and it is not uncommon for partners to have some sexual attraction toward others. I suggest that you and she discuss what plan she has to make sure that she doesn't put herself in a similar situation again while intoxicated. Trust is restored by consistency over time. Give her the chance. - Bryce Kaye
Mark from Minnesota: *
Q: I am 14 yrs old and I have just found out that my mom has been having an affair with a guy. I couldn't understand why she would do this. Then I found out that my parents have been having marital problems for about two years. My dad is the kinda shy, stubborn type, who thinks he can work out problems without help. So he hasn't really tried very much until about 6 months ago when he found out his mother has Liver cancer and doesn't have very long to live. He has been telling me and my older sister to do everything we can to help my mother and not to quarrel like we always use to do. My mom told me and her after we found out about this affair with this guy (who also is the cross country ski coach at our school) that she has tried to fix things but nothing has worked so she has just "given up" on trying to repair their relationship. They have talked about going to get counseling but neither of them act on it. I am really worried that they won't try to get help before it's too late. That's why I decided that I have to go and do something. What do you think about this "Marital problem? Thanx Mark
A: Mark, I thinks it's sad - AND - I think it's their responsibility, not yours. However, I understand your fear. You love them both and don't want to see them fall out for good. It sounds like they've considered marriage counseling so there's nothing you can do for them. They're adults and make their own choices. As for you, Mark. Try to see if your school offers any kind of counseling. Not that a school counselor will fix your situation but he/she can help you from internalizing guilt or shame while your parents stay stuck. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Lawrence from Seattle, Washington: *
Q: My wife and I have ceased to communicate as we once did. The openness we once had between us has disappeared into who knows where. I long for the closeness we used to share.
There are a few factors that come into play:
1)I have recently left my full time job to pursue a home business, which is not getting off to a great start. This has put a bit of a financial strain on us, but it only means giving up a few luxuries which aren't necessities.
2)There is a 13 year age difference between us. I'm 42 and she's 29. There are times when I offer advice from the perspective of experience and she feels I am offering advice without respect to her feelings.
3)When questioned about certain things she becomes defensive and short, saying I am making accusations that are unfounded.
What I am seeking is a way to communicate my needs and expectations to her while respecting hers in return. Can you help? Lawrence
A: Lawrence, from what you have said it may be that your move into your home business has made matters worse. You may be taking your business (authoritative/decisive) emotional state into your home. You are not alone as the boundaries between work and home become more blurred in the cyber age. I would recommend for you to consider trying to communicate with your wife when you and she are outside the home. Either that or when both of you are sitting in a hot tub or some other situation that equalizes role differences. She may already have come to subliminally associate home as your new office where you think you're the boss. It's hard being 29 and feeling that you're a footnote to someone else's "more important" agenda. You may be doing nothing wrong here except perhaps not being aware that your agenda and will may be inadvertently overshadowing hers. Seek out other places for communication. - Bryce Kaye
Ken from Pembroke, Canada: *
Q: My wife told me she is bored with me and her life. Truth be told, I'm rather bored with her. She does little to contribute to the marriage, yet I feel she's just in a "depressed state." Money, job, life in general just seem to plod by for her. I've taken up other interests that keep me busy (in the house) while she watches the television night after night. I would like for us to do something together, but most of my ideas are rejected or met with zero enthusiasm. We have been married just over two years. She lashes out at me and is highly critical of just about every move I make. Avoiding confrontation, I stay out of her way. I learned I can't win an argument or make the right decision about anything. She's suggested I move out to give us some time apart, I agreed, now she's recanted the idea but with no thought as to how to improve the current situation. Any suggestions on how I / we can get this back on track?
A: Ken, I'm sorry but this situation does not sound good. Your wife sounds as if she's not very invested in building the relationship. It would be best that the two of you get some good marital counseling to shake out the truth about what is happening with her - and to help the two of you to get on with your lives. All you can do is to "invite" her to get help with you. If she refuses, and if she keeps on withdrawing from your other invitations to engage, then you might best consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life in a sterile relationship. If both of you agree to work to intensify the relationship, there are plenty of ways to do it with good help. You may want to check out the Pairs Program to see if there's one in your area: www.pairs.com .
-Bryce Kaye
Carol from Hattiesburg, Miss. *
Q: After 5 years of marriage, I am no longer physically attracted to my husband. Once this happens is there any way to regain the attraction? I find that I don't want a physical relationship at all with him. I love him and enjoy our friendship but we have been separated for 10 months now and I am still not even tempted to be physical with him. Our divorce will be final in a matter of days, but if there were any hope to regain my physical desire to be with him, I would put a stop to the divorce. Any advice?
A: Carol, I have questions about why you would completely lose physical attraction. It is natural that some loss of attraction occurs as novelty wears off and the person becomes all too familiar. However, a vibrant relationship would generate it's own novelty and excitement even after many years. My guess is that both of you do not know how to be very creative within the relationship to keep it emotionally alive. Loving him as a friend is not the same thing as finding him exciting as a separate, intelligent, vibrant being. Most long-term sexual interest is kept alive not by togetherness, but by separateness - the separateness of identity and will. If the two of you had lost that sense of exciting separateness from each other, then loss of sexual attraction naturally follows. It's not so much a physical phenomenon as a psychological one. A good marital therapist could help.
- Bryce Kaye
Allison from Reading, Pennsylvania *
Q: I've read through your site and I know where the problems lie; even with myself, I know where I can be in the wrong. However, what is never explained is how to "convince" (though I know that may not be the right word) the other party that there is a problem on their side. I'm constantly being told that I should just "shut up about it" and "move on" and "quit dwelling" and just deal with the pain that has been inflicted (emotionally, a few times physically). In all aspects of my spouse's life, I've noticed dysfunction that I can't do a thing about and is destroying the relationship. Guess all I want to know is, what are the magic words?
A: Dear Allison, when you find those magic words, would you please tell me? I've been looking for them for years. Unfortunately, the only one that I've ever found doesn't really have the power to control the other person. It only influences. It doesn't control. The word is "invite". If the other person declines your invitation to communicate, to negotiate, or explore examining the relationship in marital therapy, or to plan interventions, then you can't do any more. You might try reading a book called "Getting to Yes" by Fisher and Uri. The book is excellent for principles to help negotiation and reduce reactivity. However, you can only do so much and some people will still act out their old pain at your expense. You may also want to explore either CODA (Codependents Anonymous) or Al-Anon if serious pathology is going on. These organizations can help you reduce the amount of emotional shame you build up by being around toxic anger. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Julie from Florida: *
Q: A month ago, I found e-mails that were quite suggestive addressed to my husband and one that he responded to that was, in his typical fashion, my husband is a flirt! When I approached him about these e-mails, I was first told they were business, when he could not point out the business part, he blew the question off. I continued to ask and was told they were "part-business", then "playful" and they "just bull". He denied knowing what some of the things discussed in them meant only for me to find out that it meant that they had gone out drinking together..."business mostly" his excuse was he did not want this to cause trouble in our marriage as this woman name had already been associated with his brother, 17 years his junior. I am told that this is not open for discussion and further, that he loves me, wants our marriage and had no "emotional or physical" attachment to this woman. Question 1 is, could my husband be competing with his younger brother to see if he could attract this woman's attention from him (my husband is 55 this year) and they are an extremely competative family.? #2 is there a reason that some men "need" to flirt and be "flirted" with even in what is considered a "solid" marriage? And finally, how does someone overcome the hurt and the mistrust of being lied to for more than 6 months. I failed to mention that my husband and his brother met this woman in our clubs workout room and that they are both very obsessed with their outward appearance, as is she. Too, this woman lost her own marriage fooling around on her husband and has been known to flirt heavily with "married" men. I have attempted to send this before and, obviously you did not receive it. Please help, I am at a loss as to what to think and how to proceed or even whether to try... 14 years of flirting is a long time! Thanking you in advance... Julie
A: Dear Julie, you really have a bunch of questions here. So let me get to work. First, I have no idea and I should not pretend to know whether competition or some other factor is motivating your husband. The more important question is whether or not you will believe your own eyes and ears. The issue is not whether or not your husband loves you. The real issue is whether or not your husband loves truth and consistency. If you know for a fact that your husband has lied to you for his convenience even a few times, then he is probably lying and concealing other behaviors.
Your question about whether some men "need" to flirt involves a complex issue. Most men need to be seen as sexual beings but that doesn't mean that they have to "flirt". If "flirting " means sexually provocative talk, then the answer is "no." That would not be in keeping with maintaining healthy protective boundaries around the marriage. If "flirting" means enjoying playful conversation and attention without sexual references, then you would have to consider that to be within the bounds of marital fidelity. It sounds as if you are reading e-mails that indicate that there's sexual material being communicated. Not good. The fact that he's blowing you off so much indicates that there's a real lack of respect for your boundaries. It also sounds as if you may be underpowered in that relationship. Consider involving yourself in a woman's support group because you may do better with some support from the outside. - Bryce Kaye
Ken from Bourne, Ma. *
Q: My wife and I have been married for 13 years and are now going through some very difficult times. She has recently told me that we are all through and that there is no hope, that she is too far gone. She is a sales person with many male clients and she has become too close, in my opinion with one of them. I have stated my objections and she just says "get over it" and is unwilling to make any changes to help the situation. She also told me that she is no longer "in-love" with me. Although she says that she loves me, adores me and thinks I am a great guy and father. She has also said that if we were to split that she could fall in love with that one client. It is very disheartening to hear her say these things and to act so distant from me. We have problems no question, but I also think that these problems can be overcome with a lot of work. We have 3 beautiful children and I don't want to split up this family. She seems very focused on the "I'm not in-love with you" aspect of the whole situation and I just don't know what to do. I am hopelessly and passionately in love with my wife and don't want to lose her. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Ken, I'm afraid your situation is a sad one that is all too common. All you can really do is invite your wife to seek professional help along with you to rebuild the feelings in your marriage. As you describe it, she may already have developed "in love" feelings for the third party. If she is covertly building a relationship with the other person, you will not be able to repair the foundations and boundaries in your marriage. You can't control that and shouldn't try to. She is an adult who gets to make her own choices - even if they are misguided. However, you can set some limits in your own mind. You need to ask yourself how long you will stick around for her if she does not emotional reinvest in your relationship. Without threatening her with it, make up your own mind as to how long you will wait to see if she changes her mind about reinvestment. When that time has elapsed and she still has not chosen to get help with you, then you need to really consider separation. You might also seek a consult with an attorney along the way, partially to help you adjust to focusing on your own welfare.
Meanwhile, invite your wife to go with you to meet with a professional counselor. Not being "in love" is a rather superficial reason for giving up a long-term relationship. The reason is that most good long-term relationships go through different phases of love, resentment, and other feelings like a train goes through tunnels. Also, most good relationships will eventually fall out of love anyway while they hopefully transition into a different form of "sentimental" loving based upon mutual respect, intimacy, and common history. The fact that this has not happened for you both may be that one or both of you haven't known how to manage your personal boundaries to keep the relationship growing. Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Pam from Syracuse, NY *
Q: 5 kids, finances, and high expectations on my part because i love to hug kiss and cuddle as well as tell each other how much we mean to each other. He just expects me to know and be happy with it. He is a wonderful husband and father. But I lack the emotional fulfillment and lots of times we have no sexual relationship. I feel a wall building and can't stand it. We talk all the time, but I need more to keep me going. I know he's tired, so am I. EFFORT counts! Can't afford a vacation and no one wants to baby sit. What now? He says everything is fine. Am I just whining here?
A: Pam. You may be whining but I don't doubt that there's pain underneath the whining. However, be careful. Pain does not give you a moral mandate to demand that he feel differently and want what you want when you want it. You can only invite him. It may also be true that you may have some emotional schemas that may be hurting you (such as abandonment) that may not be his responsibility. It may or may not be old stuff. You could get a copy of Jeffrey Young's book "Reinventing Your Life" to help evaluate the nature and source of your pain. Meanwhile, read the Marital First Aid Kit's discussion about unequal sexual interest. You can print out that section and discuss it with your husband to see what he's willing to try. There would be some relief for him in not feeling the anxiety that he has to perform for you. You may also need to plan for intimate conversation for specific times after the kids are all in bed. For example, taking a bubble bath together has a way of stripping away a lot of the airs of our adult responsibility roles. Try it. - Bryce Kaye
Liz from Orlando, Florida *
Q: My husband recently informed me that he is not in love with me. I am having a hard time dealing with this, as I am in love with him. I think he should leave because I cannot understand why he would want to stay with someone he is not in love with and I do not want him here if he is not in love with me. It is making it harder for me to deal with everything, even day to day things, with him around. I am very confused. My whole belief system has been based on the fact that you stay married if you are in love with that person and you leave if you are not in love any longer. I do not think falling in love is something you can "get back". What should I do?
A: Dear Liz: I highly recommend that you start revising your belief system. Most couples go through "tunnels" in their relationships where love becomes an inaccessible feeling for a period of time. Your husband may or may not be aware of other feelings that are blocking his love. Psychological boundary problems, shame, depression, identity crisis, anxiety, and other ambivalences can eclipse love in a relationship. It would be very premature to conclude that the relationship should be over. However, it is time to get to work to uncover what emotions have been going on at a deeper level. Getting professional help would probably be a good idea.
Liz, you would do well to back off from demanding love as a condition for staying in the relationship for the immediate future. Responsibility at this stage is more important than passion. Will your husband work honestly and diligently to explore what may be getting in the way of his loving ? Try to avoid the paradox that by putting up a demand for immediate love, you might squelch any chance of it. Imagine demanding immediate sexual passion from someone. The performance anxiety thus created often leads to impotence (male or female). In time, you will see how honestly your husband works with you. If he does work hard to understand his feelings and work them out, chances are good that he can grow sentimental love for you. Sentimental loving is what most long-term couples have after they've converted from the "in-love" phenomenon that usually only lasts for several years. If you don't believe me, pick up Maggie Scarf's book Intimate Partners. Most good marriage counselors know that "in-love" needs to be converted to a different kind of loving in order to last the decades. If your husband will not work to explore his feelings and to find out how to improve the relationship, then that would be a good time to consider leaving.
- Bryce Kaye
Barbara from Las Vegas, Nevada *
Q: What can be done to improve communication in a relationship and stop power struggles?
A: Dear Barbara, You've asked the most simple yet at the same time most difficult question for me to try to handle in this format. Volumes upon volumes have been and will continue to be written, etc. Let me try to give you a simple but powerful answer: First things first. Before you assume that you have to diagnose a complex condition, make sure that the critter is being fed! (I mean the relationship). In the Marital First Aid Kit, look up the Emotional Starvation Syndrome. If it fits, try some of the suggested interventions and see what happens. Many couples can see a change in behavior within a month of diligent work. This is especially likely if good communication had existed during the early part of the relationship. Such would indicate that you and your partner both understand the language of emotion, have some insight into your feelings, and are not too shame-bound to tolerate emotional exposure. However, if there has never been good communication of feelings in your relationship, then a simple intervention will usually not work. This is because either you or your partner may be dealing with the symptoms of hidden shame within your own personalities. If this is the case, then a purely educational approach to improving communication skills will usually be unproductive. Your relationship would then likely need some form of therapy. An excellent program to do this can be found at www.pairs.com . The PAIRS program goes beyond teaching communication by actually helping couples to examine their own emotional make-up. Another avenue would be for both of you to see a good marriage counselor in your area. If you choose the latter, make sure they understand about shame and don't merely try to teach communication skills alone. - Bryce Kaye
Tabby from Fayetteville, Georgia *
Q: My husband's Dad died 9 months ago. He is having a problem dealing with his emotions. He tends to take them out on me. He is verbally abusive. (Never physical). I would love to work this out, but is it hopeless? If not, what are some things I can do to make this work?
A: Dear Tabby, It doesn't sound hopeless to me since it sounds like you're describing an acute reaction. It sounds as if your husband's raging did not significantly precede his grief. If so, you will probably find that your husband will return to his emotional baseline over time. Unfortunately, the grieving process can take a long time, especially if a man is highly ambivalent about the lost relationship and especially if he cannot talk about about the mixed up sadness, shame, and frustration that underlies the rage. Nine months is really not a terribly long time with such a situation. Ambivalent grief may take a couple of years. One thing you might consider doing is to wait until he is in a calm mood before you approach him about how he might be able to shorten his grieving period with some help. A certified EMDR therapist (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is specially trained to actually help reduce the emotional pain that fuels your husband's type of rage. You can get more information about this and certified EMDR therapists at www.emdria.org . Good luck. - Bryce Kaye
Amanda from Indiana *
Q: Why can't I make myself happy with my life?
A: Dear Amanda, I am sorry to hear that your life is not happy. I would have to be extremely arrogant to pretend that I know with certainty what stands in your way. There are many different ways to become unhappy. However, I can say that for most unhappy people who are not trapped in an abusive situation, a good suggestion is to focus more on deciding what you really want, not what you think you "should" do to prove your worth. Hope this helps. -Bryce Kaye
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